Let's talk.

Go watch the vid I sent you on WhatsApp!!!

 

Charging the phone. I thought it would be about covid. lol

 

It sure is!!!
I cannot get the vid to post on here.

 

I'll try when I see it. I may have to track the URL though.

 

Ok most likely on some other place?

 

I hope so. Every time someone posts a video on an app that does not share with google a kitten dies.

 

You mad fool. It is on Facebook.

 

Boris Johnson walks into a Bank



He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.

Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.

Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.

BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.

Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a f***ing donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?

Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."

Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?

 

Vlad I sent you a WhatsApp today. X

 

I guess I'm silly for asking this, but---why doesn't that dummy comb his hair?

 

'Cos he's a Hephatrump clone !!!

 

Flexibility of the word '****'

Sexual: "Let's ****"
Mischief: "Let's **** with them"
Aggression: "Let's **** them up"
Anger: "**** you!"
Regret: "**** me!"
Resignation: "Oh, **** it!"
Surprise: "Holy ****!"
Puzzlement: "What the ****?"
Greeting: "How the **** are you?"
Fraud: "I got ****ed over"
Identification: "Who the **** are you?"
Philosophical: "Who gives a ****?"
Compliment: "She's so ****ing beautiful"
Confusion: "Where the **** are we?"
Wonder: "What the **** is that?"
Amazement: "How the **** did he do that?"
Threat: "Don't **** with me!"
Realisation: "I ****ing knew it!"

So many different applications!

Actually, it is a word I very rarely use. In fact probably only when I've hit my finger with a hammer or something similar ("****ing Jesus").

 

1. Lift up the front and have a good hard look.
2. Check the spare tyre and any handles.
3. Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer.
4. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking.
5. Ensure it response well when you are in the driving seat.
6. Fit a child lock.
7. Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
8. Ensure sole ownership.
9. If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership.
10. Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down….
11. and that it is easy to control.
12. Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it.
13. See if the coil needs replacing.
14. Watch out for any nasty emissions.
15. Keep all leather accessories in order.
16. For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk.
17. Never let your friends have a go.
18. German models - tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent brief usage.
19. Italian models - are very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises.
20. American models - tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
21. British models - especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
22. Swedish models - are usually versatile and safe.
23. Japanese models - are mass-produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
24. French models - are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

 

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2018. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every sixth week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche 911 or Mercedes Estate hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2018, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2018, it tends to delete all of Money before uninstalling itself.

Please advise ASAP Technical Support urgently required.

 

It pays to complain and not take 'NO' as a definitive answer !!!



On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia ) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off..

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.


[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.


[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.


[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00

Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do, and they BREED!!!

 

Oh my!
Good Afternoon Vlad. xxx

 

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

 

A man asks a little girl, "What does your Dad do for a living?"

"He's a magician," says the girl.

"Oh, and what's his best trick?"

"Sawing people in half," says the girl.

"And do you have any other family?"

"Yes," says the girl, "I have a half brother and two half sisters."

 

Pleading: "For **** Sake!"