I'm new here, and need some opinions. Please bare with me. Its kinda personal. I am 30yrs old, and have never had a boyfriend, never mind a relationship or sex. I never felt ready, or worthy, and thought I'd get my esteem issues dealt with first before dumping on someone else. Anyway, on the recommendation of a friend I called a chatline, and after a few days began talking to a guy. We talk most nights, and we both just clicked. A few days after we were talking, he asked if I wanted to have phone sex. I am under no illusions about our current relationship. Neither of us want to meet, and we keep our private lives mostly private. But because I am so dim in the sex department, I told him the truth. I have no experience, am still a virgin, and while I'd love to, I really don't know what to do. He was wonderful. Kind, reassuring, and gave me time and help, and well...by the end I was floating on a cloud of bliss. Not once did he say or 'do' anything I wasn't happy with, and at all times, when I said no, he stopped, and told the story differently. The problem of my inexperince, became very apparrant very quickly. Soon after we began the story, he asked me to tell him what I'd do with my hands. I managed to unbutton his shirt, and run my hands down his chest, but then I got stuck. It was like a video on pause. I felt awkward and helpless. He took over, reassuring me it was ok. In the end, it got so bad he said he took his belt and wrapped it round my wrists and stretched my arms about my head. Well, in my mind he'd tied me up. It was fantastic. Suddenly there was no more 'awkward fumbling', and he just told the story alone - I didn't know what to say anyway. Afterwards, we in 'post coital bliss' chatted. I thanked him for tying my arms up. He was really alarmed that I'd thought he had. He said he wanted me to know that at all times there was an 'escape route'. There was too. His tale was so very detailed, and he gave me choices. It was exhilarating. We engage in this phone sex / story telling bliss every few days. He always asks me first and is always very considerate. Then a month and a bit later disaster. He asked me if I wanted to be mess submissive. I don't know what it was, but I started crying. I sobbed my heart out and he refused to let me go, making all the right comforting noises. You see, I have never been assertive or dominant and while I would like to be, firstly I have had it drummed into me through the years that I should put others before myself, and to be honest - I have simply have no idea how to be. I am considered, on the whole, as 'nice' and 'peace-loving' by all around. I so long have stepped aside, that I genuinely have no authority over anything. Let alone any ideas on sex - real or imagined ! Last night he said that he feels like he's doing all the work. It wasn't an accusation or dig, but he wants me to 'have a go'. I told him I still have no idea, but none-the-less I tried and while it was interesting, half the time I lay there, frustrated that I couldn't picture what the heck to do...lots of silences ensued. He loves detail and description of things, lingerie, long, slow and gentle sex. To be honest, by the time I have decribed stripping him, I am ready to 'jump' the poor guy, but he tells me to slow down, take my time, and I'm doing well, etc. When anything physical is described, it is clear I am merely relaying stuff I've read and things friends have told me, and it ends up being quite clinical. I really want to give him some of the magic he gives me. I simply don't know how - its like a grey void in my mind. Inspite of all my fumblings, as we chatted afterwards, he told me that was about as assertive as I'd ever been with him, and bless him, he said he really enjoyed it - even though he had to pitch in here and there. Weird stuff : In my fantasies, I never really see a full man, more a floating torso, for want or a better description. That in itself is odd, because I have qualifications in human anatomy and took part in many postmortems. So it's not like I don't know what everything looks like. I just don't know what to do. Its very difficult too as he is very quiet on the phone and I never know if he gets half the physical stuff out of it that I do, and when I ask him, he brushes over and avoids the question, reasurring me that I am wonderful for him, and really sexy and he loves hearing me enjoy the fun. Is this only ever going to be effective if I go and have real sex ? I really am not ready for that yet, even at 30yrs old. Therefore am I a lost cause ? Is there an insiders secret to good phone sex, that only the real life experienced people know about ? Is there any advice you can give ? Or better yet, a website with scripts....yes folks, I am that desperate ! I really need suggestions, and opinions. I so desperately want to spice things up for him on the phone. I don't think he'll disappear just yet because of this. He says he loves our time together, and if he does then of course I'll miss him heaps, but I'll be forever greatful that he has shown me a whole new side to myself, that I am a woman - not a girl, and I can feel so sexy. I just feel so inadequate and want to fill in this little empty gap in my life, and know how to be better at this. All suggestions really, really, really gratefully recieved ! Many thanks for your time ! Sorry for the long post - I'll keep it shorter next time.
WOW! What a story! Truthfully I think it takes real life experience in this siuation. Because the reason you can't come up with new and different things to tell him is because you have never actually experienced it yourself. It's like getting a job, if you have no experience then the job is really really hard to learn compared to if you had experience first......make sense? I don't really know what to tell you......but I think experience helps. Good luck!
I lost my virginity to my husband when I was 18 years old, and I had absolutely NO experience with ANYTHING but some kissing. I was completely backward, I had some issues due to the way I was raised, so I had a very difficult time in the early phases. Luckily, my husband was extremely patient, and never once made me feel "inadequate". Sure, at times I know that it was frustrating because I was terrified of letting my guard down, and I had many inhibitions in the beginning. It took quite some time before I could really open up and enjoy myself without guilt or being self conscious, but, as the old saying goes, "good things come to those who wait". Now, I think I tend to be even more open and more expressive than my husband, if you can believe that. I think at times I amaze him at how far I've come since the beginning of our sexual relationship. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, this guy you're talking to needs to have a little more patience with you. You have no sexual experience, so it's going to more work for him in the beginning because you're just starting to get aquainted with your sexual self, just starting to learn what makes you "tick". He can't expect for you to turn into a pro over night. Just as if the two of you were in an actual face-to-face sexual situation, he would have to be more forgiving, more patient, while you "learn the ropes" so-to-speak. Patience really is the key. You have been a virgin for 30 years, which is awesome by the way, so cut yourself some slack! You can't expect to turn into a wildcat right away. You need time to learn more about yourself, your likes, and dislikes. It will happen, and it will become a natural part of who you are. Hugs...
Probably the easiest way to learn without actually doing is to read those romance novels that have all the steamy sex in them or to watch some stripping videos that you can download from the internet. Some softcore porn after that for more "delicious" details. See if that helps. -Litos
cybersex, erotica and phonesex are good and all, but they dont' teach you the actual execution of the moves they describe. I used to participiate in cybersex a lot, and I'd describe these amazing bj's.... but when I actually had my first penis in front of me I froze, was awkward and uncoordinated. like hippychickmommy said, having a patient and understanding partner is reeeeeally important. Go slow, take your time, make sure nothing happens that you aren't comfortable with. If you do involve bondage (wrists tied up) with your first experience, I would ask that your partner ties them loosely, so you can wiggle out if you need to and not just rely on a safety word to get him to stop.
Thank you so much for all your replies. It was hard enough to admit to this situation on the internet, but I'm so chuffed that you all don't appear to think I'm odd...at least, not admitting it on here I really appreciate all your supportive words. It's been a constant revelation with this guy since December, and he has been very understanding and encouraging. He says he has noticed a change in me anyway, and while he says I can be quite cheeky now when I relax a bit, I'm still quite 'shy' about it all. He never pushes anything - I've been very lucky, but its just my own desire to please him as he does me, that makes me so frustrated. I guess it is down to real experience then. Well, I'm not about to go out to make love to someone for a phone guy - no matter how much fun he gives me, but I think I will follow PheonixCocker's advice and read those Romance novels. I must admit that the stuff I've read are things like the Kharma Sutra and sex tips books, but it didn't occur to me about the romance novels....brain clearly not functioning - doh !!! Thanks PheonixCocker !!! Ihmurria - I knew what you meant. Thank you. Dmgreen - The job description thing makes perfect sense. Hippchickmommy - Thank you so much for your kind words. Maybe I'm need to be more patient with myself too. I still wish there was some website somewhere with serious scripts for phone sex *sigh* perhaps one day Why does this learning suff always take so long...grrrrrr !!! Thanks again everyone.
cybersex is only an illusion...it's only in your mind.... however you can get just as hurt my suggestion...don't do it, find a nice local guy and get to know him....cyber will end up where it started.... no place
wow i think you should do whatevers possible to get out and meet guys join a spftball or volleyball league or even maybe like a painting class or the gym if youre uncomftrable in bars but i think that even if you dont meet the guy right now you need some practice-dont sleep with them just date them.
don't sweat it too much. i don't like phone sex at all because i can't get past he fact that i'm saying this stuff to a piece of plastic, so at least you can get into it...thats a start. the more you practice the easier it will be i agree to that maybe you should start dating. no one is ever so confident that its ok to date withought bringing along baggage. and again, the more you date the more you learn to seperate the baggage form the relationship...i think anyways
Jinny, your story is very touching in a way. Your innocence, and openness about your innocence, is endearing. IF you plan to do honest delving into bondage lovemaking, you really should get educated about it. While doing so may remove some of the mystique and make it more "clinical," it could also save your life. I recommend Jay Wiseman's "Erotic Bondage Handbook." If you have to order it on the internet to obtain it, do so. Read it through. Then you'll be ready for what comes next. It offers SAFETY advice, above and beyond just how to tie people up! http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1890159131/103-1725288-7743016 That's how to find it at Amazon.com. REALLY. Go get it. -Jeffrey
I read your post and thought I would share my story. I was a virgin until the age of 27(I am 29 now). I am male and somehow this is, I feel a bit on the rare side compared to if i was female and a virgin. I am a introverted person and the women I had dated up to that point never became serious enough and I had the feeling I would wait for marriage. Online with friends one day in a voice chat program I met someone that i was instantly connected with. Her voice got my attention and I later found out she had the same attraction for me from the start. For the next 2 months we imed regularly and decided by chance to meet each other. We lived some distance apart so we spent about about 5 hours together and it went very well. The next time we imed I let her know that I was a virgin and she was amazed. She had been with a number of guys and she did not mind at all talking about sex, her views and experiences and I had a lot of questions. A couple of weeks later while talking on the phone we had phone sex without really planning it. Like you did not know exactly what to imagine as I had not experienced it (masturbation yes ... sex no) before. I found it the most amazing thing to share something so personal together. Hearing her reach climax was nothing short of amazing. A few days later I decided it was time to experence the real thing and she very much wanted to as well. We had plans to meet again in a few months but time was shortened when we both found time off. We both had a long weekend planed and we met halfway between our homes as we both had to drive a few hours. She joking said we would not even leave the hotel room and it turned out to be true. Let me just say I had a fear that I might not be able to really please a woman. I had no experience in the matter and as i got older i worried more and more. I turned out to be very wrong and she was amazing. Her experiences had mostly included misionary and oral sex. She was not into anything freaky and I think if my frist expernce had been something off the wall like bondage or something I would feel odd about it. We tried all kinds of positions and I even performed oral on her many times and liked it. I loved bringing her to orgasm and feeling the pulsation in her orgasms(you can't fake this). Over the weekend she had no less than 33 orgasms. She was amazing the weekend was amazing and I realized that I had missed a lot in the years I had not shared such an wonderful thing with another. The connection of 2 people after having sex is far deeper than anything I had experienced in my life and in previous relationships. I think the best part was lying with her after and just holding her ... I could of done this forever. I must say I truly did loved her and this I think made the experience so rewarding. I do not know but I think causal sex with someone you do not love might not be as satisfying but i do not know. Just thought I would share this as I was older when i lost my virginity. Thing is I would not trade my first time (as it was so wonderful) for anything even if it meant waiting till i was 27.
Thanks again everyone for your replies. I really appreciate them all, and especially as none of you have mocked me - which was a thought trundling around in my head. Thank you so very much for your support. Georgia, I really appreciate your post. I will be ready one day, but just not now. Your words have made me realise, that maybe I am not so freak-ish afterall. My deepest thanks. I do have plenty of male friends, but while I may get the odd crush on them at the start, the relationships never develop. They very quickly see me as a motherly type, and 'one of the lads', and nothing ever happens except that I gain another friend to the circle, which isn't a bad thing. I never get posessive over the lads, and never have any expectations that they would either want a relationship, or would stay with me even when we hook up alone, I just let them do their thing, and not pressure them with calls and dates, and maybe that is why nothing ever comes of it. Things don't change when we meet. I don't understand why a lot of my female friends get upset when they don't hear from a guy every second of the day. We all have stuff to do. Or if a guy looks at another girl and gets that approving look in his eye, why they get jealous. Just because they look, doesn't mean he is touching. I guess that opinion, and a lack of confidence, has never let me experience what may be considered a normal dating life. I was speaking to my phone guy last night, at 11pm. I am so lucky. He was so good. I took a deep breath and told him about my post and of your replies. He was astounded that it was troubling me so much, and he got a bit choked up, that I would pour my heart out to an internet site in a bid to 'please' him. We talked for 5 hours, and at 3am things started hotting up. I know he made every effort to tell me what he liked and didn't, and then I heard a quiet noise, that what I think was...well....let's just say it was the clue I'd been longing for. I was so excited and happy. After a short while he spoke. I must admit that it was little things I picked up on here, about your own likes and dislikes, and just closing my eyes and trying to picture it all. Never the less, he apologised for making me feel so unsure. He said he couldn't promise that I wouldn't feel like that again but next time, could I please talk to him openly about it. Then he could try to help me, or that I should ask for guidence. He also said that if I'm not so sure about it all, thats ok too, and I needn't worry as he was having just as much fun as I was, when I basically just "lay there and breath". We then talked around the clock until 2pm this afternoon - not only about this, but other stuff too. Crazy, but I loved every second, and he is just so lovely, and intelligent, and I am so lucky. I am so thrilled about this all. I am on an absolute high today. I Know it sounds weird, but, I find you guys amazing, and I suddenly feel that while I may be a rarity, or an oddity as my friends say, maybe it isn't such a bad thing afterall. You guys...I...well........... (((((hugs)))))
wow what an awesome story, its almost like a romance drama cos u wait for the next 'installment' im so glad u came on here (and it sounds like u are to) cos its coming across like ur really moving forward with ur situation... wow, good on u! good luck with the future aswell jah bless
