Hi chat! I had some experiences with mm back in 2022 that I still struggle with understanding. In a nut shell I was going through some things and I used drugs when I was a teen but stopped and only smoked weed. I was and am an adult now so was looking for something harder but drugs. As a teen I had already left normal drugs alone and found an interest in psychedelics or enthogens as I started to learn them by. I was active on erowid, ifykyk. So that’s what I did, I found some mm in Los Angeles and over 2 months span I nearly used them ever other day. I have an appreciation for mm now that has been cultivating for years before actual use after learning about shamanism over the years. Once I experienced my own shamanistic breakthrough in our modern society and with so much responsibility and also my own personal religious views, I struggle to come to terms with I take away from the experiences. Would like to connect with others.
I am not sure I understand how old you ultimately were when this experience happened? Not sure if this is anything, it is just a personal experience and observation, but for what it is worth it seems to me that people that are younger or that otherwise have not “ego settled” in the first place, tend to have integration issues after psy experience more often. A bit like that Dune idea about awakening “other memory” in utero, before the personality forms. But again, just anecdotal, might or might not be onto something :dunno:
I am 34 now. I was 32 at the time. I mentioned that I used substances as a teen so when I was 15-18 but had long stopped that. The mm was a recent experience. Thank you for your reply, hope this is helpful.
Anything experienced while on strongly psychoactive drugs cannot be trusted as genuinely informational. The mind may be creating its own illusions in those circumstances.
Only once in my 75 years did I try some substance, don't ask me what it was, at a college friends birthday party. After a while, I told him that I was not interested in talking to him any more because I had made a new friend. My new friend was the kitchen door. We did not fall out, in fact I was chatting to him earlier today after 57 years.
Pardon my ignorance, but wtf is mm? Did you take the blue pill or the red pill? Your perception of reality depends upon it.
Fun Fact. If you buy a box of Smarties, you may be shocked by the number of 'E' numbers. In fact they our the colorants, so you will only get about half of them dependant on where you live. To the best of my knowledge, the only country to get green Smarties is Ireland.
Yes, ego death is a strong experience that takes time to integrate. Yet the benefits are instant. The way you relate to the world has changed. There's no going back to the way you were. Like similar traumatic experiences it alters your perception (thanks Aldous!). And once so altered, you may not need to do it again, unless you feel you missed something or feel you haven't integrated it yet and need another go. I know so many who did psychedelics in the 60s-70s, like myself, who no longer feel it's necessary. Then again there are those who never stopped, but I don't think many of those folks are still around (like Leary). I like the micro dose idea, for more casual inspiration, but for the ego death you need much more.
What are your religious views? Are they holding you back from fully acknowledging what you experienced? BTW, I read that using LSD CAN change your DNA and alter the way your brain works! Probably in a good way. So the warnings were right, yet wrong to paint it so negatively.
I hope not to long of a reply but I will elaborate some. I was buying 3.5 grams either dried Or chocolate bars. Most of the times I ate them all but sometimes I ate only half. I have been exposed to esoteric and occult knowledge now for a long time. It always seemed like something I just studied but never really experienced. When I took the shrooms I was able to break through on a lot of things that I think very deeply on and it seemed to come alive. In fact I’ve noticed the information I search online now it’s like we are on the brink of aliens coming now and I swear there was a big shift in this perception after I took them. I remember even calling my friend and telling him, I said hey basically I know I talk to you about a lot of weird stuff well now watch all that weird stuff I told you about your getting ready to see. Because I knew in my internal self that what was inside of me was coming out. Now speaking on the ego death part. I was and am a very ego driven person. Even after my so called ego death I still have a ego. It seems after not using now over the last two years I’ve some where repaired my ego, all though it’s not the same any longer and also my mind hasn’t left shroom world any ways. I don’t know if I will ever leave now because maybe I traveled too deep in. I like to rap, that space is very ego driven. I don’t pursue it and really letting people hear me because of my ego death. Before taking shrooms I used to feel very vocal about wanting to be heard and would do so. I wanted everyone to hear my points. I also ran a hvac company that I was very proud of funding that blew up and profited a lot of money very fast. In the grand scheme of things not that much money but for me it was. I started from nothing moving from North Carolina to Los Angeles. I was very proud of what I did and what seemed to work in my favor. I felt that way. I picked up trading along the way. I become profitable with my own strategies. This is 100% no a sales pitch. I am just explaining things. This again spiked my ego. Even my new girlfriend entering into basically a submissive relationship with me and her responding to me as a sub after a tough marriage. My lifestyle made me the ego driven person I had became. Over time it all hit the fans. I was separated from my now x wife and 5 kids in 2019. My business feel apart because of my own internal issues. I started not wanting to work and messing up the money. I began to focus on day trading which in the beginning was nothing but me gambling as I knew nothing about the markets. Going to strip clubs, pursuing my rap music. Basically telling my story of how much money I made after coming from the bottom. Deep on the inside I was battling demons. My mother died when I was 24 after struggling after open heart surgery when I was 15. My father sa me when I was 3 years old. I have and always feel a depression over it. I felt like it got in the way of my marriage because I took a real man’s job on to be a husband and I was blessed with 5 kids and was ill prepared for the journey. After finding some trading profits I decided it was time to exit my business and pursue day trading full time. I moved out of my house even so I could “travel” as soon as I went full time, I faced failure like I had never experienced. I had always worked hard in my hvac career since 19 and extremely hard in my business. Once I exit I found my self struggling to trade profitability, I had no job income and no business income. I was miserable and falling apart. After a few months of this I picked up a sales job in my career and really started to understand what I did wrong in business. I accepted my faults. I realized I over paid my self. I treated my business like an atm. Then me and that company had different ideas and we went separate ways. I worked for another company. I ended up finding profitability again trading and quit the job. I ended up making a lot of money. I was feeling confident again. I went into a crystal shop because I wanted to find balance. I got a bracelet and very soon after I found the shrooms. I took them 3 or 5 times before I had the fall on my face experience that led to what I am calling ego death. It was like on the shrooms it was time to face really and truely, who am I. Returning to that question I asked my self crying in the car years ago feeling loony, I know I am Joshua young but who am I outside of that name? I dealt with my divorce, my failed marriage, the insecurities I had being a father, the pressure I feel society puts on us as humans basically making us criminals because the mind is so corrupt in every thought, recognizing that I had been through pain and I had a right to be a live. When I had my ego death experience. I had pulled over from driving because I had the complete feeling if I kept driving I was going to crash. I was on basically wtf is a car mode. So I did. Soon after I was peeing on my self. Chest pounding, feeling burning all over. I felt scared and said to my self I don’t want to burn in hell. This is where my religious beliefs come in to play. At that time and still now I struggle a lot on what I believe about the Bible, god and Jesus Christ. I was so hot and that’s what I said to my self I don’t want to burn in hell. I thought I was drying and I was sure I needed to call for help. But I began to be worried because I am a father. What if I get arrested. And I felt so out of mind I didn’t feel they would know what to do with me. I felt they would take me away. This was my 3rd or 5th time taking them and I was convinced they would question me on where I was getting them from because since I had been using them I started to really become in understanding how powerful these things were in ritual use. I knew I was tapping in because of my already experienced mind with various religious lore and occult knowledge that basically in my mind the shrooms were the missing link. I just felt like the government doesn’t want us using them and I knew at that time In my mind why. So I started to basically accept that I was going to die, what ever that meant. I was trying to tell my self it would be ok but then I started to think well we don’t know when we will die. So maybe this my time and what I was experiencing was my death. So I felt I just had to accept it. That’s when I realized that my x wife is actually a great mom and if I was gone that my kids would be fine with out me. This was me dealing with my separation anxiety under the influence so seriously. I started to understand that I brought kids into this world which created now suffering for me because of my attachment to them. I basically went back into studying this but it’s very Buddhist like in thought. I was so sure I was going to die that I began to think about death in ways I had never thought of it. And then it clicked that I was experiencing a moment of being or feeling extra humanly. The god mind. Not that I was god because I felt terrified of being all knowing. Recognizing I didn’t to be dead yet as I have kids. I started to realize what what I had been thinking was true. What If I am god and I’m telling my self I am a human every day to be here and learn? I started to realize that calling for help would do nothing for me. Because there was no such thing as help in eternity. Just experience. What help can you get really as an eternal being that wouldn’t be found from with in? I remember as this time I smoked weed lol and I tried to roll a blunt that I call to this day magical because I was so messed up I swear it rolled its self. I started to smoke and started to trip hard. I went out my mind into a world of geometrical shapes. I freaked out really bad. I thought it was over for me. I was beyond the mental state of feeling the shrooms I was now just lost in another realm. I thought I would be trapped there. I started to beg and plead to go to return me back. I wanted to go back to the realm I experience with my family and friends. I said to my self basically now I understand why the Muslims pray so hard through out the day. What if the “most high” is real and is controlling our perception that our brains are like interfacing us with the reality we see and at any moment like a switch even with out the substances we can be taken out of this realm. I said to my self well if I can go out of this realm then god please I will tell every one about Jesus. I was instantly taken back to my car and then immediately I seen inside the pyramids, under the ocean and into space in my mind or idk. I was begging for it stop. I remember saying to my self I am done with all the magic tricks. I told my self I don’t want to experience anything but my family. after all that I started to sober up a little. My experience didn’t stop being unique though. Something extremely odd. Since earlier I was paranoid about the cops, I got out my car after I calmed down some. I had a blunt in my mouth smoking. I swear when I parked earlier no way I parked directly in front of a police car. so I assume the officer stopped behind me while I was parked. I don’t know if he was in the car. But I walked right beside the car blunt in mouth and walked right past. I was so sure I was going to be questioned because I was acting really weird when I got out the car. But nothing happened and I was at the beach and I walked to the coast (Malibu, pch) Now because I struggle with my religious views and accepting Jesus fully and if there is even a god, I basically put my self under about 20 more times after this because I needed to understand why I tripped out so hard. Thing is I never came back the same for real and not at all. I don’t know who talk to either because shrooms and getting fucked is what time so many people are on and if not then there is hippy culture. I don’t know where I fit in. I’ve spent my time growing up attempting to be productive. I don’t want to be fucked up and my mind struggles to let go and accept being a hippy. I’m just in between. Balanced.
What's inside of one comes out. Sometimes it's best to leave what's inside right where it is. Problem is--one does not know until it may be too late. I've seen the results of not leaving well enough alone. "you pays your money and you takes your chances."
I don't think I have any way to identify with what gets passed around as ego death because I was not really exposed to gurus and I knew and didn't believe in the ones I was exposed to and to me ego death is a term that was admitted by the most egotistical or ego needy people of all. A big self gratifying delusion that you are somehow different is all I could see. But...I was "handsome" before I took mushrooms and in 1977 they were not bigger than us, they were just fun and inspired in many a reverence for things. They wore off in my day. I never knew mushrooms did anything but reveal ego (I mean your self) through amplification and that often profoundly. We never believed "like religion" in our society, we did it because how nice it made everything for most everybody. We believed in egomet (our self) and God or maybe the "living divinity in creation" is a better say. All the ego death stuff I ever heard was much later and part the big "jelly brained saints and phony gurus" thing that really seemed odious and more about you believing in somebody elses trip and we were smarter and too ego-tisticle to buy into any hare krishna from buddha or anybody. We laughed about that stuff then. Hippies were only anti war, they weren't happy little pacifist chipmunks like the rainbow family stuff, that all came later after life wasnt as much fun anymore. The most charitable thing I can arrive at for a possible definition of "ego death" is when your awareness exceeds yourself and your immediate surroundings or when you feel there is nothing but your thought and these profound seeming things impact people and some go "Hm?" and some "God is true" and some have completely talk-aboutable brown sugar answers in well behaved buddhist or other cults. Except of course natives, who's supposed "ego death" inspired them to go through captive flesh and blood like an industry and was the basis of their magic. I also considered that besides scare people, mushrooms make some of them aroused and this lends to the "come together as I channel peace" stuff and the "Oh I am like totally nothing; which is why you should buy my book" I ate mushrooms on the grass, with the god of the wild and fertile lands. The stuff we do is not really emotional or to create in you a gratifying psychological state, we rather experiment around with it and enjoy it indian style, though chopping up a prisoner has never tripped our trigger. I mean all that psychology stuff was the same thing that Maps preached for 40 years and they were nothing but a financial scam that when they finally got their chance, couldn't even perform a simple honest study and turn it in and then they even claim "well, even though it's fkd up, you should take it anyway because it's so important" and set all that back to square one. MAPS couldn't even control their selves and made a mockery of everybody, were having parties and tripping with the money and having sex with patients (killing a couple) and acting like perfect hippies that really didnt respect anything. Doblin the goblin left proclaiming he would achieve world peace by whacking everybody out on hallucinogenic amphetamine. other more honest and responsible people have totally had to take over all that research and people were so fed up with waiting they started going ahead anyway and keeping notes. Sorry, I was just trying to say all the books and gurus pretty much turned out to be good putz magnets. Nobody can really tell you much truth about the mushrooms because that's between you and Heaven. I just deny that their purpose is some kind of self Oblivion permanent happiness delusion. They wear off. (Thank God!) What most people need to hear is "before mushrooms, work, learn, play, thrive. after mushrooms, work, learn, play, thrive (not quit your job and spend what money you have left on bagwhan rajneesh books) I'm also very leery of the psychological manipulation of people with mushrooms. not only do I question the validity, but I also questioned the validity of the therapists. Maybe the only way for a man to find happiness is to take hallucinogenic drugs in a large group, but in so far as anybody trying to "relate" or get me to remember negative things or mess in my head, it offends and creeps me out and I think "Away vampire away! I am not for your needs!" You and heaven/earth are all you need to be messing with on them powerful mushrooms. it'll take care of the rest and so will your own healthy, functioning psychological features. just wait two weeks before you read any "come stain with me" philosophy stuff and see if it still looks the same or more interesting than you. Best wishes
