No romantic connection with first same sex partner

Hi,
I’m a 36 year old man and finally acknowledged my bisexuality earlier this year although I’m still not out to friends and family yet. I’ve only ever dated women but had gay fantasies since I was 15, but would always feel ashamed after masturbating and would try to repress it. I separated with my female partner of 11 years over the summer which prompted me to properly explore my sexuality. I am now seeing a guy for the first time in my life who I’ve known for a while through work.

It’s been a couple of months and the sex has been amazing so far. We’ve done all sorts of positions and I’ve settled into my role as bottom. I also find I’m thinking about/noticing women less which has surprised me.

The problem is that I am struggling to form any kind of romantic connection. I am quite a masculine guy (as is he) and we’d probably pass for straight friends if people saw us in public. I’ve always found romance easy with women even if the sex isn’t great, but I am really struggling with my new partner. I feel totally at ease when we’re both naked and I’ve got my legs wrapped around him, but once we’ve both came everything starts to feel a bit awkward! We don’t even really kiss other than when we’re shagging. I should say he’s bi too but more experienced than me.

I really fancy him and want a proper relationship but am worried it’ll just peter out as a fling. Has anyone been in this position or got any advice on what I should do?

Thanks!

 

With my one and only boyfriend, I felt the romantic connection to him right away and it shook me to my core because I believed that it was impossible for me to be romantic with another guy and, well, I was wrong. The sex was seriously amazing with him and it was clear that we loved each other but I know that I was waiting for the newness of our relationship to wear off but it never did.

I've thought that when it comes to having romantic feelings for other guys, we wall off our emotions and we truly believe that if we let those emotions out, that means we're gay and all that kind of bullshit. It's been my thought and believe that we have to find ways to open up our emotions and to not be afraid of them - and then be able to openly talk about what we're feeling to our partner. It could turn out to be just a fling but that's not a failure and you'd do well to learn from what you're experiencing so that you can also learn how to get in touch with your romantic feelings for guys and expressing them.

 

I can't tell you how much I agree with KDaddy, and thank you, @KDaddy23, so much for posting that response for our friend. I had all kinds of levels/stages of repressing the gay side of myself throughout my life, which I've written about a lot here. But the final stage is the romantic one. I did finally break through the emotional one, feeling very connected emotionally to all of the person in the man I was having sex with. But actually feeling romantic love for a guy I was actually having the good fortune of having sex with I've yet to experience. But I have developed romantic crushes on a couple different guys in the last couple of years, though unrequited. But, having experienced that, I am definitely finally ready to fall in love and make love with another man, like I have felt with the two girlfriends I've had in my life. I truly wish this for you.

Then again, there is such a thing as bisexual men being heteroromantic, their romantic love being exclusive to women. Such men could very much enjoy having sex with other men, even feeling emotional bonds with them. But they never fall in love with a guy. But it still is hard to say whether it's because the gay repression thing, repressing that last aspect of homosexuality, even though bisexual men can easily still fall in love with both men and women. They might still feel too scared about that, and don't let that last kind of connection with another man through.

The bottom line is, whether it's even for you or not, you have to tell yourself there's absolutely nothing wrong with falling in love with another man and experiencing and having everything with him as you've had with a woman and as countless heterosexual men and women have together. Men being with men is 100% natural, and actually quite beautiful. There's something about that shared experience about being men that makes it quite natural for us to come together in a full on romantic and sexual way. We are actually *way* more compatible.

 

Thanks for the supportive responses. I do think I’m probably expecting too much given what a big and fairly sudden change this has been in my life and how I see myself. I’ve been surprised by how natural the sex has felt and how much it has blown away anything I experienced with any female partners. I should probably just enjoy that for now and see how things progress.

I think I’m also struggling with how I feel about women now and still trying to figure this out. I’ve always been socialised to be straight and had a great relationship with a woman for over a decade. I don’t feel ready to completely discard that side of me and I can genuinely still appreciate an attractive woman. It’s just the thought of me personally being naked with one that I find less and less appealing. I certainly didn’t enjoy sex with my ex toward the end and had to think of a man in order to fuck her.

 

Enjoy what's going on and see how things progress - it's what I'd do. Telling you to not struggle about your feelings for women is one of those easier said than done things and it's gonna be up to you to sort it out but don't overthink it. You feel the way you do about them; you don't have to do anything other than to accept that this is how you feel - and it doesn't mean that you cannot appreciate women for their qualities... but not having sex with them. You're not the first guy I've ever heard of who had to think about men when trying to have sex with women so don't worry about that.

Do what you gotta do; feel how you're gonna feel. Be happy. Stay horny.

 

Thanks I’m just going to see how things play out. One thing I don’t have a problem with is staying horny! I actually feel like I’ve made a bit of progress on the romance front with my boyfriend tonight. We were just relaxing on the couch, I put my bare feet on his lap and he massaged them for a bit. Exactly the kind of thing I have been looking for and felt was missing. We also had our first argument as a couple earlier today which resulted in us both crying. We then had a kiss and a cuddle to to make up

 

i hope i can have a boyfriend like this someday

 

I had a lover who I had feelings for, but our relationship was just sex. Delicious, exciting, amazing sex. He couldn't blow me but accepted being a bottom and wanting me to fuck him so I could get off - and he said that was only fair. I knew it would end once he got a girlfriend and I was okay with it, but it was still a bit sad when it was over.

 

I haven’t had any romantic feelings about any of my same sex partners. Some have become very good friends and I hangout with them quite a lot but my romantic feelings have always been with women.

 

My introduction to gay sex came when I finally succumbed to the advances of a gay friend of mine that I had known for ten years. Since we were already close friends, our affection for each other became more intense as our relationship continued and included incredibly hot and passionate sex. I realized that I was deeply in love with him, and thought about the possibility of him being a "life partner" for me. This was back in the 1980's when things were not as gay friendly as they are now.

We slept together, held hands, kissed, hugged, and were open about our affection for each other when we were in the safe confines of the gay community. It was all natural for me since the relationship evolved from a friendship.

But I was also on the "marriage track" with my future wife, and given the state of society and the homophobic friends and family that I was surrounded by, that seemed like a better path forward.

I have come to know that many men separate affection from gay sex like sucking cock, etc. If they don't have any feelings for a man, then they can convince themselves that they aren't gay or bi.

I have had ONS's with both men and women. I have always felt the sex to be more enjoyable when there is a mental and romantic attachment involved.

It's entirely OK if your relationship is just a fling. I've had those with both sexes. Eventually you will find the right person for you.

 

But is it supposed to be about finding the right person? Does one have to find the right person for more than just sex... when it's just sex they're looking for? I've known too many guys who believe that feeling romantic toward a guy means that you're gay and as I've said in the past, I grew up with the "mistake" that having feelings for the guy you're having sex with means you're gonna be a faggot sissy boy... until I found out how horribly, terribly wrong this notion is because, again, I had a boyfriend that I loved dearly and it didn't change the fact that I'm bisexual. The question is if he hadn't been my boyfriend, would I have had sex with him? Yes. No reason not to and loving him was the cherry on top. The next guy I had sex with after my boyfriend had to leave only involved the feelings of lust and horniness and we had a great time together and I went away satisfied.

Hooking up with guys for the NSA thing is... convenience. The only feelings you need are lust and horniness. But there's nothing wrong with wanting some romance with your sex; I think, however, that it sends the wrong message to suggest that a bi guy can't find fulfillness in his bisexuality unless he's in a same-sex relationship and the one thing that, maybe ten years ago, a great many men and women said that they couldn't possibly be bisexual because they didn't want to be in a same-sex relationship or they couldn't be.

Personal preference or a strong push for a standard of bisexual behavior for all bisexuals? I hope it's not the latter because when it comes to these things, we're fucked up in the enough already without having to become even more fucked up about it. You still gotta do what you wanna do and the way you wanna be doing it.

 

I basically agree with what you have said here.

As far as the NSA thing is concerned, on my case I have found a LOT of older men that will let another man suck them off because their wife has lost interest in sex. Sometimes they will reciprocate unenthusiastically. I have served several men like that just because I truly enjoy the act of sucking another man's cock. Usually I'm not interested in reciprocation since my wife takes car of that and is probably better at it. But the bottom line is that they don't think they are engaging in gay sex since there are no feelings involved.

I've also been on the other side of that situation because I hooked up with a man that just wanted to suck cock, and I just felt like having that experience myself with a man.

But......... I consider myself to be bisexual, but when I get involved with a man and it is more that a ONS NSA encounter, I want the total gay experience. I want dinner dates, romance, hugging, kissing, passionate sex of all kinds and I want to wake up next to the man. If we are out and about and waitstaff or a bartender assumes we are a couple, I am fine with that. My main regret is that I wish that I had discovered my bisexuality at a younger age. My relationships with men have all been with them as a "side piece" to my straight life. I wish that at some point I had an exclusive committed relationship with a man. I have been with some men where I that felt that, in another time ........

 

And that's fine, spankable bob! Shit, life would be even better if you could get a romantic FWB who was also living with you! But if we're going to talk about no romantic connection with another dude, we have to talk about why this is preferred by a lot of men as well as hearing from the fellas who, as you said, want the total gay experience.

Older men - and especially those who have been married for a long time and sex is dead in their bedroom - will gratefully go with any guy that they've vetted getting them off. Younger unmarried guys - in or out of a relationship - usually don't want the hassles of a relationship but they might not object to, as I say, having "returning customers," guys they are relatively sure are clean, safe, and discrete and totally NSA or ix-nay on the romance stuff. Maybe that's too gay for them; maybe they just don't want to be bothered with a relationship or another relationship if they have a lady. If it's convenient, hassle and drama free, and you can get the sex you want from another guy, that just works. Hook up, do the deed, go on about the rest of the day that could include another convenient hookup.

As opposed to needing more than just the sex; an experience that has something nice going on outside the bedroom from camaraderie to lord knows I love you so much! Looking in his eyes and seeing more than pure lust in them. Nothing wrong about this but the "mistake" a lot of men make is thinking, hoping, maybe even assuming that a romantic connection is just going to fall into their laps - which is possible, but I wouldn't bet the farm on that one. Why? Because there are more men who are about NSA, drama-free sex than they are relationship sex and the stuff that goes along with a relationship. Again, younger and older men tend to bounce between these two things... but for as long as I've been around (and have been bisexual), guys have (1) avoided situations they deem to be too gay or (2) they want the full gay experience (and maybe consider being gay rather than bi or even straight) or (3) they'll take whatever happens to come their way as long as they can steadily get the sex they want and need.

I've probably had too much time to think about such things, but I've also spent a very large part of my life explaining male bisexuality to people who don't understand why we're bi or want to know why we're in denial of really being gay. Many of them, for some reason, believe that if you're a guy and you want to have sex with a guy, then that means you're not only gay but you have to be in love with the guy and like so much stuff you can hear today, is something I was hearing 60 years ago and when I found out that, hey, getting some dick and some pussy (and eating it) is damned good fun.

So, yeah, ideally, you meet "Tim" and the two of you really connect on many levels and have a nice, meaningful relationship. Some guys would like to meet a "Tim," take him home or to a motel, have their way with him - or Tim is having his way with them - and thanks, I needed that and maybe they might agree to hook up again some other time (or not). Maybe some folks see you and Tim holding hands or a little PDA happening, shake their head, and go on about minding their business or some guy sees the two of you, understands what he's seeing but, nah, he can't handle it and... it's a shame that Tim's hooked up with you because Tim looks like he's good in bed.

Both are the right way. If you expect that romantic connection and don't get it, that can be disappointing, but the truth is that not a lot of guys are interested in the romance. On the other side, there are guys looking for the NSA zero drama kind of thing and... all they are finding are guys who want to be romantic. Then, think about this: Women look for romance and find sex while men look for sex and find romance.

 

I was once at your stage …my deep desires and emotions kept inside. This really hurt my mental health earlier in this lifestyle when I started as bi..but wanted more than bi experience. I’m 33, wife got me hooked in our mid twenties and my inner bi slowly came out as i denied this as I was straight …past few year being bi, servicing wife lovers is i slowly discovered I wanted more the hooks up and dates ….I wanted a relationship …I got that with few amazing lovers ….I slowly learned to let go of my identity and enjoy the romance of mm love and I began to become more romantic with my steady relationship I’ve had.
Recently I got into relationship with this amazing hunk, he was in love with me and I didn’t want to get into permanent relationships..as I wanted open lifestyles..I communicated that with him and he accepted me…who I was, he shown more love and care for me the me, sometimes I feel guilty..,..since being relationship with him …as I don’t have any feminine characteristics…but I was become more intimate and romantic in many gay ways then you would think. This only solidified our gay relationship……let go and feel the love …best thing!!