My Mental History.

Another thing about Detroit Chief James White. I usually find it a kind of unattractive trait when a man is religious. Especially when he talks about religion or says religious things in public. As I said, I am attracted to black men. Also sometimes Hispanic men too. Maybe some white men, it's hard to explain that last one. But when Chief White testifies in public, like during an event on TV, I find it kind of sexy now. It's hard to explain. I never really had anything against a person being religious or even testifying, like in public. But it was always kind of a turn off for me. At least I thought it was. Not anymore when I see him doing it now though, as I said.

 

Also, you know once, my father and I were in an Arab restaurant. And I asked the waitress what the word Halal meant. She paused, trying to think of the right word, and said it meant Kosher. Kosher means conforming to Jewish dietary laws. Halal means conforming to Muslim dietary laws. But you know that got me thinking. When people say something, and they just want to convey information, they usually give you the shortest answer possible. Just one you would understand. When they want to say something more poetic, or philosophical, dramatic or emotional, they choose their words more carefully. And they tend to use more words too.

 

Also, one time in 1998 I took a logic class in local community college. And I learned how to graph the underlying logic of sentences using Venn diagrams. And I learned a lot in that class. Most sentences we graphed were simple. A to B to C in logic, etc. But I saw in our text book a sentence graphed. From associate justice John Paul Stevens. He was talking about juvenile justice. And when I flipped the page I was surprised. His sentence literally filled up the whole next page. I saw, even when someone uses simple language, simple words and phrases IOW, it can still have a very complex logical understructure. As I tell people, ever since then, big words don't scare me. I know what all the big words mean. It's simple words that scare me. Because I know they are trying to say something else.

Also I was watching former associate justice Stephen Breyer being interviewed on satellite TV after that. He was talking to a crowd. And he said when a Supreme Court justice renders an opinion, he is really speaking to two audiences. He is talking to the lower courts. So he has to use a language that they will understand. So they understand his legal reasoning, what precedents he's referring to, etc. But a Supreme Court justice is also speaking to the general public. School children will probably be quoting the precedent for years to come. That last one is interesting. Because it shows sometimes when a person uses simple words, and probably big words too for that matter, they can be saying two different things. And sometimes only one group gets the more complex meaning. As I said, I find both of those interesting.

 

As I've said, I am very rational and always have been. I think that is what my morality is mostly based on. That and my personal beliefs. Not just empathy, like most people I guess. But I may have a lot more empathy than even I sometimes realize.

One time I was in the office of that psychologist I saw until 2022. And he did a little experiment, although I didn't know it at the time. He pretended like something I said upset him a lot. Then when I became upset and concerned, he paused and looked at me, as if to show me that I sometimes feel empathy even when I don't realize it at the time.

I also never hang up in people's ears when I am on the telephone. I just don't do it, never did. Even if their a telemarketer trying to sell me something, even if I'm very late for a doctor's appointment at the time. I used to think that was just due to the fact I am so polite. Actually I was recently thinking. I don't think so. I think it's because I don't like it when people hang up in my ear. I think that's just the worst thing you can do to someone. And that is why I never do it.

 

Also, you know that boy, who did all those terrible things to me in the 8th grade. I think people should at least know what he did. Like I said, he was screaming at me at one point, literally. And he was trying to get me put in a juvenile hall, he and his father. It's not illegal to look at people. So I assume he must've been trying to falsely accuse me of something. Or maybe by juvenile hall he really meant a mental hospital, because I was diagnoses as Schizotypal Personality Disorder, actually by age 7. I don't know anymore. But certainly the people is his work place should know. Or maybe in the city he lives in? The local TV station could do a story.

He lives out west now, in a small town. Because you know, my whole grade had only about 90 people in it. It was a very small school. But I think someone should know what he did. Don't you?

 

Strange set of symptoms associated with my problem. (BTW, that what I used to call the personality in my brain in HS. "The Problem" for lack of a better name. When I was telling my mother or doctor about him.) Anyways, one time in the 3rd or 4th grade, probably the 4th, something weird happened. I was giving a report in front of the class. And the children kept laughing, like I was doing something funny. I finally figured it was the way I was adjusting my belt. My pants were loose and I had to keep adjusting my belt. And I could have sworn they only laughed then. So I thought I was being amusing, so adjusted the belt again. Nothing happened. I wondered what that was all about. Then they all laughed the loudest they had the whole time. And now I knew something was wrong. I figured by then, I guess, I had or may have had a personality in my brain. Something seemed to know my thoughts and have a mind of its own. (Like I said, by the 8th grade I assumed there was a logical explanation for how people knew my thoughts. My mother said my friend JG may have been listening in on the phone extension. Actually, what was really happening is the lady psychiatrist I saw at age 7 thought there was something wrong with me. And apparently my behavior was being closely observed, at home too I guess.) Anyways, people laughed loudest. And I got angry, and demanded personality do as I said. It didn't. It never did, oddly. I wondered if that had something to do with psychology. This is going to sound weird. But my mother said two twins in the news used to talk to each other in their sleep. And when their mother opened the door they'd stop. I thought that was the nature of some psychological phenomenon. Like Santa Claus or the Gold at the end of the rainbow. You could get close to both and know they had been there. But you could never see them. (Later when I told my first psychiatrist this he said he had no idea what I was talking about.) Anyways, the personality wouldn't perform on command. And then when I had anxiety he would, the children laughed again, like they heard me say something I didn't. I got very angry at this point. The teacher then laughed and said, okay, okay, I think James has suffered enough, children.

Yeah, adjusting my belt set the personality off. Or strange emotions. Or just intense emotions, I later concluded. (My Spring of 1986 neuropsychologist said, yes, the intensity of your emotions. That's called your libido. He was a neo-Freudian therapist, BTW.) One time in the Summer of 1983, I was in a buffet with my family. And the air conditioner turned off. Back then they were very loud. And as it turned off, I felt a weird sensation. And a man in front of me started coughing loudly and angrily, like he was reacting to something I didn't do. A little boy there saw what was happening, and pretended to cough too. The first man laughed, because he thought was he was doing was cute. Then I had anxiety the personality would bother the little boy, and it did. He coughed like that too. But the Summer of 1984, I concluded that if I just suppressed my intense emotions in public, everything would be all right. Just give the personality what it wanted IOW. Appeasement, I called it. Big mistake. The next year, my Junior year in HS, wasn't better when I did that. It was much worse. And I was never able to feel intense emotions in public again. Until the Summer of 1989.

 

As I said, I thought I was part of a worldwide conspiracy starting January 13, 1988. And by the Spring of 1989, I was sure my college professor was in on it. I falsely told the "bugs" that I was getting desperate. Then when I took that above intro to humanities class in Spring of 1989, almost all of the students in my class with me seemed to be studying to be police. My therapist in 2011 said that probably was just coincidence. I also shared with my doctor this list of "advice" our professor shared with us one day. My therapist said he saw nothing odd in the list. I asked him, so you tell your patients to have "age-specific" behavior? He said, therapists sometimes give patients that advice. Anyways, here is the full list which I carefully copied down as the teacher gave it to us on May 9, 1989. And I held onto it because ironically I thought I might be sharing it with people some day. The list is interesting, because the spaces are where I was distracted or didn't hear what the teacher said. I heard what he said. But I didn't hear the exact words. As I said, I knew I'd be sharing it some day. So I wanted people to know the exact words the teacher used:

"Entitlements" | "Injunctions"


1.) To live. | 1.) To die.
2.) To allow yourself to feel. | 2.) Don't feel, suppress your feelings.
3.) To express the feeling. | 3.) Don't express the feeling.
4.) Express appropriate feelings. | 4.) Express only certain feelings.
5.) Own the feelings you have. | 5.) Substitute one feeling for another.
6.) Have age-specific behavior. | 6.) "- - ? ? "
7.) Grow up. | 7.) Don't grow up.
8.) Grow up to be an independent adult. | 8.) Grow up to take care of need.
9.) Take care of yourself. | 9.) Grow up to take care of everyone.
10.) Be human. | 10.) Be perfect.
11.) Be successful. | 11.) Take appropriate risks". ,(?)"
12.) Succeed on your own terms. | 12.) " in others.
13.) Think for yourself. | 13.) Be confused.
14.) Own your own sexuality. | 14.) Own someone else.
15.) Touch appropriately. | 15.) Don't touch (appropr.).
16.) Be open and close. | 16.) Be distant.
17.) Be healthy. | 17.) Be ill.
18.) Own your own weaknesses. | 18.) Be strong.
19.) Be congruent. | 19.) Be crazy.
20.) Own your own discomfort at others words. | 20.) "- ? ? "
21.) Be potent. | 21.) Be powerless.
22.) Be joyfully in the present. | 22.) Worry about the future.
23.) Face the truth. | 23.) Let's pretend.
24.) You independently can make it. | 24.) Depend on others (?).
25.) My value [sic]in within me. | 25.) My value is in others.
26.) I will feel personally empowered. | 26.) I will need power over others.

__________________________________________________________________________________
​

EDIT: And the teacher by then knew of my interest in new, unique words. So he seemed to say the word "congruent" and pause and smile. But as I told my therapist in 2011, that just missed the mark. I didn't like word congruent. Something about the "oo" sound in the "u". But that may have been for the better. They seemed to be monitoring my thoughts and actions. Since they weren't accurate sometime in what they thought I was thinking, I sometimes could use that to my advantage.

 

Also, there usually is a rational explanation for everything. For example there is a perfectly normal optical illusion, though actually I think it originates in the mind, where a person looks at a statue. And it appears that the eyes are moving. Sometimes in extreme cases, the arms and legs may even seem to move. While you're looking it out of the corner of your eye. I know there is a legend in Washington, DC that all the statues in Statuary Hall dance at Midnight on New Year's Eve. Because a guard there once saw it. People since then have claimed to have seen that. Well, the guard was drunk. And it was New Year's Eve after all. And why do they continue to dance every New Year's Eve, as people claim? They say it's because the republic has survived another year. But I don't know. There also are stories of a demon cat roaming DC, at least since 1862. A White House nightwatchman claimed he saw one night before John F. Kennedy’s assassination. A similar thing happened before Lincoln was assassinated. And other guards have seen him. Some people speculate that the Demon Cat is Tiger, the pet of President and Mrs. Coolidge. Others point out, again, that many of the nightwatchmen were drunk when too when they claimed to see it. Although at least one person claims to have been knocked down by the cat.

Also, I think as a child, maybe 5 or 6, I was telling mother the people in paintings looked like they were watching me in the room. My mother, who was a painter herself, said there was a logical explanation for that. The people in paintings, and photographs, aren't looking at you. They're actually looking at the person taking the picture. And, she explained to me, no matter where you are in the room, if you look up again at the picture, it would still look like they were looking at you. That's why people sometimes claim the eyes of people in paintings in a room seem to be following them. They aren't. It just appears that way, because every time this look up at the picture, the person still seems to be looking at them.

 

I once talked to a judge about my case. He claimed to not even know what I was talking about. But he said, if you want your legal status changed, just hire a lawyer. As I told him, I'm an indigent. I can't afford a lawyer. Really the only choice would be to take criminal action, I told him. And I should have added, unless you want to pay for one.

But that is actually true. Speaking generally now. If someone without any funds wants to defend their rights, against abuse. Criminal action is the only option. Unless the person violating their rights would actually pay for the lawyer. Think about it.

 

My mother used to tell me the story of this attached picture of the Our Lady of Olives medallion. As a child, she was afraid of electrical storms. They terrified her. My father used to tell me the same thing. But one day in RC school the nuns were selling this religious item. She saw the lightening bolts on the side and thought it must protect against storms, which she thought then were dangerous. So whenever it rained, she sat in her room and kissed this medallion. And she was able to overcome her fear. I held onto the actual original one she owned BTW, here.

It's interesting. Because by the time I knew her, she enjoyed lightening storms. During really strong storms she and my father would sit on or back porch. The back porch gave the best view of storms. And then my parents would invite me to join them.

Our Lady of Olives Medallion. by Jimbee68 posted Jun 17, 2024 at 10:39 AM

 

Like I said around 2005, the police, and perhaps paramedics (how were they all communicating?) suddenly just decided to talk about taking away my driver's license. I had been driving since 1989, and nothing that at least I knew of happened around that time.

But I am trying to take legal action now, or at least am taking steps in that direction. And center to my legal action is not only to point out how stupid it is that I am in a position that people can just decide one day I won't drive. But also to change the laws where I live regarding driver's licenses. They say in the United States driving is a privilege. From what I understand in other countries it is a right. I think it should be a right here too.

 

“They were a boy and girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shrivelled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Ignorance and Want. Scrooge started back, appalled. 'Spirit! are they yours?' Scrooge could say no more.

'They are Man’s,' said the Spirit, looking down upon them. 'And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!' cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. 'Slander those who tell it ye! Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And bide the end!'

'Have they no refuge or resource?' cried Scrooge.

'Are there no prisons?' said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. 'Are there no workhouses?'

The bell struck twelve.”

-A Christmas Carol
by Charles Dickens (1843) Stave Three,
The Second of the Three Spirits.
​

Yeah, some people actually think that certain groups, like the mentally ill, would just be better off in prisons. One guy on a discussion page about 10 years ago told me that. There are no more public hospitals, he pointed out. Yeah, certain professions, certain types want that. I'll leave it there.

 

You know, people say I don't get humor. But I do get irony usually. And mathematical irony (more on that below).

If I'm ever in a sham trial again, like I was in that Wayne County, MI courthouse in 1992, I will tell everyone what people did to me throughout the years. The mental health so-called professionals. And everyone else. They know who they are. And even if they ask me something stupid like why I'm wearing plastic gloves, that could lead to infection and death. Or why I don't clean my house every day. Or wash my wooden floors or have a little clutter in my house. Stupid stuff like that. I will start talking about all the things people did that led to my two suicide attempts in 1989 and 2004, and that led to me even contemplating suicide in 1983. The judge will claim I am in contempt of court. And now that I post this, everyone will know of this plan. So I will have to talk fast, and say the most incriminating things first. Because the You know, people say I don't get humor. But I do get irony usually. And mathematical irony (more on that below).

If I'm ever in a sham trial again, like I was in that Wayne County, MI courthouse in 1992, I will tell everyone what people did to me throughout the years. The mental health so-called professionals. And everyone else. They know who they are. And even if they ask me something stupid like why I'm wearing plastic gloves, that could lead to infection and death. Or why I don't clean my house every day. Or wash my wooden floors, or have a little clutter in my house. Stupid stuff like that. I will start talking about all the things people did that led to my two suicide attempts in 1989 and 2004, and that led to me even contemplating suicide in 1983. The judge will claim I am in contempt of court. And now that I post this, everyone will know of this plan. So I will have to talk fast, and say the most incriminating things first. Because the bailiff will probably be standing next to me, ready to haul me out of court. After reading this, as I said.

And yes, mathematical irony. The judge will probably then tell me not to say that to anyone, at least till the sham court proceeding is over with. But it he or she tells me not to tell 5 certain people, I will just make sure I will tell the 10 I can. And if he or she tries to include them in the class of people I am not to tell these things to, I will tell 20 more like that then. And so forth.

That's called exponential growth. Because 1, 2, 4, 8, etc. is based on the graph Y = X². I also tell people I came up with a plan about 20 years ago sending out chain letters using that. (No I didn't say a pyramid scheme, I said chain letters. Those are always legal.) Chain letters follow the Y = X² graph too. Actually, if they worked, then after a couple of cycles everyone in the world would receive your chain letter. The reason that never happens is obviously because most people ignore chain letters. I still find that fascinating though, exponential growth. The line on the graph is almost a vertical line, therefore almost infinity. And I find that fascinating.

People ignore chain letters. But if the 20 people I tell tell even 2 or 3 more, the message may not get to the whole world. But many, many people would hear it indeed. But only if I find myself in any situation like that ever again. So be forewarned, everyone. will probably be standing next to me, ready to haul me out of court. After reading this, as I said.

And yes, mathematical irony. The judge will probably then tell me not to say that to anyone, at least till the sham court proceeding is over with. But it he or she tells me not to tell 5 certain people, I will just make sure I will tell the 10 I can. And if she tries to include them in the class of people I am not to tell these things to, I will tell 20 more like that then. And so forth.

That's called exponential growth. Because 1, 2, 4, 8, etc. is based on the graph Y = X². I also tell people I came up with a plan about 20 years ago sending out chain letters using that. (No I didn't say a pyramid scheme, I said chain letters. Those are always legal.) Chain letters follow the Y = X² graph too. Actually, if they worked, then after a couple of cycles everyone in the world would receive your chain letter. The reason that never happens is obviously because most people ignore chain letters. I still find that fascinating though, exponential growth. The line on the graph is almost a vertical line, therefore almost infinity. And I find that fascinating.

People ignore chain letters. But if the 20 people I tell tell even 2 or 3 more, the message may not get to the whole world. But many, many people would hear it indeed. But only if I find myself in any situation like that ever again. So be forewarned, everyone.

 

"Where there is no emotion there is no motive for violence."

-Dagger Of The Mind,

Stardate: 2715.1,
Original Airdate: 3 Nov, 1966.


Mr. Spock has been my hero since childhood, though he is fictional of course. I always thought I was logical. My mother was asking the kids in grade school to play with me. And I thought that was a good idea. And that way they'd get in trouble if the were mean to me or told me to get lost. And they did often. Because I was different, basically. But I don't know about those three things. Being rational, lack of empathy and lack of emotion. They are three very different things. I have always been rational, I think.

A true sociopath would lack all empathy. Everyone agrees there never has been a true sociopath. They lack empathy, though they have it. There was an interesting story on Primetime Live once. There was this Italian guy. And, long-story-short, he was born with the Sociopath Gene. He lacked empathy. But he was never abused. His parents, actually, spoiled him and treated him like royalty. And so he never became evil. He was kind and nice. He cared. They said driving down a street, he would never hit a pedestrian. Not even accidentally. I'm obviously not a sociopath. Though people have often jokingly accused me of that since the 8th grade. Joking about what, I still don't know.

I don't know what lack of emotion is exactly. I have a lot of emotion, I think they're in a smaller bandwidth than the average person. But I don't know what the average person feels or if there even is an average person. But I feel them much more keenly, my emotions affect me more, and always have. And I have never been full of malice or hate, or anything like that, anyways. I don't know how empathy is defined either. I use to tell my doctor I last saw in 2022, that most of my conscience and empathy consisted of my beliefs and approach to life. But he demonstrated one time when I was in his office. I actually have a lot of empathy, even more than I know perhaps. I don't like hurting people's feelings, I respect their rights, I obsess over even the littlest thing.

I know starting in 1982, then more so in 1986, people in my life were trying to put me away some place. And they were trying to prove that I was a bad person, or a danger to others. A legal argument, of course. Then that never worked, so they started claiming I was a danger to myself in 1992. Because I thought living the rest of my life experiencing the very painful side effect akathisia, from a drug I didn't even need, made me upset. And I wasn't supposed to get upset when people said that for some reason.

Anyways, I know people can't make the argument that of either one of those things. That I am a danger to myself or others. By the way, there have been recent developments in my case just today. That is all I will say.

 

I think there's going to be criminal action taken now in my case. That's all I'll say.

But I was also going to say. The Riot Act was the law in England from 1715-1973. The official went to the scene of a social disturbance that was beginning. And he slowly read the act. Slowly, and loud enough so that everyone present could hear. And that gave everyone more than enough time to leave. On foot, on horseback, in a carriage. And the government had to uphold its end of the deal. It had to read every part of the Act. Even "God save the King" at the end.

People had more than enough time in my life to treat me nicely, to reform their behavior, to do what was right by me. Several years, these past couple of years. Forty years really, because I think this all really began in 1982 in my grade school. I am never going to do that ever again. I will give people one warning. I will tell them, but only as a last resort, that if they don't stop violating my rights, they will face legal action. And if they don't stop what they are doing, I will take legal action.

And even if they face serious consequences for what they did, at that point they will have no one to blame but themselves. Read the old stories in history about that Act.

 

Clarence Darrow (1857-1938), "Attorney for the Damned", is considered a hero in American culture. But by today's standards, he was kind of a jerk. He supported eugenics at one point. And all he ever really did was his job and what was expected of him. And that makes you a hero?

But I don't know. In my country and my situation, maybe it does.

 

If you do your job and what is expected of you exceptionally well, it can make you famous, if not a "hero". Darrow is famous for his role in the Scopes Trial and his defense of unpopular defendants like Ossian Smith, Eugene V. Debbs, Leopold and Loeb, and several high profile cases involving labor unions. He was a brilliant trial lawyer whose reputation for successfully defending seemingly lost causes was well-deserved. What, exactly, makes him "kind of a jerk" by today's standards? The fact that he opposed the New Deal? helped criminals get off? was a cynic and and agnostic? or that he, like many others at the time, embraced eugenics, which is now discredited? The man was a flawed human, not a deity, and we all probably believe lots of nonsense which is currently considered "wisdom". I'll bet that most of us are "kind of" jerks in one way or another. I wish I were one like Darrow!
Clarence Darrow: Dragonslayer.
Lawyer Clarence Darrow, Legendary Defender of the Damned

 

You know, I keep telling my therapist in the past, and more recently. I attempted suicide in 1989 and 2004. And I contemplated it shortly after both those times. But every time I even contemplated it, isn't wasn't for depression. It was for problems in my life that were man made. And man made problems are always solvable, even if natural ones are always different.

A natural mountain may be immovable. But a man made mountain always will be. It may seem it's immovable, because it is just as large. But man made it, and therefore man can move. I think that philosophy applies to my life.

 

Jimbee

This reminds me of my own struggle with addiction and the subsequent aftercare that led me to sobriety and more clarity of mind. I'll elaborate as briefly as possible.

My thoughts... What a jumbled mess! I used to feel really misunderstood! And nine times out of ten if I tried to tell someone, they said matter of fact "you misunderstood or misinterpreted".

What I learned was 'industry-speak'. If someone said they didn't understand and to repeat myself, it felt like an attack! Why wasn't I important to be heard the first time through my performance? Like an actor at an audition, it felt like the director trying to lower my self-confidence in some kind of psychological warfare!

Instead of repeating, I found lots of resolve in asking for 'Active Listening'; a very common term in psychology and one that is expected to be known in that context (I had called a hotline with anxiety).

The person refused but I was satisfied and reported to their boss, "this person wanted to belittle me by having me repeat myself in a ridiculous way".

That's one example.

What I mean is that when I could categorically put my thoughts or feelings into an organized, specific, and politically correct container the result was not refutable. It sort of directs the listener to respond in kind and follow suit. If and when they don't, you know you did no wrong and that if they intend to mistreat you it's their own fault.

But that's not all that's there to say...

We don't all benefit from the scholarship of a lengthy college attendance, nor do we have the patience to organize our thoughts for less attention than we think we probably deserve.

I think the most intelligent thing I can say then is I see exactly what you mean, I don't think you're wrong, and I hope it gives you an iota of clarity that I think we're on the same page here.

I don't like being confused by a coincidence that I think is unfriendly. I hope that it's something you have learned to factor out and if not, I know there are medications that can make even the most unpleasant coincidences more tolerable.

One thing*... Hotlines. There is no sense in waiting a week for your next counseling appointment when things are intolerable right now and immediately. The best medicine you can give yourself is to immediately say what you mean and let yourself have the emotional freedom to move on as soon as you can.

 

I think I was more into the idea of retribution when I was younger. I told all my therapists, I was an angry young man too once. But the idea that you secretly want someone to be abused in jail or prison, for us humans, that was always wrong.

One time, about 20 years ago, I think, these two paramedics were giving their victim impact statements at the end of a trial. A fellow paramedic had been killed by the suspect during a call. We don't have the death penalty Michigan, actually never did. And as the blonde guy rose to spoke, he said the prison that the guy was going to, I hope they know how to "take care of business" there. Meaning he hoped the convict would be killed there.

He was a paramedic whose job was to heal and help. What horrible thing for him to say, even as a victim.