Losing people, yes; regrets not so much and violence, no. Growing up, I earned black belts in both judo and karate so anyone who tried to get violent with me quickly learned that I fought with evil intent. Those I lost, whew, I couldn't really get them to understand that (1) I wasn't gay and (2) I wasn't looking to or asking them if I could go to bed with them. After a while, I got tired of trying to explain myself to people who didn't want to understand my bisexuality and choosing to stick their heads in the sand, call me a faggot, and that's the end of it. From there, everyone was on a need-to-know basis and I had learned - painfully - that there were a lot of people who didn't need to know. My mom knew; my older sister knew; my first wife knew (and so did the poly wives we had) and my second wife knows and the only other people who need to know are the guys whose dick I want to suck and feed my dick to. Ultimately, I got to the point where I didn't give a fuck who knew I was bi and if they didn't like that I was bi, too bad because there isn't anything they can do or say about it; just go on with your life and leave me to mine.
That's exactly how I have felt as well for the last 33 years of having mostly oral sex with guys, some anal. While it remains just a sex life for me, I plan to keep it that way. If it should ever turn into a romantic relationship with someone--boyfriends--then I may reconsider coming out, especially if he is out, but that hasn't happened yet.
Men and women who are actively bisexual, and not simply curious, literally cum out to each other in the course of their intimate encounters. You've gotten past the first awkward moments of meeting each other. Usually, one of you has reached across the gap (in a timeless and memorable moment) to bravely express desire. Then, you're naked and exposed to your lover. You've dropped the hangups imposed by society and wholly embraced your sexuality. You've boldly come out to your lover, so why would you feel the obligation to come out to people who are not your lovers and who in most cases are judgmental about bi or pan or gay sexuality? Live your life. Don't needlessly give people the opportunity to impose their judgments on your consensual intimate relationships.
The truth - at a high level of thought - is that coming out has always been problematic for anyone who isn't staunchly heterosexual. If you've heard coming out horror stories, they're not bullshit - they're real and a lot of bisexuals get it into their head that once they discover their bisexuality, (1) they have to tell someone about it and (2) that's when they tend to find out that they really didn't know the person they came out to when their honesty gets met with rejection and derision and the likes the individual has never seen or experienced before. The problem gets worse when you're in a relationship and so many bisexuals in a relationship have found out the hard way that the one person they thought would understand and who they could trust... lost their fucking minds and brought their relationship to a screeching halt or changed the relationship climate to one that makes being frigid look like a hot summer's day. The one question I have heard many a male bisexual ask has been, "How can I come out to friends, family, co-workers, lovers, etc." and there is no definitive answer; you either gird your loins and come out to folks and whatever happens, just happens or you do what a lot of bisexuals do: Remain silent. Becomes an even bigger problem - again - when there's a relationship involved because, as it's been argued, you could potentially put your wife/girlfriend/lover's health at risk if you hit the DL in order to take care of your need to express yourself sexually and in the same-sex way. Historically, you can be damned if you do and damned if you don't and that's an even bigger problem than trying to figure out who you can tell because society not only drank the "heterosexual-only" Kool-Aid, they breath it like it's air and as we have learned, not everyone is going to be cool with knowing that you're bisexual and, yep, there's no telling who's going to be cool with it and who isn't. The hard question to ask is, "Am I willing to risk everything in order to come out to someone?" With a huge sigh, I was a young, up and coming bisexual when I learned that homosexuals were being traumatized and brutalized - and that was just coming out to family and friends and facing bullying and violence at the hands of "outsiders" - anyone who wasn't family/friends and lives were lost. This was way back in 1964... and social/moral attitudes have not changed so, yeah, you come out at your own risk. Who knows? Maybe you get lucky and the person you come out to is one of those who are 100% down with your sexuality. PS: There are people who need to know and you get to determine who needs to know; every- and anyone else should be on a need-to-know basis and understanding that most people do not need to know. You might feel uncomfortable to not come out to someone you want to share this with but like I've told others so many time: Think first, then act if you must... or if you can.
i agree completely. i have no interest in telling anyone, my sexuality and sex life is no one else’s business
When I see former lovers in public, we simply nod and smile. Discretion is a wonderful thing. I was lucky to have known a Domme who taught me never to kiss and tell.
Guess what: I accidentally came out to two long term, platonic female friends in my meditation class yesterday!! OMG!! When I was going out with my now ex-girlfriend, who knew about my bisexuality at the very beginning of our relationship in 2016 because I informed her, told me in 2019 that she told these two women in our class the year before because she needed to talk to someone about my bisexuality, even though I was monogamous in our relationship (except I did a lot of gay porn on the multiple breaks we had during that turbulent relationship--which she found out about). I was devastated that she had outed me to these two women, but in all this time since I never brought it up with them. I just lived with the internal shame I felt. But these two ladies and I were alone together yesterday in the meditation room and we were talking, and one of the women said something like, "Well I'm sure it's the same with the men you are dating." At least that's what I thought I heard. So that confirmed to me that they knew I have sex with men, and so I just began talking about it, only to discover, lo and behold, neither knew that I was bisexual, let alone now mostly gay after I did the final breakup of my girlfriend and me at the end of 2019. OMG! My girlfriend had lied to me, probably just to hurt me, and as part of her ongoing manipulation of everything with me, which is finally why I said goodbye to her permanently, and all women. It turns out my friend yesterday had said, "Well I'm sure it's the same with the men Ken is dating" (her daughter's name is Kennedy). But somehow I heard "you" instead of "Ken"! They both did a double take from what I was saying about my bisexuality, and then saying they never knew I was bi. For a minute there I didn't know what was happening: it was so surreal. I just outed myself! But fortunately my two friends were really cool about it, they were totally accepting. That was a relief, and part of me expected it, because I know they're both very compassionate & loving people. But I'm also kind of still in shock. And now they're added to the handful of people that know about my sexuality. I guess I'm OK about who knows, as long as my parents and brother don't know, who I think would be devastated, and all my relatives don't know, because they're quite homophobic. At least I'm single with no children.
I've always found it weird how some guys out themselves and that was the last thing they wanted to do. One guy I knew who outed himself was not only shocked that he came out to his wife, but he had also said to me, "Man, it was like I wanted to get busted! I just blurted it out to her!" I've found thought that with some guys, it's a Freudian Slip and one that, sadly, didn't turn out well for some guys. One guy did a FS to his wife and... she knew already and, according to him, she had known for quite a bit of time. It turned out well for him but for others? Not so much. I've known guys to out themselves without saying a single word: Their actions and behaviors outed them.
one problem is that there are always people in the "community" who hate it when guys like us stay on the DL. they seem to think that no one should be in the closet or keep these type of things to themselves. it's quite annoying
Yeah, that whole "you gotta come out" thing is very damned annoying and I've been out since I was 16 but not of a mind to run around telling everyone I came into contact with that I am bisexual. Being bisexual also means how you handle and deal with being bisexual and knowing that there are - and will - be people around you who aren't going to like you for not being straight and if you look at your situation and see that it is not in your best interest to out yourself to anyone, then don't do it. When you're in a relationship, wow, that gets kind of iffy and under the premise that says that you have to tell your partner everything about yourself and there should be zero secrets, so on and all that shit when, really, life doesn't work like that. Things in this situation can tend to get ugly and, yup, you're damned if you tell it and damned if you don't tell it and what is one to do? You still have to use your best judgement to answer this one. I'd never get involved in any gay bashing but I've had gay dudes tell me that I have to come out - and come out as gay (of course) - and I have to let everyone know and... why the hell would I want to do that? I've had other bisexuals tell me that I shouldn't keep people on a need-to-know basis and to be totally honest with them about being bi and very proud of it and... you obviously don't know the people I know or the people where I live and after a lifetime of listening to all that stupid heterosexual rhetoric and bible thumping, I have no patience to listen to it so I'm out the way I want and need to be out. You get to decide.
I am definitely not in a closet when getting it on with a lover. I'm naked and open on a bed, or out in the open wilderness, or even doing a quicky in the stairwell of an industrial building. Any lover of mine knows that I'm willing to do it just about anywhere except in a cramped closet with a bunch of clothes on hangers. But I know what you're talking about. And right, I see no reason at all to tell other people in my life about who is boinking with me and what their gender identification might be. I take care to only engage in safe sex, so I don't even talk about my lovers to other lovers.
I think the main reason I think of coming out publicly is to try and get rid of the stigma. I know I did not really see it as an option when I was younger and hate the idea of perpetuating that. Definitely not judging anyone for keeping their sex life private especially because it’s probably the route I will stick with just venting
sure i get that. i completely understand that bi sexual men being more visible can help with those struggling with their own sexuality. however i'm a private person by nature and i just honestly feel like my sex life is no one else's business. i don't talk to anyone about it. the only reason i bring it up is because i've interacted with some "activist' types who have tried to shame me for keeping this to myself
Sadly, the stigma's not going anywhere any time soon so... why pay attention to it and let it control your life? See, this is the part that, try as I may, I've never been able to figure out because if you kn why ow that the stigma is bullshit, so many of us - too many of us - still let the bullshit run our lives. So, okay, if you don't want to have to listen to the tired-assed rhetoric of the stigma, don't come out to anyone who doesn't need to know. And, yeah, the answer to, "Why didn't you tell me?" is one the person asking this already knows the answer to since it's likely that you came out to them and now, you're being read the riot act and now they've taken something about you and made it all about them. That's why I didn't tell you... because I knew you'd react like this, and I don't need to listen to this bullshit that I've heard before I even met you or knew you were alive. You wanna keep this to yourself? It's your right to do so and ask those activists if they're gonna have your back when your woman puts you out in the street, lose your job, and everything else that could possibly go wrong...
