Your daily joke thread!

I was addicted to hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.

 

I don't get it .

 

Wrinkled clothing!

 

3 builders, John the Englishman. Jock the Scott and Mick the Irishman, were sitting down having their sandwiches at lunchtime.
When John discovered that his wife had made him cheese sandwiches, he said "Not again" and added, "If I get cheese sandwiches again tomorrow, I am going to throw myself off the top of the scaffolding".
Jock opened his roast beef sandwiches and said "I love roast beef, but every day for five years is just too much. If I get them again tomorrow I will do the same".
When Mick discovered his usual ham sandwiches he said, "I will join you".

No prizes for guessing what happened the following day.

After their funerals, their wives met up for a coffee.
Both John and Jock's wives were distraught an agreed that if only they had known, they would have made their husbands something different now and again.
Mick's wife just stood there looking bemused and said, "Mick made his own sandwiches every morning".

 

I got pulled over the other day bay a female traffic cop.
As we talked, I thought I had built up a good rapport with her.
I told her "you' look lovely, 'you'rea right stunner'"

• She smiled

but, when I added "- and that's not the drink talking"

• She smiled no more

(I walk a lot more now)

 

= STONE (d) age?
(which they all seem to be)

 

SOME THOUGHTS TO PONDER...

** If peanut oil is made of peanuts and olive oil is made of olives, just what is baby oil made of?

** And if carnivores eat meat, and vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

** And if two wrongs don't make a right, then why do three rights make a left?

 

The world's oldest joke (no fooling):

1900 BC, Sumeria...

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

 

I hear that Russian generals are doing such an epic job in Ukraine, Republican members of Congress from the Southern states are proposing that we erect statues of them in their honor.

 

The Atkins Diet is all about thoughtful substitutes.

For example, instead of a pudding cup, eat a tub of lard.

Instead of a Dove bar, eat a stick of butter.

Instead of chewing gum, chew suet.

And instead of brushing your teeth with toothpaste, brush your teeth with bacon fat.

...and the pounds will just melt away!

 

SLUT defn.

* A woman with the morals of a man.