I just can't seem to get over partners "high number"

Hello all. I've been with my girlfriend for quite a few years now and I love her, I think she's prob the one. The thing is I can't get over how many people she's been with. Early on in our relationship we got talking about it and she didn't give me a number but said it was over 20. I just can't get over that. I've been with 3 people including her.

It's been bugging me for years! What I really want to do is just get my "numbers up" to at least 5. I don't want a relationship with anyone else but I really really don't want to die having slept with 3 people! Does this make me a bad person for wanting to act upon this? I'm beginning to think if I don't do something now then I'll never get over it

 

No this is definitely always going to bother you. See if she would be down for a threesome with another girl. If I was ever with a girl who only fucked 3 people I would probably let her go out and get her numbers up

 

It doesn't make you a bad person, but something serious to consider is why you even care about the numbers game anymore. If the sex is awesome with your current girlfriend and the relationship is good why mess with it?

If you aren't ready to settle down, don't, but know that it's a trade off that you might have to let your current girlfriend and the relationship you have with her go.

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Honestly, my personal view is that a good balanced relationship is so much harder to find, than random hookups.

One thing you have to ask yourself is, could you live with yourself if your girlfriend was no longer in your life, or if you number remained and stopped at 3.

 

Cheers for the replies guys. In the heat of an argument once she said I should go and do it if it would get it out of my system. That was a few years ago though. As for being settled, I already am. I've been living with her for 5 years.

It bothers me so much now because I did have a few more chances when I was younger but I wasn't very confident and I wasted my chances. That and I was in a relationship for 5 years. I'm far more confident now. Also to know that she's been with so many and I so few just makes me massively jealous. It's partly the fact that hers is a pretty big number (and I have no idea quite how many I just know it's over 20) and that makes me think less of her and partly that I just want a bigger number myself. If I managed to up my numbers she'd never know (unless I told her because of stupid honesty) and I think I could finally move on.

We talked about a threesome a few years ago with another girl and she was up for it then but now I don't know. I'd be up for it though!

Is it cheating if I'm doing it to make the relationship work in the long run?

 

Get over the numbers or get over her. Racking your numbers up isn't going to do any good for anyone but maybe your ego.

 

I've been trying to get over it for years, that's the point! I can't. It doesn't affect us together because I don't talk about it. I just thought that with time it would get better but it's not.

 

I don't think it would help anything to sleep with any more women. It may feel like it would, but you'll feel bad about it afterwards. And most likely you'll lose her in the process. My advice would be to try meditation and find a way to let it go. Or to take a break from the relationship and do your own thing for a while. Otherwise you're just gonna drive yourself crazy

 

I wonder how she feels deep down about being with 20+ people. Wouldn't it be funny if she wished you were her first? This is all just ego and trying to fulfill society's romanticized ideals about promiscuity. "Oh, I've only had sex with 3 people in my life, I haven't fully developed yet. When I hit 5, something magical will happen and I will feel like a real mensch. Until then I'm just a wooden virgin doll."

If she's "the one" then why would you need 2 more notches on your bed? With who? Why? These are questions no one can answer for you and require deep, hard reflection on who you are as a person, what your core values are, and what you want out of this life.

 

Thank you for your points, they are both thoughtful and valid. It's not that when I reach the magical 5 I think everything will be fine and dandy. Nor do I think that I wouldn't feel bad about it. It's just that I believe we only live one life and I feel my girlfriend has lived a little more than me and I want to live a little while I'm still young. What I don't want to do is live with regret in my heart.

 

you sound like your just not ready to settle down

 

And you didn`t do it because...? Any performance anxiety?

Just to put up my vote on the block, I think experience is important. I have sacrificed a monogamous relationship because I wanted more experience, and I think I`ve made the correct choice.

I wouldn`t exchange my sexual past (or, future) for anything!

Edit: Also, I hate to be the one to state the obvious over and over again, but there are many kinds of relationships. Monogamous ones being only a kind out of many. Even though it`s rare, it is quite possible to up your numbers and keep your girlfriend at the same time with her consent.

 

The problem is that you have some deep down inner perception that the woman you are with is supposed to validate you as a man. Or that your sex life was supposed to validate you as a man. Basically too much of your self-esteem is tied up in validation through sex by women.

What you need to be focusing on is why you feel a need to compete. It comes from some inner insecurity that will not go away unless you confront it directly. Trying to go out and sleep with more people is like trying new drugs to break your addiction to old drugs... it only works temporarily and never fixes the main problem... which is just plain ole addiction.

Once you break free of that validation through women you will realize that who you are with (and how many peopel she slept with and what she did before she met you) are not AT ALL a reflection of WHO YOU ARE. You need have more confidence in yourself and stop worry about what other people think.

Trust me - the guys with the absolute hottest females are the biggest douche bags of all.

 

Wait that last sentence is a bit of an over generalization don't you think so Yazzz?

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But yeah OP, don't go sneaking behind your girlfriend's back to get your numbers up, even if you COULD hide it from her. If she's ok with it that's another thing like Cherea said, but from what you've said so far I don't think she'd be up for it.

 

No performance anxiety, it just never happened. I think my best move would be to either bring up the whole threesome (don't really know how though) thing with her or maybe just ask her permission
. . . but again not sure how I'd bring it up in conversation . . hmmmm

 

You know we can tell you a lot of things and give you all kinds of advice, but the one person you should be having this conversation with is your girlfriend. If she is the one, you stand the chance of losing her. If she is or was into threesomes then you both have found an avenue to new adventures with each other included. Good Luck to you both.

 

I see no easy way, if that`s what you mean by 'how'. I hope you turn her out into your very own pornstar. Good luck, buddy. :biggrin:

 

Cheers guys, I'll broach subject . . . somehow :sunny:

 

yeah you need to get your dick wet my man. This isnt about her number being high, it's about your number being low. I used to feel like that too cause I started a bit late in the game and I had a girlfriend who had a number twice as high and mine. Then we broke up and I experimented alot and now i dont care about numbers at all...

 

Why do you care? She's with you now. You need to live in the moment. Why is the past so important? You don't really have anything in life except right now.

Casual sex has nothing to do with real relationships. If you just want to feel macho by putting your dick in a few more vaginas, get busy calling escort services. Your stats can be in double digits by the end of the month.

Who knows? Maybe she feels fucking fantastic about it. Like a rock star.

Yeah, like nobody ever romanticized virginity or strict monogamy, or judged people who have different values.

There is nothing even remotely connected to sex that hasn't been ridiculously over-hyped.

 

be careful karen, your next post will be your 1000th!