You blew it, I blew it: An open letter to the woman I love unrequitedly

You had an opportunity with me. It was clear I was interested in you. (I still am, very much.) You and I come from similar enough backgrounds socially and interpersonally. We're both relatively inexperienced with dating, so we understand there would be awkwardness. And we would both probably also understand the pain of both trying to grab that brass ring and missing every goddamn time, and spending so much time with the void gnawing at us.

I'm not suggesting we're a perfect match. But our similarities would've been a start. They would've been enough to justify starting to hang out. It seemed to be going in that direction. You seemed interested in me. I was ecstatic.

But then I sensed you lost interest. I don't know why. Maybe it was something I said that you perceived as a red flag. Maybe you thought about me one afternoon and by the next time you saw me, the spark was gone. Maybe despite your above average intelligence, you're shallow. Maybe you suddenly realized I remind you of someone who abused you, and the association with that other person is hard to break. Maybe you're deathly afraid to proceed in an intimate relationship.

I'm trying very hard not to make a judgement, and to be objective here, but I was following what I thought was the natural evolution of our relationship, and you put an abrupt, kind of snarky end to it, or at least an end to what was progressing to what could've become something profound and magical. You blew it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't deeply disappointed. After so many years of my life I thought my time (and probably yours) had finally come. So many pieces of the puzzle were falling in the right place. But as usual fate kicked me in the gut. I don't know why I got so arrogant as to expect this opportunity to work out, but I really wanted it to. I really wanted you to. I really wanted you. I still do.

But I accept you don't want me and you have probably long forgotten about me. You don't owe me anything and never did. I wish you the best and hope you have found your happiness. I know you have gone through some sadness since and I was proud to be part of that support, but then went back in my place back in the shadows.

My sadness is knowing I will never find happiness. No matter how I try it eludes me. So I have completely lost hope and stopped looking for it altogether. I'm not even going to try ever again. At my age getting my hopes up is too painful when I know very well what the result will be. No use setting myself up for sure failure. Either I could never figure this basic social human skill out, or I am not good enough for that attention. Maybe both.