Grieving: On Being One-Big-Hot Mess

WHAT'S going on with me?

I was a zombie. I steeped 5-minute Scottish Breakfast tea for 15 minutes. I left the broiler on and filled the house with smoke. I entered a meeting and thought it was for another discipline. I had to GOOGLE search the meaning of initial acronyms.

I was going through grief. And the process is probably still going on. I have to reach a point when I can simply let go. The person who had died was someone I met when we were about 17 or 18 years old. We spoke at least once a day and were separated by 2,640 USA miles according to GOOGLE maps. Imagine a soulmate who is your everything except for the sex. That was we. I had only had this with one other person in my life. She had left me in 2013.

I have trouble focusing in general. I am not a stickler for details and as such, things have a way of falling through the cracks without my noticing. Since I work in healthcare, I can ill afford to have something like that happening to me. Imagine giving someone the wrong medication?

So, I made an appointment to speak to a witch at my local tarot shop that has offerings "for all your magical needs." The witch had cards and a box of tissues on the table and said to me up-front, "I'm not a grief counselor." I told her they were a dime a dozen and that anyone with whom I work and who follows me on FACEBOOK would stop and offer me their 'words'. I told her that I wanted to speak to a witch. Of all the spiritual folks who walk the earth, the witch seems to be in touch with the elements. The witch creates visualizations from the energies on/at hand. The witch listens. The witch shares.

Her magic was simple. "Tell me about your friend."

How could I have not know that incantation? When I worked 12-hour shifts in a hospital and would hear crying from a room, I would knock on the door and ask if I might come in. "Tell me what hurts you," I'd ask. The person's pain would be validated. The weeper would be reminded of his or her own participation in self care. If there were a belief in a Higher Power with a name, I would say, that you are loved by ____. (I have had many sarcastic moments when I have thought to myself, "Jesus is VERY DISAPPOINTED in you!", but have managed to have such thoughts remain unspoken).

And when all else seems to fail, I can sometimes find the perfect song to soothe the perfect moment. And my favorite go-to song is I HAVE CONFIDENCE.

What will this day be like?
I wonder
What will my future be?
I wonder
It could be so exciting
To be out in the world
To be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
Now here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?
A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts
All these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack
The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me
So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence
They'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see
I have confidence in me
Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm, but kind
And all those children
Heaven bless them
They will look up to me
And mind me
With each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence
The world can all be mine
They'll have to agree
I have confidence in me
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides what you see, I have confidence in me
Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up, wake up
It's healthy
All I trust I leave my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
Oh, help
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides, which you see, I have confidence in me