I love my wife, but I am much less attracted to her physically because of her weight. When we first met, I would have described her as slightly overweight, but she has an amazing personality that I was very attracted to. So I didn't give her weight much thought and never said anything about it to her. Not long after we started dating she decided she wanted to lose some weight. It was her decision alone, but I was very happy with how she looked. She was always someone that guys noticed, but she really started turning heads. I was very attracted to her physically at this point. About 6 months before we got married, she started to put some of the weight back on. It was no big deal to me, so I still didn't say anything about it, although she would make comments occasionally that she wasn't happy about it. Soon after we were married though, she gained a lot more, well beyond what she was when we met. She is about 70lbs overweight by even conservative measures. I still love her, but I just don't find myself physically attracted to her because of this. I have brought it up, and that I am worried about her long term health and asked what I could do to help and support her. But her blood work has always been good so she responds that she is healthy. I feel like she has just given up on this, and that has as much to do with me not being physically attracted to her as the weight because I feel that it means she doesn't think it's important to make an effort for me. I would really like some advice, men or women, on how you approached a similar situation.
That reads a bit 'dark ages' to me. Why should a woman need to 'make an effort' for anyone but themselves? What about her personality/ her soul? Is that not attractive? I think personality, intelligence, compassion are much more important and attractive in themselves. Maybe that's just me though I would hope not.
I don't view the need to make an effort to look attractive as exclusive to women. I see fat overweight guys complain if their very fit wives gain even 5-10 pounds, and I think it is ridiculously hypocritical that it is just accepted that guys can get fat and lazy but hold their wives to different standards. I do my best to stay in shape for my wife, because I feel I owe her that as her husband. I know she likes it because she tells me frequently how she enjoys me being fit. I even went to the extent of putting on a few pounds of muscle when she told me I looked too thin. Why is it unreasonable for me to want the same in return?
Just because your bloodwork is healthy today, it doesn't mean that carrying around another 100 lbs for life won't eventually be detrimental. I think weight gain is all about denial. How your clothes fit and what the bathroom scale says is only the truth. If something changes, you need to make changes - weight takes time and effort to put on and even more to take off. You just don't wake up one day, heavier. I think everyone put weight on over the pandemic, my wife included. What else was there to do but eat and drink, plus it's comforting. She had enough to deal with at her health care job, so she didn't need to hear shit from me over her weight, she knew it was getting out of control. Her visit with her doctor last year or so smacked some sense into her and she's shed the weight and a bit more back to her size 4. It was all about portion size and cutting out sweets and carbs. She lives an active life, but I don't think you can exercise off 70 lbs - it has to be a permanent change in how you deal with food. Bottom line, she feels much better and much better about herself.
Seems like she encourages you and compliments you thus further encouraging you. Do you encourage her too? Not knowing your situation, is it possible she has a lot to deal with (home-making, elderly relatives, children, work, other stuff), such that the superficiality of her outward appearance is secondary to those more important issues?
I have mentioned to her that being overweight can cause a lot of problems down the road, even if she seems healthy now. She acknowledged that was true, but nothing more came of it. I've also mentioned to her that I know she felt better about herself when she was a more healthy weight, and I want that for her. But I can't do it for her. I agree she can't exercise the weight off. But lack of exercise is part of the problem. Even when she lost weight, it was all dieting. In my opinion that isn't healthy either. There needs to be a balance between the two. She will need to do something temporarily to get to a healthy weight, but after that it's just finding a sustainable lifestyle that allows her to keep the weight off. But she has to want to do it, and I am just not seeing that.
I have tried so very hard to be encouraging and supportive. I have approached the situation from a "what can I do to help you" position. I apologized for making her upset about bringing up her weight, but she even told me that after her initial reaction she felt that I had approached it the right way. She has much less stress in her life than she did when we met, and she has told me as much. She feels more supported and her life more stable than it ever was before our relationship. I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I am almost at the point where I feel like I need to just accept that she will never do anything about it, and that it just is what it is. It just sucks because she talks about how lucky she feels to have me compared to many of her friends' husbands, yet in many of those relationships it's a fat husband being an overweight and less supportive husband to a reasonably fit wife.
There seem to be a lot of positives, which are best focused on rather than any negatives. I wonder if that quote could be translated in the extreme, to be her way of saying "please don't leave me". Does she have girlfriends with whom she can talk about her own issues or does she only discuss them with you? I think everyone needs an outlet and/or a person outside their relationship with whom they can discuss things. To do so with a partner can sometimes de-stabalise the relationship or introduce issues that otherwise wouldn't be there. It unsurprising to me that you are concerned and confused. Talking is the only way forward for there to be understanding. If not with you, she does need a confidante. My 2c
That quote needs no translation, that is something she has openly told me she is afraid of. She often has dreams about it. All I can do is just tell her how ridiculous that idea is. She is the person I was meant to be with, and she is stuck with me for life. That before I met her I had no desire to be tied down by marriage, and couldn't understand how people could decide after dating only 6 months that they wanted to marry someone, only realize on my second date with her that there was no way my life would be complete if I didn't marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She has this idea that all of these women want me; I don't know how she comes to this conclusion, because I don't see it and I am an introvert so I don't even come off as being a flirt. She says I'm just oblivious. I feel like this somehow factors into the situation, I'm just not smart enough to know how. She does have a couple of friends she could talk to about pretty much anything, but I don't know that she talks to them about this.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it is a touchy subject. There's a lot of tiptoeing to be done. I think something that kind of nudged her here was she has a friend that has always struggled with her weight big time - and her visit to a cardiologist was a sharp wakeup call. He more or less told her if she continued down this path, she'd be dead in less than ten years. It's surprising how many people lose weight after their first heart attack - those that survive, anyway. Maybe if she sees you making some changes, that can start the ball rolling. One simple thing I did here was cut cream and sugar in my coffee - bam that's a lot of calories over a week. Don't drink soda, diet or not....they're all bad. If you want some, drink the light flavored seltzers. Don't eat in the evening, like when watching TV. Make vegetables a larger portion of your dinner plate. Make portions smaller. You'd be amazed that after you start eating smaller, you really can't eat big anymore. Generally, we eat one big meal a day...not big on breakfast, a lighter lunch and full dinner, not a lot of red meat. When we do go out to eat, it generally lasts two meals. Yeah, we get a pizza occasionally, too - but it seems to last for two meals and a lunch for me. The funny thing is, if you don't buy it, it doesn't get eaten.
Dang, maybe that's what it would take, a brutally honest statement from her doctor. I don't see that happening, at least right now. Even with her being overweight I don't think she'll be dead in ten years, so I don't think she'll get that kind of feedback. Unfortunately I am the one who's always trying to make the healthy changes to our household foods. I don't drink soft drinks, and I try to push for less processed foods. I try to cook as much as I can so that I can help with healthy eating, but our schedules generally mean she's the one who has to cook and she opts for the quicker meals. She also keeps candy/snacks in the house, which I don't like because I don't have great willpower to not eat them. I asked her to not buy candy and sweets that I like so I won't eat them but she says that she and my stepdaughter like them so she still buys them.
Eat less and move more is a mantra from some people. If she won't eat less, or if she finds it too difficult to eat less, and if you like hiking or could be interested in badminton or other (lighter) physical activity, might she join you or join you and another couple? So, like, it could become a social event each week, where you burn calories in an enjoyable activity so the weight comes off gradually and you both improve your health??
I like this solution, and it is one I have tried in the past because it was a way for us to spend time together. There is a local running group that meets at a brewery each week, and we have been attending for a while now. The problem I have encountered is that she feels embarrassed for me to see her engage in physical activity. I have been a runner for over a decade, and although I am not elite by any stretch of the imagination, I am fairly competitive at the local level. So she thinks that I think she looks foolish trying to run. She will sometimes walk, but often chooses to just wait at the brewery for the group to get back from running and socialize afterwards. I thought the group would be helpful since there are slower runners and walkers as well, but although she did walk a lot in the beginning, it trailed off. Being that it's once a week, walking only every other two or three times we go has a negligible impact on her weight, and it has not prompted her to want to go for walks outside of that. This highlights something else I am worried about. I am a mover by nature, and she prefers being sedentary. I am concerned that as we get older (I'm 43, she is 37) that this difference will only widen, to the point where finding common activities that we can both enjoy will get harder and harder.
Is it possible that, because you are an experienced runner, she feels even more out of her comfort zone because she's relatively amateur? What about trying something you're both new to?
Yes, sorry if I didn't clarify that in my response but that is why she feels that way. I would definitely be open to doing something new, I just don't know what that would be. I have asked her if there was any activity she might want to try, but no luck. Maybe she thinks that since I am in much better shape, it would be the same situation no matter what we try.
It's very understandable to find that one is not as physically attracted to a fat woman as much as one was when she wasn't fat. If it was you who'd gotten fat, she might very probably feel less attraction for you too. Wish I had some advice for you, but any advice I'd give would almost surely be considered cruel, so I'll not give it.
Some people choose to be overweight in their lives rather than gin up the gumption to remedy the situation by diet and / or exercise. Such is life. No answer here. Sorry.
NO! This will make her feel even more insecure. Trust me, having a doctor make you cry really does not improve any situation. My suggestion, stop talking about it, stop trying to get her to be more active, stop trying to encourage her to lose weight, stop making it an issue at all even though it is. All that does is add more stress and pressure to her which will make it hard for her to do anything about it. I know you just want to be supportive and that you care about her health as well as her appearance but the very best thing you can do right now is to make her feel loved, make her feel attractive. She needs to start feeling secure in your relationship and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you aren't going anywhere. Right now, especially if she feels so luck to have you, she may be feeling like she doesn't really deserve you or that there is no way anything that good can last and that leads to self sabotaging behavior. She needs to learn to not be afraid and that she is worthy of your love just the way she is. When its no longer obvious that you would be doing it for the activity, then you can begin planning dates that are more active. Do things that are not typical exercise stuff and never say that it is to get her moving more. Go bowling, take ballroom dance classes together, roller skating, go to a flee market or farmers market, find a farm where you can pick your own produce. If you guys aren't already in your "dream house" you can take her on walking tours of different neighborhoods to see where you might want to move, visit open houses on the weekends. All these things involve more movement. Think outside the box. Try to avoid making a meal the central part of a date, you can pack a lunch for some of these things which means you can make it healthier than restaurant food. If you do want to take her out to dinner, you could always try to find a place that has smaller portions and healthier food, usually fancier places so the focus should be on you taking her out to a high end dinner not how much she is eating. The better she feels about her body the more likely she is to start taking care of it. I know it seems contradictory but it is your best bet at steering things in the direction you want them to go. Oh, and if she starts talking about wanting to lose weight on her own, reassure her that she is beautiful just the way she is, let her know that you have faith in her and will be there to support her in any way she wants you to. Do not seem too eager for her to lose the weight, don't get all excited and throw out ideas and solutions, let her figure out what she wants to do and only help when asked. I hope this helps, both you and her.
