baby at 18 and before marriage

well, I'm 18 and have been living with my boyfriend for, well, going on 2 years. we have ourselves settled in quite nicely, in my opinion.
but my family thinks otherwise.
the first thing that my mom said to me after the news sunk in when I told her, was that I'd better be getting married. And that I'd better do it before I tell anyone else in the family. needless to say, I was quite opposed to this. Not that marrying my boyfriend isn't something that I wouldn't like to do, for us and our baby, but just for the purpose of making some aunts and uncles that I rarely even see feel better? i think not. I told my mom that I'd think about it, just to get her to lay off for a while. Getting married right now just ISN"T practical, and I think that it's more responsible to get financially prepared for a baby and provide for it than worry about a stupid wedding.
but as time has gone on, those aunts and uncles have found out, generally accidentally. They, of course, reacted with the usual, expected, "how could she do this to us" look on their faces.
I'm very happy about my pregnancy. So is my boyfriend. but it's come to the point where I'm getting extremily aggrivated from hearing family say things like, "what a shame," or, "you still have too much growing up and learning manners yourself to be having a child." I do need their support, as I have no friends and I live far away from them all as it is.
Is there any other ways of explaining to them that I'm happy about this, and that we're going to be just fine? I've been saying things like that already, but they still don't like the explaination. I'm not getting married just to please them, and I'm happy about this pregnancy.

 

It is bullshit to marry to make other people pleased. This won't make anybody happy besides them! You marry, when you and your boyfriend want it.

And you really should go out to make friends. This would be so much better for your feelings. Then you would have people to encourage you for your decisions, and not for so called "moral" ones.

 

If you want your family to approve, you have to make yourself responsible. No offense, but becoming pregnant at 18 is definatly not a responsible thing to do and if you want your parents to support you, you have to work to let them know that you can take care of your child. Take a step out of yourself and look at yourself as your parents do and you'd understand why they feel the way they do. They want what's best for you and especially what's best for their grandchild, in their minds, and if you're in any way unsure about your relationship with your boyfriend or your commitment to him that would stop you from marrying him, then I don't blame them for being upset that you're having his child. I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything, but that's just my opinion.

 

Dont get married for the wrong reason, but would that include getting married for your child? I think that if you dont value your child enough to do it for him/her, than you probably shouldent have one. Sorry if I am being blunt, but some people are so self-centered, that they should not be allowed to have children.

 

I dont' think that you read my post.
I said that I have my own place, am working and my bf and i are supporting ourselves just fine. we are actually in the EXACT same position as my parents are when they had me. My mom was just 3 years older, and had a piece of paper saying that it was ok for them to sleep in the same bed. The way that I see it, I had no idea what the hell I wanted to do with my life. Having kids had always appealed to me. I don't see anything wrong with having a baby at 18 if you're able to support yourself. What's so irresonsible about having a baby at 18 when you spend your days at home, don't go out, work, and am already doing the house wife/mother thing as it is, but are just missing the kids?
I'm NOT unsure about my relationship with my boyfriend, and the weird thing is, that my family all love him.
They're just old fashion and think that if you want to live together, you should be married. The only thing that would make them approve, is getting married, and that's NOT something that I agree with. as well, my mom has been living with her bf for 4 years and they're not married.

 

did I say that I didn't want to get married? no. I actually said that I did! I said that I didn't want to get married for my mom! i WANT to get married for the sake of my baby. But right now, I think that it's MORE reponsible and NOT self-centered to get financially prepared for this baby than worry about a stupid wedding.

 

Um....why is it better for the child to hav married parents??? im a liitle confused. wouldnt it be better fo the child to hav a pram and a safe cot and a few extra toys rather than spending the money on a big meringue of a dress and feeding numerous ppl an overpriced meal???

maybe its just me...but i think shes talkin sense.

 

exactily what i was trying to say. Thank you.

 

I have two children, am 27years old, and I have never been married. Tim and I have been living together quite happily for some time now, and we aren't getting married for anyone but ourselves-if ever! We plan on being together forever, but really don't have the time to worry about planning some ceremony for our families. Needless to say, they don't push it-they know better!

 

sugrmag, you're the kinda person who I'm refering to. You don't need to prove anything. I just wisht that I could get that across to my family......the hard part.

 

I would stop saying anything to them about it, if they see that it bothers you they will keep trying to convince you to do what they want you to do, if you don't say anything about, don't even try to explain to them, they will eventually see that you are firm in your beliefs and see that they aren't getting anywhere with trying to pressure. I am glad you are not letting them sway you. Good luck to you and your new family!

 

TTTM- I agree wiht you completely. Your family will come around bc they love you. Good luick with the baby. Whens it due?

 

Thanks. You don't have anything to prove to them. They (your "family") seem to be creating hurdles for you to jump over every step of the way. Remember, they need to know that you only need supportive people around you (being pregnant). They seem to be having a very hard time accepting the fact that you're grown up. Tell them that you are your own person, and will live your life the way you see fit. Good luck, sweetie.

 

SC,

You can post some absolutely brilliant, interesting, and well-thought out ideas, but conversely you can say things that baffle me and make me think you're a bit inexperienced.

So long as the child's needs are coming first and she's putting aside money for the baby's needs and future, the baby has food and healthcare, and the baby is being well cared for, her age is completely irrelevent. What difference would it make if she were a forty year old broad who was married if she were working an average job for this economy? It seems like this womyn is on her own (with her boyfriend).

I'm not a big unmarried mother advocate, but I get a little sick of people assuming all of them expect their parents to care for the baby while they slam down bon bons paid for by welfare as people who have NO experience and probably haven't even known a single mother on a personal enough level to give relevent or intelligent advice. And that isn't just MY opinion.

On another note, I would tell your family this: If they want you married so badly, tell them you'll need $50,000 for your child's college alone. Before college, it'll cost about $200,000 to raise your kid. If they're willing to put up the $250,000 in advance, then go ahead and buy yourself a nice big wedding and bank the rest. It just isn't practical to pay for a wedding at this point, as other posters have mentioned.

 

i think the best advice for this situation is just igonore their opinions.. my grandma asked me if i was going to get married because i'm pregnant and i was like no way.. and she actually had the nerve to ask if i even loved the father! of course.. its just i two believe that you do not have to be MARRIED to bring a child into the world, or even be married soon after, my mother got married before i was a year old to my father, they got divorced about 2-3 years after, when she had my brother the same thing happened with his father... so the being married because of a child concept doesn't really convince me that it helps.. best of wishes!!!!!!

 

personally...im not sure if i even believe in marriage. i know that sounds cynical but i think its quite a positive outlook. firstly im not entirely sure where my religious beliefs stand at the moment so marriage would only be in the eyes of the law, and to me a bit of paper from the city hall doesnt come close to the meaning of commiting to sharing your lives together.

secondly, i think that two ppl who's relationship can survive without that added enforcement of marriage must hav an incredalbe bond....
im still not entirely decided on the subject....and ,hey who wouldnt want a gigantic party??

 

that's exactily how I feel. i think that it says more about a couple who are able to stay together because they love and trust eachother, is much stonger than some couples who need to go out and get a piece of paper legally binding them togther. Not that I have anything against marriage. But think about it. The only remote reason why I think I'd like to be married is to have the same last name. But that just goes into deep family problems that I'd rather not get into.

 

I'm due September 15th. It's coming up faster than I thought! yey! I can't wait to meet the little feller. I've started to feel it moving now, and it's really cool. It feels like little bubbles moving around!

 

thanks, you thot of any names yet? are you gonna relate the name to anything?

 

well, for a boy, I picked Logan and for a girl, my bf picked Charity. We both love both the names. The full names will either be, "Logan James Sarty," as James is my bf's dad's name. Now, the middle name for a girl has been preplexing us, but i think that we've settled on, "Charity Lorianne Margrethe Sarty." Margrethe is a middle name that all the first born daughters on my mom's side are named...I also have Heddie in my middle name, which is my Omi's first name (my mom's mom), so I wanted to put my mom's name in for my daughter's name, which is Anita. But my bf wanted his mom in there, too, and her name is Lori. Well, we thought that charity lori anita margrethe sarty was a little much, so we combined lori and anita to make lorianne.
so yeah....that's a big explaination, lol! no wonder we always confuse people when they ask. lol.