Okay, this is going to be long...so please hang in there...(and DH stands for d*mn husband in this post...) Things have been a little cold between my DH and I since we had our last daughter (she's 19 months old). He works out of town all week and is home only on the weekends (sometimes during the week if it's bad weather) it's like we have two separate lives...He is gone, then comes home eats dinner and goes to bed. He does yard work or works on the car in the barn. "Man stuff" you know. Then turns around and leaves again. I spend Saturdays at my Moms house because DH can't sleep with them home. When he's outside working or watching TV on Sunday have to keep the kids inside or at least away from him because he "can't get anything done with the kids running around". I think it would help if I gave some background here. We've been married for 8 years. (Yes, we were young) It was a crazy first few years. After we had our son, I settled into Mommy mode and he continued to act like a typical teenager. He was arrested once for marijuana possession, broke his probation and we had to sell our car to pay his fines to keep him out of jail, he broke probation again and had to go to jail for a few weeks,he would stay gone and party with his friends, lost like a million jobs, we had screaming and physical fights, and on and on. When our son was 2, I packed up and went home. DH begged and begged for me to come back. He agreed to see a counselor if I came back. I did... Things were alright, we had our first daughter, things got crappy again (but he has never hit me again). We saw a counselor, he promised to change, things got better, we had our second daughter and here we are... I know it might seem petty, but it is just his attitude towards the kids and I basically sucks. I am very calm and respectful towards them and he just yells and threatens. I guess I have my vision of home that's quiet (well as quiet as 3 kids can be), nurturing, and just happy. I'm big on AP and Waldorf methods. He threatens to spank which I never have allowed, tells them to "go play" so he can watch TV, and the final straw for me...called our daughter a brat because she was crying! He was very supportive of me breast feeding, but now keeps on telling me than she is too old and isn't it time she stopped. The kids are SO different when he's home. I really don't have any problems with them all week, then they go nuts all weekend while he's home. We have been to counseling SO many times. They keep on telling him that he needs to take medication for his OCD and ADHD, but he won't take it. It really does play a factor in his mood swings. He goes from manic to depressed/angry every few months in a cycle. I actually KNOW when it's going to get worse...He gets mad and says/does thing without thinking, then just try's to kiss and make up. I can't handle being called a lazy bitch one minute then him coming to bed and wanting some and telling me how much he loves me. I really don't know how to go into exactly how I feel, I don't want to make him seem all bad, because I dearly love him! I'm just so afraid that it's never going to change. He promises me, then turns around and falls back into old habits. I wouldn't feel so bad if he was TRYING. But he's not at all! He got mad that the kids had toys out Friday night. Saturday morning he THREW them in the toy box, while cussing and yelling, and actually knocked a picture off the wall he slammed the lid so hard. I had to pick up glass from the carpet and the couch. We talked and he said he was just tired, he was sorry, blah, blah, blah...I feel like I've heard it all so many times before that I don't believe him. I have no reason to. The calling our daughter a brat incident happened a few hours later... I'm not happy living like this...I always wanted a respectful, loving partnership for a marriage. Not feeling like I'm only here for when he wants me to be around. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I guess I just want to hear from some one who's been there and made afterwards. I'm TERRIFIED of being alone with three kids! But I don't want to be here in 8 more years... I haven't worked in 5 years and don't have any schooling after HS other than a few courses at The Art Institute...It's very scary thinking of being on my own.*sigh*
It sounds like you've lost that 'spark' or whatever you had when you were dating or just got married. You need to seriously think about whether or not you two are still sexually attracted to each other. I think the main problem lies where 'he's tired' or whatever. Is he working too much? That might be a big thing. My dad works so hard that at the end of his work day he ends up falling asleep on the couch at 8:30, but my mom is so used to it that it doesn't bother her.
wow i would really convince him to take some meds. im on lexapro for anxiety/ocd and as a side effect it helps so much with my adhd. also show him that you value his opinion when he gibes it to you even if its wrong and respectfully say why its wrong and oh dont use the word wrong when youre telling him why hes wrong-no one likes to be wrong i think he may be feeling like he doesnt have a whole lot to offer, maybe he doesnt know how to be a good parent so praise him-not in a demeaning way when he does something positive with the kids.
sounds like you never should have gone back to him in the first place. Be strong and make the best dicision so that you and your children are happy and safe and secure. That's what's important. Don't lay down and take it just because you think you have to. You don't.
Thank you for all the replies on the board and in private. It's nice to know that I'm not alone... We went to see a psychologist yesterday. He thinks DH is bi-polar. He recommended medication and for DH to come back independently, but DH said it's a crock. I told him that I can't live like this anymore...the ups and downs are driving ME crazy. We've decided to split. As much as I hate it, it's the right choice and I know it deep down. I can't help him anymore if he won't help himself. I think the weird thing is that I feel okay about it...I actually feel a calm that I haven't in a long time. Thanks again for all the support!
