Ultimatum, if I stay with my boyfriend my parents are kicking me out.

I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. I am currently going to college and am finishing my senior year. My parents never liked my boyfriend the minute they met him. They thought he looked like a slob and that he wasn't up to their standards. From that day on he was not allowed to come to our house, and they have only talked to him maybe a couple minutes here and there when he has dropped me off at my house. They don't know him at all they have never given him a chance. I know that they just want the best for me, but I just wish they would stay out of my personal relationship.

I love my boyfriend, he is my best friend and we understand each other completely. I've never had that kind of connection with anybody else. My parents have given me the ultimatum of it's him or them. If I choose to stay with him I have to move out of the house.

How can I decide between my parents, whom I love very much, and my boyfriend whom I also love? I don't think it's right of them to make me make this kind of decision, it hurts me that they would do this to me. I try to do everything I can to please them, but I suppose when it comes down to it I need to do what's best for myself.

Some background information on my dad's perspective, he had two kids in his previous marriage, and his other daughter did not go down the right path in life. She dated some of the wrong guys and had three children with three different men and was in and out of the children's lives. She never went to college and didn't amount to much in her life. My father thinks that I will be headed down that road of I stay with my boyfriend, but I would never let that happen to me, nor would I bring any children into the world without being completely sure that I will give them the best lives I can. I'm trying my best not to go down that road by going to school and really trying to do the best for myself in all aspects of my life.

I am completely torn between what decision to make. I can't stand the thought of losing my parents, they're the only ones that have been there for me in my life and I'm very close to them. But I also want to break free from them and move out when I graduate. I just don't want to end things on bad terms like this. I really do not know what to do at all, does anybody have any advice to give? Maybe you've been in a similar situation?

 

Does this guy have a job , a house that you could move in to ? Maby you could get a part time job and share a room with other people from the same school. If this guy is good to you I think your parents will come around , if he is a bum them you will know . desert rat

 

He does have a job, and is saving up to go to school and to get his own place. He is very good to me he treats me wonderfully. He still lives at home with his parents and they have told me it would be ok for me to stay there until we would get our own place.

 

Talk to your parents. Tell them how you feel about them and about your boyfriend. Tell them that you have goals and want to do something with your life. Explain to them that you aren't going down the wrong path like your sister did. Tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Tell them how much this is hurting you. Just be open and honest with them.

 

Love doesn't come with ultimatums.
It's almost like they want to push you down the wrong path, force you out the house and into debt. Their ultimatum can do more harm to you and your future than your boyfriend.

 

That is not only not fair of your parents,but is just asking for trouble. And really surprisingly childish. You have to prove your love for them by giving in to their attempted parental blackmail? I don't see ANY winners in this deal at all. If they would really cut you loose if you were to make and be happy with a decision to proceed with your own life/happiness---they need cut loose. Call their bluff,move in with his parents(IF YOU ARE SURE HE IS THE ONE FOR YOU) move on with your life and hopefully they will grow up and realise the wrong-headedness of their demand.

Parents are there to guide you,not browbeat you into something you don't want.

Of course,now we don't really know your guy,so this is based on what you said.

 

you're a senior in college, you shouldn't be living with your parents anyway. it's ridiculous of them to do this (unless there's something we don't know about your boyfriend), but it's about time to get out on your own anyway.

 

While I don't think your parents are the worst I've ever heard of.

I am frankly insulted that they feel that the bond between parent and child can be used as a tool of leverage to manipulate their child's love life. Especially when that child, based on what you said, has a good reputation for putting education first over other aspects a college student might causing them to go down the wrong path.

I'd recommend the following:


1. You respectfully call you parent's bluff and move in with your boyfriend's family. (risky as they could cut off funding for your tuition...unless you're paying your own way already)

OR

2. Tell your boyfriend you need to "break-up" and covertly continue the relationship without your parents knowledge and continue living at home.

(Prequisites: This requires serious acting skill, and watchful mannerisms and feigned slight depression as you would react if the breakup was real, also requires new ways communication, you can't use phone records or anything traceable or that comes with a financial trail your parents could nose around in)

----

I have to ask, are there hidden reasons your parents hate your boyfriend so much?

(racism, doesn't like his view of religion/faith/opposing faith)

Have your parents done this kinda thing before, either to you or your siblings?

 

No contest, tell your parents to take a hike and move in to your boyfriend's house. This is your life and you have to do what is best for you! Parents should never,ever use emotional blackmail, it's childish, selfish and deserves to backfire!

 

Stems, from what I'd like to call "Parental insecurity" (trademark pending)

Meaning, parents/guardians who create irrational and unfair parenting policies that stem from their insecurities and fears as parents without significant evidence to justify their policy. (Valid evidence must be linked to the individual(s) whose affected by the said policy. Logical fallacies invalidate a parental policy's foundation)

 

Thank you everybody for the advice so far, I appreciate it. There is no racism or opposing faith. They just don't like the way he looks and don't think he'll amount to anything. He is not currently going to college, but he is planning to. He has a full time job, and is saving money for school. My parents have done this to me before, I had a boyfriend in high school that they did not like and they told me I had to break up with him which I did end up doing. I don't know if my dad has done this to his other daughter before. I'm not close with her at all and have never really talked to her, I've only seen her a few times in my life.

 

I'd of flipped out and stormed off the moment they said that to you. They'll come crawling back, they always do. If you can stay at the other place I'd do it. And then, even if its not true, make out like it was best move ever. =D

 

mama birds push their babies out of the nest whether they are ready or not. at least you are getting a choice. my only advice is to be very kind to your parents if you decide to move out. let them know it is just what is best for you at the moment. and stay close to them. you dont have to hold a grudge just because you dont live there anymore.
as my mother would say when i fought with my sisters, "friends come and go but your family will be there for you forever."
another plus is if your parents were right and your boyfriend wasnt right for you then you didnt completely burn that bridge to move back home. (unless they are complete assholes in which you are better off on your own anyway...but from the sounds of it you have good parents that are just making a bad choice.

 

What do your friends think of this guy?

 

Thissss really worries me. And it is also extremely unfair to you and your boyfriend. Is there any way you, and possibly your boyfriend later on, could talk to your parents about him? I don't think you have to justify your feelings for anyone, but I know how parents can be. They need to be constantly reassured that we're not on some downwards trajectory, spinning out of control. Obviously you know they just want what's best for you, but this is your life. You shouldn't be threatened by your own feelings and have them held against you, it's not right. I would really really really encourage you to try to show them why you like him so much. And if your boyfriend could try to impress them? Not act phoney or say things that aren't true, but have him dress nicely and explain to them his feelings for you. Three years is a long time! They need to respect that you're an adult and you can make your own decisions.

 

^Actually I advise against flipping out or even raising your voice. Keeping complete control over emotional-reactionary behavior and remaining cool and collected is the most unnerving thing I think for anybody (parents or not to deal with).

Just at times point out these things when you notice them:

1. Your going off on a rant and dominating what was supposed to be a conversation by the way.

2. No need to raise your voice.

3. I'm not planning on being financially dependent on a husband you know.

Rational responses like that work surprisingly well.

And yeah don't burn the bridge with your parents, remain friendly and respectful to them regardless of what you decide to do.

**Don't get pregnant by the way. That'll complicate things in a way that makes this already tense situation worse.

 

...with his parents and they have told me it would be ok for me to stay there until we would get our own place.

The three times I heard this one it always bode ill. This is not a 'good' offer. If you end up moving out (maybe the boy is worth it), do not move in with the 'offer'.

- JKHolman

 

necroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo