Yesterday.

I saw one of my doctors yesterday. He said a couple of things that have be very confused. He was obviously lying to me and withholding information from me. He made that pretty clear. Let's not beat around the bush here. Something is obviously seriously wrong here and my doctors are obviously withholding that information from me and others. But he had me very confused. He admitted that I obviously have neuropathy in both my hands. I've known I had neuropathy in my right hand for some time, especially my right thumb. He's says it's in both hands now. And I knew there was damage to feet and hand for some time now, permanent damage that will never go away my doctors have already told me. And now he admits that the neuropathy never went away either. I still have it in my feet, and now both my hands he said. And it's gotten worse and taken a bizarre turn in the past couple of weeks. I've had other weird physical symptoms too the past couple of weeks. A malaise, extreme fatigue sometimes, my urine smells very unusual sometimes (very stale) and is cloudy sometimes too. I think I obviously have diabetes still too. Another one of my doctors said, who are you going to believe? Your pharmacist or us? I supposedly no longer have Type 2 Diabetes and my A1C is 5.4. Both of which seem impossible to me, but I'm not a doctor. They all supposedly are. And that other doctor deliberately dropped a hint that my kidneys are or may be failing recently. If that last one is the case, I need to start dialysis immediately. Again I'm not a doctor, but if all of the above is true I should start treating those conditions now. And maybe I could avoid more damage to feet and hands too. Because it is vital I have a car always. It was always necessary for my independence. My health and safety too. And my happiness. That is what that sick joke and form of mental abuse was based on, making it a horrible violent threat too as I've said. I'd lose everything without a car. I'd lose all my independence and they'd probably have to put me in a group home or public hospital. And I would never let anyone put me there because then I'd be at their mercy in a setting like that. (And that's why it continued as a sick joke and form of abuse even after 2013 when the actual possibility of losing my car was gone. That is why that lady that used to work for me and that other doctor continued using that joke. Making me think I was still in danger of that happening, when really the actual risk had long passed.) They'd control my life and my information. I'd lose all medical consent because then they could forcibly give me those medicines I don't need and should never have been taking there. They sometimes slip other meds into your food there, I learn in 1989. (Like I said, with no feet I could have my legal guardian [who is still very angry and avoiding me now BTW] buy me a car with hand pedals. I told you once that without one hand I could have a car with a steering wheel spinner knob. But what could I use if I lost all four limbs? I'd be totally helpless and crippled at that point, and I don't there is a car that I could use then.) Yet no one is doing anything about this situation, no one is helping me, no one seems to care and I don't even know what is going on. Part of medical consent, as I've explained, is at least knowing what is going on. Knowing you medical diagnoses, knowing the damage that was done to your body by things like medications and the damage that has already been done. Sometimes in the past I didn't have those. And now I seem to have lost what little ever had of any of that.

That doctor yesterday said a couple of other interesting things. He still insists I don't have any form of kidney damage or failure. He said I don't have any form of mental impairment and I actually seem very bright to him. (Like I said, I sometimes wonder if I don't have at least very slight mental impairment, maybe borderline mentally handicapped. I don't know. I just know I'm a obviously not a genius like that they started telling by the 8th grade or high school. And then no matter how horrible the essays were I handed in, the teacher always said they were the best she ever read.) We also talked about my being born with a birth defect. I pointed out to him that the neurologist I saw in 1985 said that the size of my head was abnormal. He showed us the chart, it was way out of the normal range. (I still sometimes wonder if I am deformed even. But I have no idea what I look like to others, which also has never been explained and is strange.) He also continued to deny I have Cerebral Palsy. That last one is very weird, because I don't even know why my doctors are still denying that one. I pointed out to him that he was the one who told me the EEG showed I had it in 2011. He said, we that really isn't an exact diagnosis and could mean anything.

Like I said, I still don't know what any of that means. I don't know why all the information is being withheld from me, and others. I don't who know is withholding it. Whoever is withholding it, that seems to involve all of my doctors and I guess always did. But I have to work with my doctors and have no choice to trust them all. But as you can see, clearly sometimes I can't. And now I might be on the verge of losing everything. And yet I never did any harm to anyone, I am not a bad person. And I all I ever wanted in life were things like a walk in the park. And now someday, maybe very soon, I could lose even that.