Hello everyone! I've been getting mixed signals from someone and could use some advice. Here's the short version: I'm a trans woman and I joined a local protest group. The first meeting I attended the organizer turned around, gave me the "My god you're beautiful and I want you look" and stuck out her hand. I feel generally unattractive and put any thought of that interpretation out of my mind. We talked about my being trans and how the new administration is making life difficult; she gave me a hug. I hadn't been hugged in a long time and it was nice to have human contact. Later she'd organized a protest and only four people showed up, including myself. After the protest we were at her car talking and she gave me a long, extended hug; so long I actually began to pull away expecting she'd feel it was going on uncomfortably long and she didn't pull away. That was a really nice human contact. The next protest she was giving me extended eye contact, but due to my overall shy nature I would always break it. Half way through she comes up to me, slaps me on the shoulder and tells me she wants to check out an alternative spot to protest, she asks me if I'd like to tag along and asks me if I need rides to the protests. I say "sure", she then offers to give me her number so we can coordinate. I agree. I live within walking distance to the current protest spot, so I found this offer interesting. She kind of stumbled over her words and looked a little nervous asking me these questions. She came to pick me up for our last protest and I missed her by a couple of minutes. She messaged me, but it was too late, so I decided to show up to the protest spot anyway. When she saw me her face lit up, she waved too me and met me at the opposite side of the crosswalk, when I reached her, she put her arm around my waist and I put mine around hers, she exclaimed "you came!" and we walked to the protest holding each other. After the protest we were standing around with several other people and one of them misgendered me. I was really upset by that, but more so by the fact that no one told him that wasn't cool. I held in my pain and told her I'd see her later as she was supposed to pick me up for another protest. The pain of that moment wouldn't go away and I thought it would be a good idea to talk with her about it, not being confrontational, just expressing my feelings and how I didn't feel comfortable in the group and I was thinking of leaving. She said she thought it was simply a misunderstanding, that she would hope I'd reconsider leaving the group and that my presence would be of value to the group and that I have so much to teach them. She then apologized for not saying anything to the guy. I didn't say anything for a couple of minutes and then she wrote "Please forgive me". I told her I would forgive her, but I still wasn't comfortable and lectured her on being a good ally. She said "we will miss you". I sat in my pain for a few hours and then regretted coming down on her so hard, so I sent her a message apologizing for lecturing her and was hoping we could be friends. She "love" reacted to the message but said nothing. She's married to a cishet guy and doesn't always wear her ring. I wasn't looking for anything like this joining such a group, but I had a strange feeling that something would happen with this one. I'm perplexed by human interaction and would like a stranger to help me interpret this.lol
Being perplexed by human interaction is par for the course when you are trans. We are taught from an early age to suppress our natural reactions, and yet no one gives us anything to replace them with. We are left with the feeling that everyone else on stage has read the script but we have to wing it. But many of them are just winging it, too. It sounds like you and the protest organizer really hit it off. That is a good thing. What happened is that someone else screwed up by misgendering you. That was his mistake. Misgendering happens. Sometimes it is innocent; sometimes it is malicious. Only the people who were there can judge which it was in this case. If you are going to be mad at anyone, he is the one to be mad at. We aren't taught how to be trans in public: we just have to wing it. Similarly, our friends aren't taught how to be allies: they just have to wing it. We can turn to other trans people for advice on being trans on forums like this. Our allies have only us to lead and teach them. I can understand that you are mad at them for not speaking up on your behalf, but I think you are also mad at yourself for not speaking up for yourself. I get it: my own first reaction is to freeze. If a friend was with me when that happened, they might be surprised that I seemed "okay" with what happened. I wasn't okay, I was frozen. Don't be too hard on your friends. It sounds like you have talked to them about what happened and they have learned from it. Don't stay mad at them. They didn't know how to be good allies for you, just like you didn't know how to handle the misgendering. Talk to them about what you need and how you would like them to support you. Do you have a gender therapist? It is highly recommended for trans people. They can be a big help do deal with situations like this.
