Ok, so the title says it all. My girlfriend has BPD(borderline personality disorder). I read up on it and it explains a lot of her behaviour like the drugs, sex, self-harm, anxiety etc. It would be greatly appreciated if anyone else with BPD, or is in the same situation, gave me some advice on it. Does it matter? Will it greatly effect the relationship? What can I do? Is there anything I shouldn't do?
I've been in your situation. I could write a novel answering the questions you asked, but it's really not necessary. My advice is to break up with her immediately, don't look back, and count yourself fortunate that you did so. I doubt you're going to take that advice, though... so go here: www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard That is a support group for those who have someone with bpd in their lives and it is invaluable beyond measure. Read as many posts as possible, learn about PUVAS and many of the other techniques about dealing with those with BPD, because you are most definitely going to need them to have any chance at all of having a lasting, healthy relationship. Sorry to be so blunt, but been there, done that, and I definitely don't recommend the roller coaster ride for anyone else.
Having dated someone with BPD before, I'm going to have to agree with fulmah. I certainly am not capable of dealing with someone, no matter how much I love them, if they have BPD. I simply lack the patience. I wish you luck and tremendous patience. I'm not suggesting that someone with BPD is unworthy of having someone love them and I feel tremendous sympathy for what they go through in life, it must be a living nightmare at times. I just know that I, myself am not capable of living in the roller coaster that you are brought into. It was the most emotionally draining experience of my life. Again I wish you all the best in confronting an extremely difficult situation.
): my firends mom has it and it's really difficult for her. she was horribley abusive to my friend as a kid (like shaving half of her head) just horrible heartbreaking things ): when my friends dad died her mom gained 400 pounds. she refuses to take meds ): just be there to support her you can give her ultimatims like 'go to therapy or else' but not like 'if you do something craxy it's ove4r' because that will increase the anxiety. Just be gentle. you sound like a really nice guy though, plus her teenage hormonse might actually make it worse. good luck and HUGS
it breaks my heart there are so many disabilities and things that interferre with a persons abitily to live life to the fullest. i guess its possible, though, that the people who do have to live with these conditions are stronger than the rest of us, because you dont get more than you could handle, and i defintly couldnt handle that.
Thanks for your advice everyone, but she broke up with me yesterday. Apparently I was what she needed but not what she wanted. But she also knew I'd find it hard to deal with her because of the BPD, so she was also trying to protect me and not break my heart. And we're still friends, I'm kind of upset, but it'll pass
My girlfriend has BPD, I've been with her for 2 months now and we're kinda in a crisis right now, this is the second time this has happened this badly. She says a lot of degrading and hurtful things in these situations. Last night we had an argument while in bed and then she just left in the middle of the night, drove to her parents' house and then decided to return. I was really glad she was back, but then this morning things were all weird again, and she said she had doubts about everything including our relationship, which, of course hurts me. But I cant even imagine what its like for her cause I can tell she's is so confused and in a lot of pain and rationally I don't think she really wants to break up. Having read these posts and other information on the internet and the experiences Ive had so far I'm kinda pessimistic about the future of this relationship. On the other hand, I really love her, most of the time things are really great and she's really sweet and I want to believe it is possible to have an enduring relationship with her.. But maybe it would be best to break up and save myself a lot of trouble.. I really dont know what to do anymore. Some advice or whatever would be nice. Having read these posts
Run. Run like hell. You've only been with her two months and are already getting warning signs. As much as you may want this relationship to work, unless she's already deeply committed to overcoming her issues, your relationship stands no chance. None. You're already experiencing what's called intermittent reinforcement, which is like a good cop/bad cop routine; she's all nice and sweet for a while then all of a sudden you're under attack. Over time this will break you down, and you'll start doing anything to avoid situations that can trigger her, but there will always be something that will trigger her. The reality that she perceives is not that which the rest of the world does. A bpd is perfectly capable of rewriting events to match their emotions, and you'll be in fights over things you never did, and over things you never said, because she'll honestly believe they happened. It's sad, true, but don't kid yourself into thinking there's anything you can do about it. You'll be used until you realize you need something for yourself or until you're sucked dry, and then you'll be dropped, painted as the devil incarnate.
Well... speaking as a person with BPD... fuck you all.. hahaha. I am happily married to a wonderful man. Yes, there are times when I lash out at him, but I also have had enough councelling in my life to be able to turn around and apologize for my behaviour, and explain to him what insecurity or past life experiance it was coming from. My husband is also very patient. He has read a couple books, and has come to several of my "sessions" with me to talk about my problems which are now, a lot of the times, our problems. I am not saying he doesn't react or get angry when I am acting out or having an episode... he does. But he leaves the area.. goes for a walk or goes fishing, because he does believe in me enough to know that I don't want to be the "psycho-crazy one", and that while he is gone I will be searching for the trigger or the main hidden issue that caused the outburst. Having BPD is not a life sentance. It is completely possiable to overcome it. I am not even medicated any longer... I have the strenght to continue my fight without relying in meds. Am not saying that 10 years ago I wasn't absolute HELL to date or try to deal with in a romantic sort of way. I was a mess... and had just started getting help. I was at my worst and most destructive from 19-22. But I've gotten better as the years have gone by and I've learnt to understand and deal with the feelings instead of lashing out at the people I do genuinely love. So there is hope... but it might actually take some effort on both peoples behalf.
I knew someone with it was bound to show up! No offense was intended icedteapriestess... I gotta say though, you're the exception. You're doing the little things that illustrate why therapy is an absolute requirement. Leaving the scene of an arguement, as your boyfriend does, almost never goes over well with a bp, since it triggers the fear of abandonment. I've got scars on my arms from trying to get away from my ex's raging. That you let him leave, and then take the time to rationally think through what started the argument, is something you should be proud of. Of course it's possible to have a healthy, balanced relationship with a bp, and it will take a lot of effort from both people involved to make it work, but imo, success or failure is completely dependent upon whether the bp is committed to getting better and actively going about doing so in a healthy manner. Without that caveat in place, there's simply no chance.
I do work at being healthy.. at seeing things the way others see them, and not through my "BPD filter". I still have my bad days where I am still a complete BPD basketcase... but they are fewer and farther between than ever before. I am proud of my progress! The abandonment issue was the one I had the hardest time with. The only reason I can let me husband leave the area when we are fighting is because I trust him. It wasn't an easily won trust.. we both worked at it for a long time. But he proved to me, over the course of several years, that he wasn't going to go anywhere.. that he DOES love me, not just for the time being, but for the long haul. I just wanted to say that help is available. It is doable if the person with BPD really wants to get better. Having BPD isn't fun. You react to things in ways that make no sense.. you harm people you care about.. you behave destructively and can't seem to stop yourself. Its like living a nightmare, because everyone around you seems so normal but you can't seem to pull your shit together. If you don't truely love the woman you are with, the one with BPD, then I do suggest leaving. And although the relationship is hard for you, I am not telling you to leave for your benefit. I am telling you to get out for HER sake. For a BPD, relationships are hard, trusting is hard. If she is trying to make it work (with some slip ups) and you take all that hard work that she is putting out and into the relationship then throw it away, well.... you are going to set her back to square one. The fact that she is even TRYING to be in a relationship says that on SOME level she does want to get better. I never tried to be in an ongoing relationship until I started getting help... before that I used sex as a weapon to hurt people who cared about me. Oh, and if she is really ready for help? I recommend a stay in a hospital. She is going to need some deep intensive help at the start... I was in the hospital for over a month the first time, just trying to understand what was wrong with me and that I could fix it if I tried. She will need your support while she is in the hospital... maybe not your physical presence, but the occasional note or flower does help... but only if you are serious about sticking around. Don't let her depend on you, trust in you, if you don't plan on being there for her in the future.
Thanks for the reactions. Things are all good at the moment. I think there are a lot of different varieties of intensity and ways in which BPD manifestates itself among different persons. My gf is definitely trying to make the effort of wanting to get better. Besides that, I don't think she has it as bad as other cases I read about. I don't think she'd ever get physically violent and she does admit when she has acted irrationaly and apologizes. When we were talking about her last outburst I suggested that she cant really accept that things are simply going well and then she'll just try to find something to create a fight and the next day she agreed on this. We also agreed that she'll try to 'detect' when she's getting into a BPD mood and that she'll just ask me to give her some time and space alone, which I will do of course. Nothing I say or do will help in such a mood anyway. I do truly love her and intend to be with her for a longer time and I really believe it's possible, cause I believe we both want to be together for a long time. If we both keep working at ways to deal with it and things get better it'll work. If things only get worse each time I'll put an end to it. But for now, I really want to make it work.
To those who said "run like hell" - I've seen other bpds where, yeah, i'd do that. But my BPD is hugely anxiety based, and I have a lot of seperation anxiety - if you broke up with me just because I have this illness (well, maybe not now but a few years ago) I would have had serious issues about trust in romantic relationships. That said, I know of one person in particular with BPD who refuses treatment for it - and after 2 years of 2 borderlines trying to communicate and going through hell for her, I completly understand the "run" option.
Uh, that site is sorry to say it.. bullshit. I spent some time reading a few posts and many members and moderators there stated that borderlines are sociopaths and can never admit they are wrong. I've known borderlines in my life and they were ALWAYS able to admit when they were wrong. Maybe the whole forum there wasnt BS but it's very hard for me to find credit in a place where misinformation runs rampant.
The site isn't bullshit, it's a support network for people who have someone with bpd in their lives. This includes parents with bp kids, kids with bp parents, and a slew of people who've been in, or are still in, a relationship with a bp. There are some very harsh statements and overgeneralizations on there, sure, but if you believe that someone with bpd always admits when they're wrong, then you know absolutely nothing about bpd. They do things called "splitting" as a result of "black and white thinking" and "project" their own negative feelings onto the people around them in order to protect themselves. If you're not familiar with the terms quoted, refer to the DSM criteria 1, 2, and 8, and then learn how those criteria actually manifest in the real world. If you still think that site is full of misinformation, then perhaps you should visit bpdrecovery.com, which is run by people with bpd for people with bpd, which also, consequently, fully endorses bpdcentral. There's also bpdresources.com as well, which contains links to articles from around the internet which also supports bpdcentral and backs up their "misinformation". Sorry if I come across as a little harsh, but I used to moderate on that site myself, and I know for a fact that it's not full of misinformation... treating patients with personality disorders is what I wanted to specialize in, I spent an awefully long time in school learning about all of this crap, and focused on bpd when I found out my ex had it, thinking it would help. It didn't.
I also have a decent amount of schooling in psychology and focused on personality disorders quite a bit for a couple reasons. Two of them are that they fasinate me and I have family members with personality disorders (BPD). In any case I do understand black and white thinking (someone is all good or all bad). The reason I got semi offended when I saw people on here and on that site that was linked saying "people with BPD never admit when they are wrong and apologize" is because in my OWN EXPERIENCE- the people I knew with that disorder did apologize when they realized they were wrong. That didn't mean they wouldn't repeat the same patterns but they did apologize. Maybe the people I knew with the disorder are the minority though- I can admit that. As for that site- I said it was BS because of a few threads I read. I admit I did not read the whole site- I just got kind of disgusted with people saying stuff like "They NEVER do this. They ALWAYS do that", etc... It didn't seem very professional to me because I have seen the opposite.
