Your daily joke thread!

Wife says: Our new neighbor kisses his wife goodbye every day before he goes to work. Why can't you do that?

Husband says: Why , I hardly know the woman!

 

That sounds like something I would say.

 

HUSBAND: Honey ... tell me the truth, Am I the only one you've ever slept with?

WIFE: Absolutely! All the others were 7's 8's and 9's.

 

I told my doctor the TV is talking to me. It's telling me to buy things I don't even need. He told me has that problem too. Their called commercials.

 

Today, they arrested the Devil ... Charged him with Possession.

Q: What is the worst thing you can say to a GHost?
A: Get a Life.

 

How does a non-binary person kill someone?

They slash them.

 

When I was a small kid, maybe 6 or 7, I asked my mother if I could make a toothpaste sandwich à la the Three Stooges. She she said obviously not. That could lead to dental fluorosis. Actually I recently learned only prescription strength fluoride products are strong enough to do that. I'm sure there are probably other reasons why you shouldn't do that though.

 

Anyone remember Lorena Bobbitt? I don't know. They were interviewing an African American woman on TV. And she brought up a good point. Why did she toss it in a field? She should have run over it with her car, she said. Or at least hide it better. Because they were able to reattach it.

 

All Cruelty Springs From Trump's Weak Ass. by Jimbee68 posted Jun 16, 2024 at 6:24 AM

 

Important Message From George Washington. by Jimbee68 posted Jun 16, 2024 at 6:48 AM

 

If You Watch Jaws Backwards. by Jimbee68 posted Jun 18, 2024 at 11:20 AM

If You Watch Jaws Backwards. by Jimbee68 posted Jun 18, 2024 at 11:20 AM

 

People Got Suckered Into the Viatical Settlement Schemes In the Late 80's, Early 90's. by Jimbee68 posted Jun 19, 2024 at 7:10 PM

I just made this. You gotta share it!

 

You know this is something being shared and reshared on the internet for sometime now. Here is just one version:

The ten rules of selfishness — Steemit

But you know, you have the right to be selfish sometimes. We all do. Maybe you are just thinking of your own interests before others. Here is another version I found on another website. I might post the link later:


The ten rules of selfishness.

• I have rights, but never duties.

• I have money, but I don't have to pay my fair share of taxes or wages.

• I can cheat at business.

• I can think, not just be, as selfish as I want.

• The world evolves around me and me alone.

• I am always right.

• I can be as lazy as I want and make other people clean up my messes.

• I can lie all I want.

• I can use violence to achieve my goals. As long as I don't get held responsible.

• I can keep the red hair.

 

I know that getting into a relationship seems like a good idea, but remember;
Sailing aboard the Titanic seemed like a good idea, too.

 

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said "throw this and wherever it lands ill take you on your birthday".

We're spending 3 weeks behind the couch.

 

Highway Patrolman spots a elderly woman driving down the road and she's knitting while driving.
Patrolman speeds after her lights and siren. Pulls up along side and yells "Hey! Pullover!"
Old woman looks at him and says ... "No! It's a Scarf!"

 

Reminds me of Dennis the Menace

 

You know, you conservatives today say you want to keep "In God we trust" on the money. And you're not allowed to say merry Christmas? Yes, yes. We will keep it on the money. And there will be law. No one can stop you from saying merry Christmas. Or they'll get a $500 fine.

And, in exchange. We keep abortion legal, have free access to contraception and end to conversion therapy for gays. But yes. Fair is fair.

 

***Wife, from the kitchen*** HAVE YOU EVER FELT A BURNING, STABBING SENSATION, LIKE SOMEONE'S STABBING YOUR VOODOO DOLL WITH PINS?"
***Husband, from the couch*** NOPE.
***pause***
***Wife, from the kitchen*** HOW ABOUT NOW?

 

Section 445.574b - Michigan Legislature

A person who returns out-of-state nonreturnable containers for a refund is subject to penalties of up to 5 years in jail, a fine of $5,000.00, and restitution.

(Effective: Apr. 1, 1999).