Kelso Wars Episode IV : A New Dope

Ok, you twisted my arm!
And stroked my ego

Anyway, since this was written way back in the old days and plays on a few old forum jokes and divisions, I should explain it before I begin.

Kelso is the UK Forum member profitinpeace, Slight and/or Zopilote. A couple of years ago, two forum members (Kat86 and MissMercy) started a fan club in appreciation of his musical talent. This fan club was called, quite simply, the Kelso Fan Club (KFC).

But at the same time, Ecowarrior_Spider and some other person I can't remember the name of started PLOKS : People's League of Kelso Supporters. As usual, there was a lot of fighting, arguements and pooball throwing about which of these clubs was the better. So I started writing this for...well, for a laugh really. Then I gave up about halfway through because I lost inspiration and the will to write. Well, now I'm single and kind of bored, it seems the will to write is coming back. Let's hope it stays until this is finished this time

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I'll be posting the first half of Kelso Wars again before going onto the newer parts, so you newer people can follow the story along. I'll also try to get as many new people into the story as possible, but at this late stage it might be a bit difficult...so you'll just have to wait for the sequel

I'll post the first part of Kelso Wars : A New Dope here later. See you then

 

w00t

(Mr Rich has no idea what you're talking about )

 

In that case, we'd better get cracking...here goes

 

Kelso Wars

Part IV: A New Dope

A long time ago, on a forum far, far away...



It is a time of civil war, although there is nothing civil about it. The PLOKS

Empire seeks to impose a new order on the forum.

The only thing that stands in its way is the KFC, a ragtag group of Rebels

opposed to the iron fisted methods of Darth Phoenix. Even now, a Corellian

Corvette carrying Princess Mercy to TattyOne is under attack by PLOK forces...


***


The entire starship shook as yet another barrage of laser fire rained down upon

it. Trying to drink his cup of coffee, the Captain of the corvette only succeeded

in getting the entire cup spilled down his uniform.

"Sir, the Imperial Poo Destroyer is closing in on us."

"Scramble all marine teams." The captain ordered, still fumbling with his cup.

"Inform the Princess of the situation. And get someone to get me a new

uniform. If I'm gonna meet Darth Phoenix, the last thing I want is to look like I

pissed my pants..."


***


"Princess?" Princess Mercy picked herself up from the metal floor of the ship and

grabbed her comm unit.

"This is the Princess."

"Ma'am, we're under attack."

"No shit, Sherlock!" the Princess replied through gritted teeth. "Is it the

Empire?"

"Yes ma'am...and..." The Ensign tried to choke back his fear. "It's Darth

Phoenix's command ship!"

The Princess stood in shock, wondering what to do. The plans had to be

delivered to the KFC HQ, or else no-one would be able to resist the imminent

threat that her spies had discovered.

"Ensign, could we transmit the plans via a passive radio wave?"

"No ma'am, it's..." The ship shook once again, and a loud metallic 'clank!'

resonated through the hull. Almost immediately, the Princess' comm unit was

swamped with radio static.

"They've used a jamming device..." She whispered to herself, as she tried to

come up with another plan.


***


"You hear that?" J2Mad0, the protocol droid, whispered to his fellow mechanoid,

the Astromech robot R2Kat86. "They've deployed docking clamps." J2Mad0

paused to assess the situation, coming up with an optimistically hopeful outlook.

"We're doomed."

It was only as J2M0 wallowed in this thought that he looked around and realised

his Astromech friend wasn't around.

"R2?" He called. "Oh, where has that bot got to..."


***


The KFC marines crowded round the docking hatch, ready to begin firing on the

slightest signal. They could hear the fast-working Imperial Stormtroopers on the

other side of the hatch, preparing to force their way in with explosions and fire.

Then, without warning, a huge detonation made the entire corridor shudder. The

Impeiral Stormtroopers had ignited the explosives to blow the hatch away.

But the hatch remained tight.

The Stormtroopers tried using their blasters to shoot their way through the

hatch.

But it still remained tightly sealed.

Then Stormtrooper Bob walked up to the hatch and kicked it. The only thing

that broke was Bob's foot.

Finally, Stormtrooper Joe stepped over Bob as he lay on the floor cradling his

foot, and twisted the steel handle.

The hatch opened and Joe walked in.

Too busy wiping his shoes on the 'Welcome' mat to notice the hidden KFC

marines, Stormtrooper Joe became the second casualty of the day.

Immediately, the firefight started. Lasers of all colours darted up and down the

corridors as the Rebel marines and Imperial Troopers fought against each other.

Then, as the Stormtroopers continued firing, a dark shadow appeared behind

them. As each KFC marine saw this and recognised the menacing figure, they

stopped and ducked for cover. But it was too late.

Darth Phoenix pelted every single marine with pooballs, and they fell to the

ground.

As the resulting gas cleared, Phoenix stepped into the Corvette. Looking behind

him, he saw that his Troopers were putting their standard issue clothes pegs

onto their noses and standing ready to march in formation behind him.


***


"Bleep blippity bleep."

"Listen, R2..." the Princess whispered as she cautiously looked about for any of

the Empire's marines coming their way. "...it's vital for the KFC to get this

information. The fate of the galaxy depends on you. Understand?"

"Boop blippity."

"Good. Now off you go..." The Princess watched the little droid trundle slowly

away.


***


"Ahh, there you are Kat86!" J2 began to walk along with the droid. "Where did

you go?"

"Bleep bloop blip!"

"Secret mission?"

"Bip boop bip"

"Orders from the Princess? What are you talking about?"

"Bleep." Replied R2Kat86 as she trundled into an escape pod.

"You're drunk again, aren't you?"

"Beep. Boop bippity bip." Kat86 retorted.

"That's not true!" J2 exclaimed. "That bottle of brake fluid was there for ages!

Umm...what are we doing in an escape pod, anyway? You know I get space

sickness in escape pods."


***

 

"We have captured the two senior officers as you wished, Darthy." Said the head

Stormtrooper.

"Excellent. And don't call me Darthy. Bring them in!"


The captain of the corvette was marched in by a group of armed guards, with

the Princess following close behind, flanked by two more guards.


"Ahh, Captain. I'm so glad we've met." Phoenix looked at the captains trousers.

"By the way, you've pissed your pants."

"No I haven't!" The Captain replied. "I spilt my space-coffee on 'em."

"That's what they all say. Anyway...where are the plans?"

"The plans?" Chorused the captain and Princess Mercy.

"Don't think I'm fooled. I know you have the plans."

"Ohh, you mean the plans for my new kitchen?" The ship's captain took a sheet

of paper out of his back pocket and unfolded it. "It's quite simple really, the only

problem is fitting the selves..."

Quick as a flash, Darth Phoenix grabbed the captain by the neck and lifted him

off the floor. "I have no time for your petty shelving predicament." Darth hissed.

"Although I must admit, your planned paint colour scheme really is good...pale

beige and orange...very tasteful. Although if I were you, I'd put the cupboards

by the sink so you could do the washing up and easily..."

"Uhh, sir.." The lead Stormtrooper nudged his commander. "...the battlestation

plans?"

"Oh, yeah...umm...where are the plans?" Phoenix tightened his grip on the

Captain's neck.

"I...I don't know what you're..." The captain's face tensed up slightly. "Oh great.

Now I really have pissed myself."


His patience completely lost, Phoenix threw the captain into one of the

bulkheads.

"Uhh...sir..." The lead trooper spoke again. "You really shouldn't kill the

prisoners as much. I mean..."

"Silence." Phoenix ordered. "We still have the Princess to tell us the location of

the plans. Prepare the torture droid..."


***


It was another boring day on the planet of Tattyone. A young lad, Fluke

Powerwalker, was tinkering with his landspeeder.

"Oh man, I'm so bored." Fluke sighed to nobody. "I just wish something would

come along and make life more exciting. But...I guess oppurtunities like that

don't just fall out of the sky..."

Suddenly, Fluke could hear a barely audible whistling sound. The sound began

to get louder and louder, until it filled his ears. Trying to work out what it was,

he looked skyward just in time to see an escape pod rocket out of the sky, hit

the ground a few hundred metres away from him, bounce twice, then skid to a

halt.

Fluke watched as the door of the pod fell open, and two figures clambered out,

argueing with each other. As he watched, Fluke mumbled to himself.

"Aw great, don't tell me Uncle Looie's playin' practical jokes on me again..."

 

Ah well, that's the best I can do formatting wise. If it's too hard to read, tell me

 

Great

(adds extra bit cos message too short )

 

Hahaha, good stuff

 

nice work mr. 13, this is just the way id like a war over me to go

kat gets all the best lines

 

More More!

 

"I told you, Kat86, I told you I get sick in escape pods!"

"Beep blooptyblip!" Kat86 replied angrily, still trying to shake off the oil and grease that J2M0 had regurgitated.

"Anyway, now we're down here, what's this so-called secret mission?"

"Bleep bloop."

"What do you mean you can't tell me because it's a secret? You're going to have to...oh, here comes someone who'll be able to help us..."

Fluke stopped his landspeeder a few yards away from the droids, then jumped out. "You're new around these parts." Fluke commented.

"Yes sir, please allow me to introduce myself. I am J2M0, protocol droid assigned under the command of Captain..."

"Correction..." Fluke Powerwalker interrupted, grabbing his blaster from the speeder's passenger seat and aiming at J2M0. "You're my property now."

"Uhh, sir, if I may be so bold as to..."

"Wait...what's your friend doing?"

"Pardon, sir?"

"The dustbin on wheels...where's it going?"

J2 looked at Kat86, only to realise she had begun to make her way into the desert. "Oh, ignore her. She thinks she's on a secret mission."

"Tell her she can forget the secret mission now. She landed in my back yard, she belongs to me."

"Beep bippity blip blip boop."

Fluke looked at J2. "What did she say?"

"Uhh, well, she said that due to your...umm...due to your parentage and lifestyle..."

"Cut the crap. What did she say?"

"She said that you're an inbred redneck from a backwater planet populated by hicks who couldn't shoot straight to save their lives."

"Hey! Damnit, I don't have to take that from a droid!" Fluke cocked his gun and fired eight shots at Kat86.



And each one of them missed completely.



"Dagnamnit! This gun is...defective...or something..." He threw the gun down onto the sandy desert floor. "well, if you don't want to come back to the ranch with me, fine. Go on this secret so-called mission. I don't care."

"Thank you, sir." replied J2M0.

The two droids began walking into the horizon. Ten seconds later, they heard Fluke running after them.

"Wait for me!" He yelled as he caught up to them.

"What's up?"

"Mind if I tag along? I'm bored."


***

Aboard Darth Phoenix’s command ship, the Imperial Poo Destroyer Ecaf-parc, a discussion between several high-ranking Imperial officers was turning into a slanging match. As usual.
"During the last three weeks, the KFC have bcome bolder and bolder in their attacks." Senator Sky Butterfly hissed in angry frustration. "We cannot run the galaxy with these Rebel scum interfering." The question was aimed at General Bubbles, but he could barely open his mouth to reply before someone else answered for him.


"They won’t be interfering anymore." Grand Moff Spider had just strolled into the room, making everyone turn around to face him as he made his casual yet elegant entrance. As if he wasn’t late at all, he sat down and, after a nod towards Darth Phoenix, continued. "I’ve just recieved word from High Command. They have dissolved the Board Of Moderators. The last scraps of the old Republic rule have gone. Now the Empire is in total control of the galaxy."

"That won’t solve the KFC problem." Senator Butterfly replied.

Moff Spider smiled. "No it won’t. But this will - free of the restrictions placed on laws by the Board Of Moderators, the Emporer has passed a law allowing a new level of attack to be used in bringing our enemies to justice. We are now allowed to employ any methods required to serve justice."
General Bubbles looked up in shock and surprise. "Does that mean we can continue with the testing of the secret battlestation?" The Grand Moff nodded, and a sly smile curled up in General Bubbles’ mouth.

"The Emporer is allowing the use of that monstrosity?" Butterfly’s fear rose as she considered the possibility of the Empire’s prototype weapon being put into use. "But...but that station has the power to wipe out entire cities!"

"Where’s you desire to bring these scum to justice now, Senator?" Bubbles sneered. "And where have you been living for the last few weeks - with your head in a bag of sand? The DeathPoo is far more advanced than it was in the early stages. Our engineers have upgraded its methane cannon with an ultra-powerful ejection nozzle." The DeathPoo’s methane cannon was essentially a huge exhaust that fired clouds of methane then ignited them to destroy anything it was aimed at. Grand Moff Spider had struck upon the idea one night while he was watching Darth Phoenix setting fire to his farts. "The Death Poo is now so powerful, one shot from its weapon can destroy worlds. It is the most powerful weapon in the galaxy."

"I wouldn’t be so sure of that, General." Darth Phoenix had remained silent up to now, preferring to let the lower-ranked officers argue among themselves. Now that the arguing had turned to something a little more useful, he had decided to speak. "Your battlestation is insignificant next to the power of The Farce."

"Don’t kid me, Darth phoenix." Sneered the General, caught up in the moment. "The Farce is nothing more than a pointless, hokey religion meant to fool its believers into thinking they’re superior to others. Nobody but yourself believes in the so-called all powerful Farce anymore, and I’d be surprised if anyone remembers it in five years time, except maybe as a club for sheep shaggers and granny-porn fans..." Suddenly realising he had opened his mouth for too long, the General looked around and noticed everyone was looking back and forth between him and the motionless Phoenix, eyes wide in anticipation. Finally, he sighed and spoke again. "Oops. Well, it’s been good to know you all. Umm...good luck in conquering the galaxy. Umm...holla."
"Thanks." Replied Phoenix as he raised his hand.


***

Ten seconds later, General Bubbles was buried in a huge pile of poo. Darth Phoenix turned to Grand Moff Spider.
"Grand Moff, due to General Bubbles'...unfortunate...departure, you are now solely in command of this project. Don’t fail me, or you will answer to Emporer Poopaltine."

Grand Moff Spider looked at Senator Butterfly, who was still holding both her nostrils shut to avoid the smell of General Someone’s fate.

"I guess you could say the General is in deep shit, eh Senator?"

Darth Phoenix continued his commands. "We currently have Princess Mercy, of the KFC, held captive. Through her, we’re going to discover the location of the secret KFC base - and I believe that the Death Poo will prove its usefulness in destroying that base. Now please join me in an evil laugh."

***

 

ah beep, my favourite phrase, though little variety..
cant wait for more *hint**hint*

 

If I had a dollar for every Star Wars spoof I've seen, I could probably afford some tobacco. But then I'd be royally boned as can't recall where the Bureau De Change is around here.

 

Ahh but, if you had a dollar for every *funny* star wars spoof you'd seen...you'd have...umm...

Spaceballs - one dollar
That episode of The Muppet Show with Mark Hamill - fifty cents (not really a star wars spoof, but fifty cents for the cameo role/theme)
Star Wars Episode One - what, that wasn't a spoof? Bugger...
Kelso Wars - comedic genius at its best. Two dollars (extra dollar added because this is the second running of it, and because it's so funny it made the Queen shit her pants)

Three dollars fifty. Cash or cheque?

 

Cash please, I'm in real trouble with the bank for constantly depositing drum tobacco into my account rather than money.

Space Balls! Haven't seen that in ages! Thank you!

 

*bounces* MORE MORE MORE!!!!

 

post some more pooper_13

 

Back on the desert planet of TattyOne, the three friends had been walking for about an hour. Kat86 was leading, chattering to herself in her own language of bleeps and blips. J2M0 was walking beside her, replying to her chattering every so often with phrases like "I’m sure it can’t be that bad" and "I don’t care if you think he’s as dumb as a mule, we’re not deserting him". Fluke was lagging behind a little, trying to work out where the droids were going.

Suddenly, Kat86 stopped and made a series of loud, panicked beeps. Fluke’s curiousity rose, and he ran to catch up with the droids.

"What’s happening?" he asked.

"Kat86 says she can detect life forms." Replied J2M0, staring at the horizon trying to catch sight of any hazards.

"Bland people!" Fluke exclaimed as he grabbed his macrobinoculars from his utility belt. "C’mon, let’s take a look."

***

Fluke gazed through the binoculars at the Blandpeople, natural inhabitants of the sandy desert wastes ofTattyOne. How the Blandpeople had survived their many years of isolation in the harsh desert conditions was a mystery to everyone, but they were known to be lethal. Years and years of nothing but the same people and the same sandy conditions had worn their conversation out to two topics: sand and their favourite colour. Every outsider who had encountered a Blandperson in close range had been bored to death within minutes.

"Wow...look at that, you can see them discussing the particles of sand...it’s ama..."


Fulke was suddenly interrupted by a Home Counties accent directly behind him. "Hello, old boy, how are you? Sand is fascinating, isn’t it?"

Fluke spun around to find himself face to face with a Blandperson.

"Of course, you know, sandy yellow is one of my favourite colours. The wife and I are thinking of giving the old kitchen a lick of paint, and sandy yellow is one of our first choices." As the Blandperson spoke, Fluke recoiled in terror then covered his ears as they began to bleed from the intense waffle.

"Arrgh...stop...must...survive!" Fluke rolled around on the sand as the Blandperson continued speaking.

"Oh yes, of course, the only problem with sandy yellow is that it may be a little too bright, a little too intense, so the wife’s going to make some dark purple curtains from an old tablecloth, to try to give the room a little darker tint. Dark purple is her favourite colour. But I often say to her; you don’t see dark purple coloured sand, do you? Unless you put it in some sort of dark purple dye, of course. But that would just be silly. You see, sand..."

Suddenly, a voice resonated from a far sand dune. Stood there was a solitary figure with a tape player.

The natural urge of the Blandperson was to find another person to engage with their favourite topics, so they naturally began to run towards this mystery person. Then, as they approached, he pressed the ‘play’ button on the tape player. The volume already set to full, music began to blare through the speakers.

Maybellene, why can’t ya be true?

Oh Maybellene, why can’t ya be true?

You been startin’ back doing the things you used to do

Momentarily stunned into non-blandness by the power of rock ‘n’ roll, the Blandpeople started to dance among themselves. Un-noticed by the dancing desert hermits, the figure who had pressed the play button began to move to the sand dune where Fluke was still knocked out, with the two droids trying to revive him.

"Bloop blippity blip-bliip bleep."
"Yes, Kat86, tipping water onto his face may revive him. But we’re in a desert."
"Bleep-ping?"

"I doubt that sand would have the same effect as water."

"Hello there!" The figure called as he clambered up the soft sandy hill. Then he lost his footing and fell backwards, back to the bottom of the hill. The droid duo watched in bemusement as the cursing man got back onto his feet and attempted to climb the dune again. He lost his footing and fell flat on his face halfway up again, sliding back down to the bottom.

"Can I be of any help, sir?" Asked J2M0.

"Fuck off." Replied the very-pissed-off old man. "I’ll get up this bloody thing even if it kills me. Ooh, I’ve said that before! Hahahaha!!!"

The old man was successful the third time, and knelt beside Fluke to check his condition. "Hmm." He took a dirty old bottle of rum from a concealed pocket in his cloak.

"Ahh, you’re going to clean his wounds with alcohol, novel idea!" Exclaimed J2M0.

"What the fuck? No!" The old man muttered as he opened the bottle and took a swig from it. He took a few more swigs, put the cap back on and replaced the bottle in the pocket. "Right. Now to wake him up. Nice and gently. Remember, we don’t want him to be exposed to any sort of shock. So...nice and gentle. Here goes."

The old man slapped Fluke in the face and screamed "Wake the fuck up, y’bastard!!!" into his ear. It didn’t work.

"Hmm." The old man wiped a drop of rum from his white beard. "Looks like this is gonna be difficult." He looked over at the still-dancing Blandpeople. "We’ve not got long before the tape stops. We’d better get to my desert hut, we can wake this kid up there."

***

 

"Confess!" Phoenix ordered.

"No!" Mercy yelled back.

"Confess!" Phoenix repeated.

"No!" Mercy repeated back.

"Confess!" Phoenix ordered.

"I confess!"
"Not you, Spider!" Phoenix flapped his arms about in frustration before returning to his analytical style. "Hmm...she won’t confess through our normal methods. Grand Moff Spider, it’s time to get to the extreme methods. Bring out the torture droid!!!"

***

"Now will you confess?" Phoenix smirked as Princess Mercy struggled to keep quiet. "Spider, turn the torture droid to level three."
"Level three?!" Spider exclaimed "That could kill her!"
"She’ll survive." Phoenix answered dryly. "Turn the damned thing up."
Spider grudgingly pressed the ‘skip track’ button on the CD player, and the third track of the ‘Music for torture sessions’ started.

"What the..." Mercy tried to pull an arm out of her restraints as the track started.

‘Heey baby! Ohh, ahh! I wanna know...’

"I thought that this song was made illegal in the Musical Revolution of 2319!"
"It was." Phoenix replied. "But desperate times call for desperate measures."

MissMercy’s attempts to get free of her restraints became even more desperate. She tried to move her foot close enough to the torture droid to kick it, hoping to put it out of action, but it simply moved out of range whenever her foot got close to it.

Phoenix smiled. "Are you ready to confess?"

"No!" MissMercy yelled.

"Very well. Spider, bring out our most powerful form of torture. Bring out...the robotic Pete Waterman!!!"

"Noo!" MissMercy screamed. "Alright, alright, I confess."
"Pardon?" Phoenix asked.

"I said I confess!"
"Sorry, I can’t hear you, hang on..." Phoenix turned the volume down on the torture droid then took off his pink fluffy earmuffs. "Okay, what did you say?"

"I confess to being a KFC agent, and I confess to knowing the location of the secret KFC base." Princess Mercy tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she continued speaking. "It’s on the southern hemisphere of the planet Lyndia. Go towards the Galcom system, turn left at the Talcana asteroid cluster, look out for the Syrise nebula. You can’t miss it."

"Oh, that’s a coincidence!" Phoenix exclaimed sarcastically. "We’re already heading to the planet Lyndia to destroy a secret rebel base!"
"What...you already knew?!" Phoenix grinned and nodded at the Princess. "Then why did you go to all this just to get the information out of me?"

"Plot progression. Plus, I like it." Phoenix changed the subject. "Anyway, I’m bored now. I’ll leave you with the robotic Mister Waterman, enjoy your conversation."

As Princess Mercy tried to wrigggle free, the robotic Pete Waterman lurched into the room. "’allo, I’m Pete Waterman!" It said.

"Nooo!!!" Mercy yelled.

"You know, I love those pink earmuffs." Spider commented, walking out of the room with Darth Phoenix. "They bring out the colour of your helmet."

***

Back on TattyOne, in an old hut in the middle of nowhere, the old stranger continued to display his generousity.

"Cup of rum?" He asked J2m0.

"No thank you, sir. I am a droid, and droids do not consume alcohol."

"Suit yerself, but you’re missing out on some fine stuff." The old man replied before he took a mouthful. Gulping the mouthful down, he spoke again. "This is the stuff that I haven’t recycled yet."
J2M0 decided not to enquire about the recycling process. Instead, he turned his attention to Fluke. "Sir?" Fluke began to come to. "Sir, I believe he’s coming to!"
"About fucking time." Cam the reply.

"Sir? How are you feeling?"

Fluke looked up at J2M0 with bleary eyes. "Ohh wow, what happened?"
"We were cornered by a Blandperson, sir. You’re lucky to have survived."
"Yeah, lucky I came around at the right time." Drawled the old man. "Here, have a cup of rum."

"What the...wow!" Fluke instantly recognised the old man’s face. "Fly-Gonn Gin!"

"Yeah, what the..." Fly-Gonn looked closer at Fluke in turn. "Ah crap, Fluke Powerwalker! Man, is your uncle still in jail?"

"Yeah, he’s got another two years to go on the Wookie-bumming charge." Fluke answered. "Wow...Fly-Gonn. I haven’t seen you for years!"
"Ahh well, I had to get the fuck out of town." Fly-Gonn took a swig from his cracked old cup. "I tell you, it was a bad time there."
"What happened?" Fluke asked. But Fly-Gonn didn’t reply. He was gazing into his cup of rum. Then he suddenly turned around and pointed at a picture on the wall.

"You see the building in that picture?" Fly-Gonn asked. Fluke nodded. "That’s the school for young victims of the Empire. I built that school with my bare hands! But did they call me Fly-Gonn The School Builder? Nooo!!!"

Fluke considered this quietly, and Fly-Gonn relaxed again. But after ten seconds, Fly-Gonn spoke again.

"You know the well that stands in the middle of the Esra Colony?" Fluke nodded; the Esra colony was one of the most isolated colonies of the desert, the Blandpeople excepted. "I built that well. Single-handedly! I had to dig that well in a week! And I did it, and now the Esra colony depend on that well to survive! But did they call me Fly-Gonn The Well-Digger? Nooo!!!!"

"Wow, sounds like you had a bad time when you..."

"Do you remember the war between Lyrax and Tuftan colonies twenty years back?" Fly-Gonn interrupted, obviously on a roll. Fluke nodded; although he was too young to have seen it first hand, he had heard stories of the bloody battles that had erupted between the two colonies. "I settled that dispute." Fly-Gonn swigged from his rum cup again. "I brought the leaders together. I sat with them for hours as they bickered over pointless statistics. I formed the first few bonds between the two colonies! I slowly brought those two colonies together, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! But did they call me Fly-Gonn The Peace Maker? Noo!!!"

Fluke could feel that Fly-Gonn hadn’t finished. He waited. And waited. Ten seconds passed. Twenty. Finally, Fly-Gonn continued.


"But you fuck one sheep..."

***

 

Before I go on, just another quick check. Is the font size I'm using okay for everyone? It's the only size where the original formatting looks "right" to me