Your daily joke thread!

The greatest crossword puzzler in the world world died today. Tomorrow they'll be burying him eight feet down and three feet across!

 

You know there was this priest at my grade school. And he was creepy. He preferred the company of children. My mother and aunt told me to stay away from him even. No reason in particular why they thought that, they told me. I was only briefly alone with him once when he instructed me on my first holy communion. But my mother said don't worry about it. And he told us kids that he liked the same TV shows we did, like "The Dukes of Hazzard" on CBS then, which I guess was all right. And he always told these creepy stories during mass. Like one time he told the story of a frog by a pond. He left a gold orb there for a little girl, and then walked away. And then when he came back to give her more gifts, the girl was gone. And frog cried. Because he had so many more gifts to give that girl. But she got greedy, and so she got none. And then when he said that I heard a little girl in the audience gasp or shudder. I don't know what happened to him. I last saw him there in 1983.

But you know, if he ever moved up in the RC church, he might have risen above the status of a priest. And then if he still hung around children, he could show them all his bishopric. I'll bet he'd have a large bishopric too, where he would be assigned. A bishopric is just another name for a diocese or episcopate, you know. Or IOW the area presided over by a bishop. But it's still true though, you know.

 

You know, when I first heard the song "Telefone" by Scottish singer Sheena Easton in 1983, I was in high school. And I could have sworn at one point in the song she sings "intermission is a funny thing". And for years I couldn't figure out what she meant by that. Where I live, intermission is the break or pause in the movie when the movie theater tells you you can get your snack. (I don't know what they call it in other states.) I only found out years later she actually sings "premonition is a funny thing".

But you know, I eventually thought she was right. Intermission is a funny thing sometimes. That cartoon comes on the screen. And the little cartoon soda cups and french fries all start singing "♪ Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby ♪, ♪ Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks ♪" I think the light from the cartoon is supposed to light your way to the lobby to get the snack. (Why don't they just turn up the lights?) And then when you get there, their prices are so expensive. Because you're not allowed to bring you own snack to the theater.

So yes I thought at the time, she's right. Intermission is a funny thing.

 

You know someone recently told me they became a Christian so they could find Jesus. And I said that's very nice. He's buried in the Talpiot neighborhood of East Jerusalem, they found his bones in 1980. If you want to go there now, I told them, you'll have to book 3-5 weeks in advance. And Booking dot com and Expedia have discounts. But dress lightly. And taking home souvenirs is not allowed.

 

Was Rock Hudson gay? Was Liberace? Was Michael Jackson? They never said so. But like Joan Rivers said, that may be. But is the Pope Catholic (he never said he was either )?

 

This is more of a science question. But I might as well put it here for space purposes. There's an old scientific question, but it's really more of a thought experiment. And it's a question as I said. If it takes 2 days to boil an elephant, and 1 day to boil an ass. But that's just cutting them into three equal pieces. But the question is (and questions like these fall under the heading of the science of molecular gastronomy, BTW) if it takes 4 days to boil an elephant whole, how long does it take to boil an ass whole? Now, it seems like it would twice the amount of time. But like I said, it has to do with molecular gastronomy, not just simple math. Which is why that problem has always confused me.

 

You know, some people criticize other people's beliefs. And they tell them why they're wrong. And they try to convert them, but not to be mean. But if they cause emotional harm, it's not intended. They have no choice, they tell them. You know I knew a girl like that named Alice. And someone even wrote a limerick about her:

There was a young Lutheran named Alice
Who pissed into the Catholic chalice
"I do this," said she
"Of great need to pee
And not sectarian malice."

 

You know, a woman once told me she believed in a higher power. Because if there isn't one she said, we might as well all just slash our throats and die. And when I looked at her with surprise, she said, well that's the way I look at it.

But I felt like telling her that is really such a beautiful sentiment. Kind of like when Homer Simpson wanted to enter his daugher Lisa in a beauty contest. And he and Marge had this conversation:


"Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl."
"You're looking at her through a father's eyes!"
"Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would. But to me, she's beautiful."

And then Marge paused and got teary-eyed and said

"That is so sweet..."

 

I sometimes think about the gun control debate here in the US. But people point out that both sides, victim and shooter, can be equal with guns, because two humans can be armed in any conflict. For example, the robber and the person being robbed. But I feel like asking them. What about children? Well, actually upon reflection now, even a very small child could hold a derringer pistol. But not an infant, at least a very small one. Unless there was something motion or voice activated, for a small infant. And I know some conservatives believe in the rights of the unborn, from embryo on. Now there's no way that an embryo could hold a gun. And even by the end of the first trimester, a fetus is only the size of a grape. Even a gun that is motion or voice activated wouldn't work for an embryo "life". It just wouldn't know how to use it.

So you conservatives do see the problem here don't you?

 

Republicans have proposed a Ban on all Pre-Shredded Cheeses.
The want to "Make America Grate Again."

 

One Sunday morning Satan appeared in a small town Church. All the parishioners began screaming and running for the doors trying to get away from the Lord of all Evil. When the church had cleare, only on elderly man remained. sitting calmly in his pew.

Satan walked over to the old man and asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" and the old man replied, "Nope."
Satan said, "You know I can destroy you with a word, or make you suffer eternal torment?" to which the old man calmly replied, "Absolutely sure of it."
Frustrated, Satan Growled, "Then why aren't you afraid of me?!?"
The old man looked Satan square in the eyes and replied. "I've been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

People often ask who pays at the restaurant. The person who gets the menu with the prices pays. Or you can go Dutch treat, and everyone pays their own way. Or like in the movie Victor/Victoria (1982), you can claim there's a cockroach in your food. Bring one from home and put it in when they aren't looking, if they think it's a hoax. Or, like on The Golden Girls, you can say the wine was horrible. And, again when they aren't looking, pour a lot of salt in the wine, and tell you waiter to taste it if he doesn't believe you.

 

BTW, Ivanka Trump just asked on X.com name one thing smarter than Whoopi Goldberg. I replied not your father. Then, people smarter than your father would be Aaron Aaronson, Albert Aaronson, (X.com won't let me list the whole phone book here )...

 

A mentally ill person once told me, I don't have split personalities. And neither do I.

 

You know, a fundamentalist Christian on Facebook recently told me that adultery is very wrong and intrisically harmful. I told her, you say that adultery is always wrong and only leads to harm. But authors Alexander and Nicholas Humez point out in their 1978 book that In Britannia, Adulter Puellis Bonos Libros, Sed In Gallia Cancros. But, my view personally of adultery and chastity is unus bonus, alter malus, sed neuter triquetrus. So you should know there is more than one view of the topic, I told her.

 

I don't know how English is used in other countries. But we have this joking/ironic phrase in American English. Problem solved. They used it once on the Simpson's.

For example, I had a splinter in my toe. So I cut off my toe. Problem solved. Or, The neighbor's cat was meowing late at night so I shot it. Problem solved. Or, I had a headache so I chopped off my head. Problem solved.

Anyone anywhere else ever hear that joke?

 

By sheer happenstance, Trump and Obama end up at the same barbershop at the same time.
They don't speak to each other, and their barbers work in stony silence.
Trump's done first; after a shave, the barber offers him some aftershave.
"No; I don't want to go back to Melania smelling like a whorehouse."
Obama says, "I'll have some. Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

THE ARGUMENT: A Death Ray is NOT a weapon of Peace! There is no such thing as a "Peace-Loving" Death Ray!

COUNTER ARGUMENT:

 

Someone recently posted online,

Christmas Symbols.

Candy Cane: Represents the shepherd's crook. Christ is called the Good Shepherd.

Gifts: Symbolizes gold and frankincense.

Evergreen Tree: A symbol of eternal life. points to heaven and reminds us that God is eternal.

The Wreath: is a circle reminding us that God's love for us never ends.

The Candle: shines brightly, showing us that Jesus is the light of the world.

Amen If You Believe.

Me: Amen. But, Pagan phallic symbol, ancient Roman Saturnalia practice (along with feasting), pagan nature and rebirth symbol, ditto, symbolizes Sol Invictus, or the invincible Sun.

But yes, sounds like fun. What are you doing for Christmas this year?

 

YES, ANIMALS EAT OTHER ANIMALS

But they don't breed them, force impregnate them, milk them to death, confine them in cages, genetically manipulate them, or cook them to eat them.

@the.veganvibe

My answer: They would if they could. What's your point?