Is he Bisexual? Need help please.

Yes, I am keen to hear your opinions or insights on my analysis and conclusion below. This is my reply to someone who shared her experience as a bisexual, and how her husband accepts her gay life and has an open marriage with her. Because he loved her, and she was honest with him from the start:

"Hi, thanks for sharing. I understand how you felt during your journey. If he had been honest with me, I might have made compromises and accepted his sexuality as well, given that I was in love. Regarding being in an open relationship or marriage, that’s a definite "no" for me. This is another reason why I feel concerned about dating a bisexual man, even though I know bisexuality doesn’t equal cheating or betrayal. I understand that bisexual men's sexual desires are not fixed to one side, and it is particularly challenging for a bisexual man, especially if he is more male-oriented, to suppress his desire for male sex in the long term.

In my case, I don’t know if he is more male-preferred, but if he has tried male sex, how can I guarantee that he would never long for it again, especially when our relationship encounters challenges, or after our sexual life becomes dull?

The biggest issue here, however, is how he deals with this. His dishonesty makes me question his trustworthiness and potential loyalty to his partner. From what he did and said to me so far, I don’t have confidence that he could control himself or be reliable in a long-term, exclusive relationship."

 

I understand.
I think to try to embark on a such a relationship, with such issues of trust raging around in your head, is futile.

That said, there are guys who enjoy playing with another guy, just for the sucking and orgasm, nothing more. And some others also fuck with another guy, mutually. That's not the same as that which you're worried about. These guys I speak of either do it just for the cock. No kissing, no emotion, indeed, it's the fact that there's not mental emotion that makes it easier and better for them.

Hey there's plenty of them here who can comment on that from their own personal MM involvement, instead of me relaying that which I have read, here in Hip.

My point is, there can come a time in a relationship, when the female is off sex. I don't mean each month but rather, through illness, stress (mothering babies and toddlers), and menopause. Knowing g and respecting their husband has his needs, she will allow and sometimes encourage MM play so he won't look for MF sex. Sometimes she'll be the one who invites a guy around and she may set it up and she might also watch them, at least in the beginning.

Such MM contact isn't a threat to your MF relationship. Imv its the mentality, the potential for cerebral connection with another that frames the threat. With man or woman, if he is bi he might connect with either. A straight guy won't yet straight guys do play with cock, which contrary to societal norms isn't an oxymoron. It's just an area of sex a woman can't give a man so some explore and experiment. So whilst you should have the strength of your convictions, please don't let a straight guy playing with cock, blow up your world. He may need to do it 1, 5, 10, even 30yrs down the road but it doesn't need to bust your marriage.

We may need to discuss more because I may have opened the reality that is Pandora's box.

Happy to do so.
B

 

Thank you for sharing. I’m always concerned that it would be difficult for a bisexual man to give up male sex if he has experienced the "high" before. The novelty and excitement can be more intense than with a woman, especially for those who have enjoyed prostate orgasms. Most straight women would feel uncomfortable dominating their men as bottoms to satisfy them, meaning most bisexual men would not have prostate orgasms after entering an exclusive heterosexual relationship. Even if their women can be masculine on top, the men might still want another man because the feelings and dynamics are different. The intense sexual pleasure with another man could become addictive, which I believe is the main reason for bisexual men cannot be loyal in long-term relationships with women.

 

I've not yet had a bi-sexual thing with a guy. However, to play with the prostate doesn't require the woman to be dominant.
I have enjoyed such play with a woman and she was not dominant. She didn't fuck me with a strap-on though if she had, I doubt she'd have been dominant.

It's about given each other the pleasures they crave/enjoy/want to try.

She just needs to be open to him having pleasure from a new way of stimulation, with her.
That being, for example, he laying on his back, knees up, and she pushes a toy into his bum and moves it about to find his prostate. She'll know when she reaches it So will he!!
Or, if she's up for it, (with surgical gloves ideally), she could put her finger into his bum, (no long nails though), as if a prostate exam, and press on it when she feels a small walnut-like thing.
That'll be the prostate gland.
She shouldn't rub it but, instead, press on it or massage it.

Alternatively, she could invite a friend around - a male friend - and watch them doing it.
Some girls and women find that very erotic and it wraps that play up in a bubble, where it can happen with her present, with a guy they're both happy with and he unlikely to go elsewhere if it's allowed by his GF/wife on occasions as part of their sex life.

Some guys find that really arousing and very intimate, not because it's another guy but because his wife/GF is willing to involve herself in that which he wants her to be involved in a fully open sex life together.
And some couples allow the female to experience the two guys, which is a whole new thing for her
Again, no dominance required or necessary.

Some guys wouldn't stray - even when their wife can't have sex (long term issues - post menopause for example) and that's when *they* go for cock - paradoxical perhaps with your current thinking, I imagine (not a criticism), but it is so they stay loyal to their wife and don't stray with a woman.
However, some have said that once they did that, they wish they had done it with a guy years before. BTW, those I have discussed it with have played with cock, with their wife's permission because she knew their man needed more than just masturbation and it was a way to avoid him/prevent him from straying with a woman.

Another alternative, I imagine, would be involving another woman, for herself. Or an MF couple for both of them.
The opportunities for new exciting experiences is huge.
He doesn't need to be bi to play with cock. Nope, he doesn't.
Guys who think that are pigeon-holers and, imv, perhaps insecure in their own sexuality.

Keen to know your thoughts on all of that before writing more
B

 

A guy getting pegged by a woman doesn't mean that he's bisexual. He could be but he doesn't dare let it be known that he is but, yeah, sure, if he's ever had those cheeks beaten up by a guy - or has exchanged blowjobs with a guy - that high is a motherfucker and then some and it's almost impossible to forget it and pegging is, for some guys, an okay substitute because pegging is sex and sex that may not have anything to do with anyone's sexuality and isn't a part of playing BDSM games like who's dominant and submissive... unless such things float your boat and all that.

Which is all well and good if homey has a woman who'd be willing to plow his south 40 - and for whatever reason why she'd do such a thing - and a thing that, if nothing else, just might get her thinking that (a) he's really gay and (b) he's been running around behind her back getting fucked by strange men - and when, truth be told, he hasn't. Prostate massage is a "thing" now and I can see how and why a guy would need his woman's help with this - unless he's okay doing it himself - but, no, wanting/needing his prostate stimulate doesn't mean that he's bi. You should know and be aware of the fact that not all bisexual men want their prostate messed with in any way and prefer to get their same-sex jollies sucking cock more than taking said cock in the ass.

Pegging is just sex, if you wanna look at it like that and sex that may or may not be related to a guy's sexuality. One does not have to be gay or bi to suck dick; one just has to want to do it. Same with being pegged by a woman; you don't have to be bi, gay, or into things BDSM to want a woman to strap one on and give you the business - you just gotta want her to do that to you and, yeah, your biggest problem is getting her to do it.

The most important part of my message is to never assume anything; if you want to know something about him, ask him and, hopefully, he'll answer you and do so honestly. I find it curious that this started out about this guy's sexuality and has morphed into stuff about pegging and making me wonder, on the real, which thing you really need help with...

 

Thank you for sharing. Although I have heard of these things, I don’t think they’re for me, nor would I ever try them. As a woman with 20 years of active sexual life, I know what I like and what I don’t - I couldn't imagine myself playing with my partner's ass, or F*k his bottom as a top. If I hadn’t met this man, I wouldn’t have the motivation to explore and understand the attraction and pleasure from Male-Male sex.

It is very difficult for me to accept a man who has been a bottom with another man or had suck others' cocks; these are off-putting to me. In my case, after I fell in love with him, I even considered compromising on this and tried to understand bisexual men. However, his dishonesty and other red flags became my key concerns in the end, leading me to question his trustworthiness and loyalty in the long term. Based on his behavior so far, I believe there is a very big chance that this man would cheat, either with men or women. My biggest fear is that if we continue, he might one day drop a bombshell confession that he is bisexual or gay, causing more mental damages —like other women who discover they have closeted husbands.

I hope my sexual comment doesn’t offend anyone. Some may say I’m narrow-minded or homophobic, but I believe this is a normal reaction for most straight women. It’s simply a matter of personal preference.

 

Thank you for feeding me more knowledge about MM sex.

"Sure, if he's ever had those cheeks beaten up by a guy – or has exchanged blowjobs with a guy – that high is a motherfucker and then some, and it's almost impossible to forget it."
Your information here confirms with my understanding of male sexual addiction, particularly for men who have experienced the intense pleasure of sex with other men. I think this is also the key concern for many straight women: if we date a man who is bisexual or enjoys male sex, how can we guarantee that they won’t seek that experience again or cheat on us in the long run? This is especially worrying in relationships, where there are ups and downs, and our sexual life may become dull at times.

Many straight women also dislike the thought of their partners have sucked others cocks or been penetrated as a bottom by other men. This explains why bisexual men can be off-putting for most straight women. I understand that some women can accept this, or others might change their minds after they fall in love and compromise for their men if they enjoy MM sex—that's another story.

*"The most important part of my message is to never assume anything; if you want to know something about him, ask him and, hopefully, he'll answer you honestly. I find it curious that this started out about this guy's sexuality and has morphed into stuff about pegging, making me wonder, on the real, which thing you really need help with..."*

Good question. The original reason for my post was to seek second opinions on my ex’s sexuality, given his many suspicious behaviors and his lack of transparency and honesty. For a relationship to which I devoted my whole heart, I really wanted to understand what I had been through. My understanding of the intense pleasure of MM sex, and how it might lead to cheating in a heterosexual relationship, brought this discussion to prostate orgasm and MM sex activities.

That said, the main purpose of this discussion is still about relationships, not sex. For this case, in the end, this man’s dishonesty and other red flags were the key issues: his refusal to be open about his sexuality, hunger for external validation and attention from both women and men due to low self-esteem, wandering eyes while we were together, inability to handle criticism because of his big ego, emotional unavailability, and lack of boundaries with his female friend, and unresolved feelings for his flatmate - I think while he was physically and romantically attracted to me, he couldn’t let go of his emotional bond with his female friend and enjoyed the challenge of his crush. He was so immature that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. All of these show that this man could be a mess and is hard to rely on.

I understand that a good relationship partner depends on a man’s qualities as a human being and it has nothing to do with his sexuality.

 

There's another way to look at things. Both partys to a relationship need friends of both sexes outside of that relationship. If one partner suppresses that part of the others life, the relationship isn't healthy. One partner cannot be the only person in the others life.

There's nothing compulsory in a relationship, which means one party's desire to have something or to do something isn't wrong, imv.

However if the other party isn't accepting of that desire or need, the other is more likely to do it secretly or; if to sustain the relationship, in compliance with the other, that party doesn't do those things, there may become a build-up of resentment in the one being 'restricted'. That's unhealthy, imv, and may lead to breakup later on.

On the subject of relationships with others of the opposite sex; having such friendships is a fundamental necessity in life. How else is one to deal with issues arising in their relationship, if they haven't friends of the opposite who they can have as sounding boards?!

No one person can be the only one in the other's life. It's unusual for one person to be able to give everything their partner needs in the bedroom, even if both were absolutely straight.

I asked about that guys culture, though in a specific context of oppression/suppression towards LGBT+, in his own country's culture.
However here's another comment.

The French culture has some interesting stuff. Perhaps, the aspect ill mention is more of a Parisienne thing, I'm not sure.

It is common for a husband and wife each to have a friend outside the relationship. A marriage - a partnership - to do the family thing and to raise children and, also, another friend outside the marriage, for matters arising in the bedroom department. The 'outside' relationships are 'known' about, by the other but never spoken of. Even if there isn't another party outside the relationship it's accepted, in one way or another, that there will be one someday. The gender of that third party is of no concern to the other party to the relationship.
To clarify; if a wife has an other significant person outside the marriage, it's of no concern of the husband, who or what gender that other person is.

I wonder if your questioning of him - bridging the gap - between you, as his SO, and a 3rd party was contrary to his upbringing and therefore not easy to explain, given its a "not talked about" matter.

Also, for one party to a relationship to have rigid boundaries as to what their SO must be, who they must be and how they should run their life can, itself, be suppressive.

People choose relationships. They can choose to leave it. They shouldn't be re-shaped by the other, to mould them into something the other wants or expects.

Each of those points cut both ways and apply equally to both in the relationship.

Hth

 

Being openly honest for a man about his sexuality when asked by a woman can cause him to become very nervous about being totally honest. I know if my first wife had ever asked me if I've ever had sex with a man, I would have flat out denied it knowing she would have most likely said something "Great, I'm married to a fag" and would most likely want a divorce while she'd tell everyone we knew that I was a "fag" and divorcing me. My desires to suck dick on occasion with other sexually frustrated married men had to stay in the closet with her. Luckily for me she never questioned my sexuality, so I wasn't forced to lie to her about it.

Now, with my present wife something different took place. Having dated for several months she was giving me oral as I was respectfully asking her to do certain things with her mouth, lips, tongue, and hands while providing me oral sex. Afterwards as we were lying next to each other in bed she asked, "How do you know so much about sucking dick?" I responded with "I've sucked a few dicks in my time and know what feels good". Now, remember we were only months into a relationship when she asked me this so if it ended our relationship at least neither of us would have had a lot of time invested had she ended it right then and there. On the contrary, she found it interesting and also a bit sexy dating a man that enjoys sucking dick as much as she does. She wanted to hear a lot that evening as I opened my vault to her as she closed the conversation saying, well, it took a lot for you to be honest with me and I'm glad you have been. I've heard that many men in their 50's enjoy sharing oral sex with other guys but if you wish to continue our relationship, I ask that you only do so with me present. I was shocked, but also excited as I agreed. Our relationship is approaching 12 years now, 10 years of marriage and we've both had a fantastic sexual relationship that involved other men and woman over the years.

I just wanted to share my personal experience with everyone.

 

Thanks for the clarification. A lot of straight women do not like bisexual men because... they're not supposed to and they have their own idea of what a man is supposed to do and be and any guy who doesn't fit their view of things, usually and generally, won't stand a chance with her once her suspicions are aroused in any way and about anything. Historically, one is guilty before proven innocent - and good luck being able to prove your innocence to a woman who has already made up her mind about you and especially about your sexuality. Having said that, there's a reason why bi guys do not tell women that they are bi... because they do not react well to hearing it and they fret over the same stuff you mentioned which, as a bi guy, tells me that you - and like other women - really don't understand what we may or may not do, which is why I suggested that you not - and never - assume anything and if his deception and other behavior is related to his sexuality - and it could be or it could be something else - then talking about it is the thing to do rather than to pass summary judgement on him. One's bisexuality does not always lead to cheating; I know too many bisexuals who have never cheated on their partner but almost everyone believes that bisexuals are serial cheaters... and without understanding why a bisexual might cheat

And just so you know, bisexual women have similar problems with men who have their own idea about what a woman is supposed to be, and she should never want anything or anyone other than him and whatever he might choose to decide. So, if he's throwing red flags all over the place, well, it sucks to be him. You judge him based upon that which you can prove and never on what you suspect could be behind his red flag behaviors. The other problem is what we're taught about relationships and what we believe and that includes one should only have feelings for one person... but humans really don't work like that and coming up against this can cause a conflict that can manifest itself as some of the red flag things you're seeing in him. Sure, he could be open and honest about it but, tell me - where would that get him? Would you understand it or would you be hurt and angry because he told you a truth that you asked for?

A good relationship depends on the qualities both people can bring to the relationship but with the understanding that both people are... human. So, I'm thinking that someone in this situation has a decision to make: Do they dump the guy because of the red flags or are they willing to do some digging to find out what the hell is going on with him that's making him behave this way - and then, together, figure out how to deal with being human so that your relationship can keep going? I would say that in this situation, 9 out of 10 women would dump the guy just on GP and nothing he's going to say to her is ever going to make a difference.

My next question is that if this guy is now your ex, why does this matter to you?

 

I know I should not care anymore, given that he is an "ex" now. However, when we devote our whole trust and heart to someone in a relationship, realizing we may have been seriously misled or lied to is shocking and heartbreaking. I just wanted to know the truth.

I understand it’s difficult for strangers online to provide me with answers, but I had limited knowledge about LGBT+ and bisexual psychology, so I tried to seek insights from those who know more than me. It’s much better than continuing to feel confused and left in the dark. I didn’t even know what "queer" meant when he told me he would describe himself, while we were together. It was only after our breakup that I understood it refers to people who are not straight.

Even two weeks ago, he still said that calling himself queer only meant he had an open-minded mentality and rejected stereotypes, and it didn’t mean he was not straight. I’m not sure if he still thought I was as ignorant as before or if he truly believed what he said.

Regarding what straight women should accept and do, and how men should behave, there is no definitive answer, and we should respect each side's perspectives. I don’t mind whatever others choose to believe and act, but I know what I like and dislike in a relationship, and I have to stay true to myself. It’s as simple as this: many people enjoy ice cream as dessert after dinner, but I dislike it. However, I have no problem with others enjoying it. I hope that makes sense, and no offense is intended.

 

Thank you for educating me about the "Parisienne thing." This doesn't align with my values. Loyalty and full commitment are non-negotiable requirements for me in a relationship. In this sense, there is nothing inherently wrong with him or me; we are simply not right for each other and incompatible on a deeper level. We hold different values and perspectives on relationships due to our different cultures and upbringings, and it is difficult for us to change our fundamental beliefs. There are many women out there who have no issue dating bisexual men, or they have different standards about lies or emotional betrayals; they could be perfect matches.

I didn’t care who he spent time with and always encouraged him to make more friends, except for this dramatic female friend who always sought his attention and validation while he was single. After we started dating, she continued trying to exert power over him and repeatedly tested his boundaries, even knowing it hurt me. In the end, after causing several arguments between us, she once again tested his reaction to her. His inability to set boundaries with her and his repeated dismissal of my feelings was the final straw. That said, this incident was only the trigger for our relationship falling apart; the real reasons were other underlying issues, including his dishonesty, my confusion about his sexuality, and my concern about his loyalty for a long term.

 

Im pleased that you seem more able now to compartmentalise it. I hope that will help you move on, putting it down to cultural differences rather than 'all men'. I say that last bit only to try to reduce 'baggage' that you may bring to a future relationship, which could strain it unnecessarily.

Try also to look at it from his perspective. He was friends with that girl first and for a long time? Was she perhaps protective of him and also of her friendship with him? I mean, she may have seen that his friendship with her (even just platonic) would end because you wouldn't be happy with it. It seems likely, from previous posts that that would be so.

I suggest it's not healthy to expect guys to drop friends just so their GF is happy. I've seen it happen before in (let's say) easy-going guys and he loses touch with all his former friends only later to need them again when he gets out of that relationship.

I suggest that every life experience provides an opportunity to learn. Take this one. Reflect on it, question his actions but, also, question yourself.

If (and it's a big 'if' because I'm not suggesting this next bit applies to you) however IF you want your life partner to be wrapped up in the relationship so much that he almost needs permission to see other people and, even then, only guys and if his independence must be discarded, you may have difficulty in finding a guy that you will have a long relationship with.

No judgement from me - this is a forum with lots of details being left out - so that's why I suggest you question yourself. I don't think its possible in a forum to address and consider all that is required but *you* could. And nobody need know what your own conclusion is.

Pleased that you seem to be moving on. Dwelling on the past isn't healthy for anyone.

 

How can I PM you? Can we continue chatting privately?

 

I almost hate to tell you but anyone who calls themselves queer usually isn't all that straight and as you discovered. I've learned that at the end of any day, we all have to be and remain true to ourselves even if that truth isn't all that acceptable to others.

 

Thanks for letting me know. It is painful to realize that all my sincere begging for honesty was dismissed and he lied to me about this again and again in this relationship.

In the early stage of this relationship, when I asked him about his previous romantic experience, he gave me a false relationship history with made-up stories of his "six" ex-girlfriends.

Later, after many arguments and tears from my side—because my gut told me his story didn’t add up—he confessed that I was his first girlfriend and that he was a virgin before meeting me. I forgave him, trusted him on this, and showed him a lot of support and empathy.

Now I’m not sure if it was 100% true and have started questioning whether he was only a virgin with women but not with men.

 

Can I have his phone number? This is a bad place to visit to confirm your disgust with a bi-guy.

 

I just openly shared my experience and confusion in a forum where people are open-minded and respect free discussion. Understand that my comments about Bi may have triggered you.

 

Apologies @Ishebisexual. I've only just seen your suggestion about PMing me. Yes, of course, feel free.

 

I am quite late to this thread and haven’t read what I suspect are good, thoughtful reactions from others. But if it hasn’t been said, there is nothing about the “special MM sexual experience” to make a man unfaithful in a MF relationship. Sex itself in all of its forms can and should be fantastic, and just because I’ve had fantastic sex with other women (or men) doesn’t make me unfaithful. Not being able to control a compulsion to be with other people causes me to be unfaithful.