Desperate.

I'm going to get just a little graphic for a while. But I've had number 1 and number 2 issues all my life. I've been complaining about them all my life, because I've always been a hypo hypochondriac. My mother noticed my frequent urination at age 9. I told her I sat on toilet for hours waiting. And they noticed in grade school in the 8th grade when I kept logging out of class to use the lavatory. I told them I had to and they told me to see a doctor. I saw my pediatrician Dr. Fitzpatrick. And after taking a urine sample he ruled out diabetes. He told my mother that in cases like mine there were two radical, invasive surgeries they could do. We decided not to, even though my teachers seemed to question that decision. (It's a good thing we did. I finally started seeing a urologist for it about 20 years ago. It's the first time I was ever treated for it and I was into my 30s at least. And he said those two surgeries used to be performed, but they accomplished nothing. And my teachers wanted me to have it. They kept giving me dirty looks when I tried to use the bathroom frequently again after that.) I saw the brother of my current gastroenterologist, who I am seeing now. (I call him the older Dr. P because I don't know his first name.) He noticed I had a dry wash cloth in my underpants. I told him it was for the constant leakage I had. He told my mother maybe I should see a urologist. But we never did. The last time I talked about it for sure was with nurse Patti Baxter at Oakwood Hospital in 1988. My mother had her colon removed in May, 1988. And she had rolls of gauze and gauze pads on the floor. I told Patti I was worried I might leak on them, even thru my pajamas. Because that happened back then, it sometimes went thru my pajama pants. But that is the last time I had it for sure. I don't seem to have it now. Everything in my pants seems dry now as far as I can tell.

I also have had cleaning issues with number 2. It has always taken me a ridiculous number of wipes. When I was a child, probably at least 5-7 I'm sure. In frustration I'd eventually just stick a wad of toilet paper up there. My mother said she often stuck a wad too, when she used a public restroom and was in a hurry. When I had my first colonoscopy in 1985 with the older Dr. P, as I lay on the table to have it I pulled out the wad quickly and he reacted with surprise or disgust as he saw me toss in in the waste basket. Now it takes a long time and a long ritual of paper, paper and witch hazel I have in the bathroom and finally baby wipes. The baby wipes are the cheapest thing I can use. They do make wipes for that purpose, but I use too many. And they are much more expensive. And about 20 years ago I found a way to use the other side of a baby wipe by folding it over, which I still do now. But I still use a lot. I use baby wipes for other important cleansing reasons, like cleaning before I use my catheter. I'm running out of baby wipes. And I am using more now since I have started taking a little more fiber. I don't know what other people do in this situation, I have always handled it by myself. And it still never seems fully clean. Though my gastroenterologist says I seem to be handling it well. And at Sinai-Grace hospital last summer, they didn't meet one of my special needs. For cleaning, for mobility and safety, or anything like that. I do that best at home. And now Eric and his brother Tom are hinting at a group home. Where I'd lose my ability to cry for help too. And what does the future hold? Like I've said, what if I couldn't walk? What if I couldn't drive? What if I just got a flat tire now? And why hasn't someone replaced my washing machine by now? Aren't the people responsible for hurting me and getting me to this point responsible for all of that? But no one cares, no one wants to help and my case still doesn't exist. None of those things have changed at all, as far as I know, in years. Something has to be done now. And people aren't going to help me out of the goodness in their heart, they never do anyways. They usually ignore me if I ask for help like I said. Something legal will have to be done immediately. And I still think criminal would be quickest and best. And someone will have to help me doing all that too.