Finding bisexual compatibility

I don't see my feminine aspects being related to "bottoming" any more than my masculine characteristics. I've had feminine male lovers and female lovers who were great on top. And most of my encounters with bi males involved switching.

 

there's an awful lot of women with a strong desire to top..

and a lot of them are straight..

everyone has their reasons and urges..

 

It's just my opinion but when you're looking for a specific kind of guy, you should make sure that you let it be known what you want in that one lover and how you expected to be dealt with or, bluntly, you want to be made love to and not merely fucked. If you don't tell guys this, you leave them to their own devices and a lot of guys just feel that you have to be manhandled roughly during sex and guys who are more on the feminine side of things may not be of a mind to be a top for you; most of the guys I've know who are like this have been bottoms and with no interest in topping.

You just have to keep looking for a guy who is going to give it to you the way you want it. Good luck.

 

Now I will add that compatibility is something that has to be discovered or let's get naked and see what we can do to and for each other and, preferably, without a lot of expectations or preferences getting involved because we do have to find out if we can successfully have sex with each other and importantly, if we're ever going to do it again. We... "stupidly" expect compatibility right out of the gate; we set the preferences and then expect someone to be able to meet or exceed them and, oh, yeah, like this is all about us and not about the other guy all that much.

Just another forty-five cents worth but compatibility should begin with do you have the desire to have sex like this and the ability to make it good for yourself and the other guy? Are you flexible enough to go with the flow so both of us can identify what we like and don't like with each other? If you like it rough, can you be okay with things not being all that rough... or are you totally hidebound to your way of doing things? Are your preferences locked in stone and would you ever consider that it's your preferences that's making it hard to find someone you can be compatible with? I can suck and fuck with the best of them and that... makes me pretty compatible... unless your preferences say otherwise.

Let's get naked and see what we can do to and for each other instead of demanding it right up front. I mean, you can - it's your right but chances are you aren't going to find the kind of lover you're looking for any time soon. I would say that we are only incompatible when we can't agree on what we can do to and for each other or some other stuff.

 

I agree, and really it makes my point. Both parties in my opinion need to have some level of desire to please their partner. Otherwise it becomes obvious that one doesn’t really care what the other likes or dislikes.

 

Exactly - and where's the fun in that? It's been my believe that if I'm bi and you are, too, then we're already compatible - now it boils down to us figuring out what we can do to make each other feel good and, you betcha, a nice blowjob always works toward that goal. From there, the only limitations are those we impose upon ourselves. I don't like being fucked roughly. I'll make that clear before any sex happens and if I think he's being to rough, I'll tell him to ease up - and don't make me tell you again. You define the way you want to have sex and you stand by it but sex is a two-way street and there's still no such thing as a free lunch; you're not going to get what you want and think that you don't have to do anything else.

 

Isn't that the same in a mix-sexed coupling? Mutual giving of pleasure rather than mutually using each other's body is the only way, imv.

 

It's supposed to be but it seems to me that when people have sex, making it mutually satisfying isn't a thing anymore. A lot of guys - and I hate to say it but I will - are happy to be some guy's cum dump while passing on being fully satisfied and by someone who isn't about sex being a one-way street. However, I recognize that I'm old school about it...

 

Determining compatibility requires communication and getting it out there what's liked and what isn't but the smart folks also talk about what's possible or what could we do together that'll be pleasurable for both of us. In the good old days, it also required not being afraid to get naked and have sex with someone because actions do speak louder than words but it's like I said before: If I'm bi and you are, we have something in common that can lend itself to being compatible... now it becomes a matter of what we're willing to do in order to find out if we can sexually please each other.

It's not always about what you prefer but all about what you can do and/or are willing to do and more so when none of this is "one size fits all."

 

In the first 20 years of my having sex with guys (and it was just oral), I really didn't know who I was or what I really wanted, since in my fantasies I wanted everything but whenever I was naked with a real guy that disappeared. Lots of confusion. But once I started doing anal with men (so far just topping, but hoping to bottom one day soon), I was more in touch with my gay side, and could really identify, accept, and love my bisexuality. And in every day life, and in the bedroom with guys, I'm masculine. But really for me it's intimacy with a guy, making love, that I most desire.

Sometimes guys want it rough, but I'm not really that guy, though I try to fake it for their sake. I am very passionate in my lovemaking, but it's about our desire for each other, wanting to give pleasure to him, and hopefully he wanting to do the same for me, pleasuring each other other's entire bodies in every way, and definitely passionate kissing, hugging, touching everywhere, having a deep connection, with or without the emotional part, that I most enjoy. But unfortunately for the most part I rarely find such a man.

As mentioned by so many others, so many guys, certainly bi guys, that I have gotten together with at least, are just about cock, and a lot of them are very selfish. My theory is internalized homophobia runs amok in the bi population. But even if that's not true, the man I prefer likes to give and receive passionate lovemaking, sometimes very slow, soft and gentle, other times more passionate, but always deep and connected. It's how I used to make love with women, though there's only been two in my life, lol. But I don't have any sexual or romantic desire for women anymore.

Whether my sex style is due to my stronger homosexuality or whether it's just who I am, my lovemaking style is what it is. But at least around where I live or the guys I seem to hook up with, I pretty much have given up on bi guys, and now just look for gay men. But there are a lot of rough-sex, selfish gay men out there too. I just have to find a gay man like myself, but so far it's been a challenge.

 

I've never believed that it's some kind of homophobia if a guy just wants sex and doesn't want to get all into cuddling and kissing; for some guys, this is just too weird for them, doesn't feel right, stuff like that. That's like saying a guy has internalized homophobia because he doesn't give or receive head. The beauty of all and/or any of this is that you have the sex you want to have and you don't have do it in a way that you're uncomfortable with, like, I hate rough sex and I'm not compatible with guys who think that other guys like having their ass kicked having sex. Can you make love with a guy? Sure - I used to with my boyfriend but it wasn't as a matter of course; I'm not saying he liked it rough, but I think he wanted to remind me that he might act like a woman but he's still a man - and I wouldn't have even dreamed to accuse him of any kind of homophobia because it seems improbable that a homosexual has homophobia.

Some kind of internal self-hatred? Sure. Seen that in some guys but does it speak to compatibility, which I believe is more than how do we fit together in bed? Or, as a woman said to me once, "If you and I can't get along with each other with our clothes on, then we're not going to be compatible with each other..." and I found her reasoning to be sound since compatibility is very much about we get along with each other and what other things we have in common that has nothing to do with sex. I hear women talk about sexual compatibility which is girl code for "can you fuck me the way I want and need to be fucked - and do it consistently every time" and a lot of guys wind up not being all that "compatible" since, um, unless she tells him, he's not going to know how to have sex with her or like I told a woman, "I know how to make love; what I don't know is how to make love to you."

And why would anyone presume that you make love to a man the same way you make love to a woman? So, I get it; if a guy doesn't want to make mad, passionate love to you, then the two of you aren't compatible and he gets kicked to the curb without a chance to prove that he can make mad passionate love to you? Means that he's selfish and, ugh, just all about the dick? I don't particular think that's fair - but that's the way you roll and this is a standard of compatibility that a man has to be able to establish with you - and you do have the right to want what you want and in the way you want it.

I've told guys that same thing, too, because it's the truth as I understand it. I think we use "compatibility" to disqualify and without really giving them a chance to prove themselves and in any way. If you don't want to have sex the way I want to, does that mean we're not compatible? I don't think so and even more so if you never give someone a chance to prove themselves to be compatible. Or you're going to do that annoying thing that women do - be all mysterious and don't answer any questions about how you like your sex and make the poor guy guess at it - and knowing that he's not going to get it right - and I do hope you're not like that, by the way.

But just because you tell a guy how you want to have sex - how you want to be made love do - doesn't mean that he knows how to; or his idea of "making love" and yours aren't quite on the same page. Compatibility also means having the ability to learn from and about each other since any relationship that may come about ain't just about you or what you want and how you want it - because if you can't throw it down the way he likes it, you're not going to be found compatible and will be summarily dismissed out of hand and without getting a chance to "prove" yourself.

Doesn't sound fair, does it? That's because it really isn't. I could deem you and I incompatible because you like to kiss and cuddle and I don't so much (even though I know how to) and, it seems that you prefer to only kiss and cuddle your way through sex and does that make us incompatible on the real? Again, would it be fair of me to kick you to the curb because you don't go about having sex in a way that I like doing in the majority of times? I say that it isn't.

But I've only been doing this since 1964 so what do I know? I tend to call bullshit on the compatible thing at times because it tends to be one-sided, or, if you can't do it the way I want you to, then we're not compatible - but if I don't give you the chance to show me what you can do, how unfair to you is that? Or I tell you that I don't like kissing and cuddling with men... because I really don't but that doesn't mean I don't know how to do it and it's not like I've never done it - which is how I know it's not my favorite thing to do with a guy. Are we incompatible? If you say we are, do you believe that this would be a mistake on your part and you just dismissed a very passionate lover and all-around good guy.

That's the "bullshit" behind bisexual compatibiity. Or compatibility, period. If you're not willing to give guys a chance then you're not my idea of compatible; that internalized homophobia crap makes you incompatible since I have heard men throw this around to DQ any guy who doesn't want to do things their way; it's how you are as a person that will determine whether or not, in my view of things, we can be an item and if you can only have sex in one specific way, hmm. That could be a major deal breaker because it speaks to a lack of flexibility and adaptability that could be signs that we're not compatible.

Instead of holding each other to some unknown sets of standards, how about we get together and spend some time talking and having sex to see if we can build more common ground to stand on? Does that sound fair? I think it does but not everyone tends to agree with my view of things...

 

Heard of it, seen it first-hand, have sat back and wondered about it all. You never know what you're going to get and there's no guarantee that you're always going to get it the way you want it. You can ask for it; you can demand it and not get it - or you get someone else's idea of it, or... let's get naked and see what the two of us can do together without having any expectations, no preconceived notions, no unreasonable or one-sided preferences... and see if we can be compatible with each other. I think some guys are overly influenced by porn and the "macho bullshit" on one side and the "overly soft and tender are you kidding me who does this like that" stuff on the other.

A guy - can't remember if he was gay, straight, or bi - tells me that because I don't kiss guys as a matter of course, I can't be bisexual - and I allowed that my kissing habits do not define me nor do they have anything to do with my bisexuality and the way I want to be bisexual and... he didn't get it but, then again, he watches gay porn and he sees guys kissing, being all rough with each other, trying to be dominant and making the other guy submit - and thinks that this is how men really have sex with each other... and it's bullshit and if you ever went into an encounter and expecting "porn-like" sex and have been disappointed, this isn't incompatibility: This is believing the hype and allowing yourself unrealistic expectations and if you're wondering why you're all by yourself and without a man?

This might have something to do with it. You cannot find compatibility if you're unwilling to do whatever's necessary to obtain it. It's always about seeing what we can do together, both in and out of a bed and it cannot ever be all about what one of us wants. We need to learn to stop making this harder than it already is...

 

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I would prefer someone that is like myself. More sensual and gentle. If he wants it a little rough, like a couple of rough pumps, ok but keep it mild. Not wild.

 

Excellent points, brilliantly said.

This gay-porn-like-sex of necessary submission and dominance is such a turn off for me when looking for porn. I'd rather watch two (or more) regular dad-bod men having a gentle passionate hook-up than the stereotype roles (dom/sub, masc/fem). I think finding the middle ground, or anywhere on that spectrum in between, with someone to connect and explore with is the issue. I feel like some men, possibly myself included, are approaching the 'just sex' without the same filter as they they would with a woman. No getting to know them, finding out of there's any chemistry.

That being said, wouldn't that macho façade mask that need to seek out compatibility or chemistry? As someone who never really ascribed to a macho disposition, I have often witnessed that bravado to hide massive vulnerability and insecurity.

(First post, and hello everyone, I've enjoyed lurking on the forums and the insight and stories and lives you've all shared, thank you!)

 

People expect chemistry to happen at first sight and while it can happen like that, it's a bit unrealistic to expect it to; both compatibility and chemistry are things that can be built once a conversation has been started and you start learning about each other. Some of us expect to be attracted to men and in similar ways that we're attracted to women - and then find themselves not being attracted like that... because it doesn't really work like that - you have to find what's really attractive about them other than what they look like - and you never, ever judge a book by its cover; just because it looks good doesn't mean that it is good and I know too many guys who have learned this the hard way.

When guys start talking about not being attracted, I like to ask them, "What, are you planning to marry him? Have his babies? What difference does his looks really make and if you need someone to look "fantastic" to get your water boiling, I submit to you that there's something wrong if you're not already hyped to have sex." True enough, a lot of guys like the "blow and go" thing because it lacks a certain amount of intimacy and they're not into the kissing and cuddling thing - but it's always been my opinion that compatibility means finding out what the two of you can do instead of having individual preferences clashing and breaking deals like plates at a Greek wedding.

You can't relate unless you communicate and that's how you work on establishing compatibility and if you're not willing to put in the work, well, I don't know what to tell you other than I hope you like not getting any dick.

 

comparability and chemistry is key in making the mm experience wild … what works out for me is talking out what each other likes and supporting each others needs ….if that doesn’t work move on…I had few guys couldn’t connect with our desires or communication, I moved on. I prefer masculine fit men..