Now, let me say first that I have not once acted on any of my thoughts. I have never touched another dude, or even acted as though I wanted to. I have this awful urge to have a guy chase me. To have someone so interested, they go out of their way to impress me and atrract me. What I really want is to have my boyfriend do that. I want things to feel new and I want him to really put some effort into attracting me, not just asking if we're going to have sex tonight or not. I do not want to cheat. I wouldn't. Ever. If I really got that lonely, I would break things off first. I have talked to Erik about this. Every time without fail, he feels as though I don't appreciate the things he does for me everyday. I do appreciate them. Very much. But its the same thing everyday. I can't get through an conversation about this because it hurts his feelings and I piss him off. Now, I have taken the initiative. I have done little sweet things for him that I would love to have done for me. But I still haven't inspired him to go that extra mile. Here's where the slutty feeling comes into play. There is this guy. He's a friend of ours. He's cute. I flirt a little bit, but nothing that would ever offend Erik or make him umcomfortable. I've never done or said anything that I wouldn't do in Erik's presence. This guy flirts back a little bit. I have no clue if he's really even attracted to me. but soemtimes, he looks at me, and my heart goes wild. One glance, and it's all I can think of for the rest of the night. One little offering of attraction and I dream about it that night. I'm finding that I go over there all the time now. I don't even think if I was single, I would be his type. I doubt it. So there's no real problem. Except that I still feel like there is a huge need that isn't being fulfilled. But I hate feeling that way. I should feel lucky I have someone who cares to begin with. Sorry for the long post, thanks in advance to anyone to takes the time to read my long ass pathetic problem.
ahh.... i have a friend who's in the exact same position as what you described up there. i don't know what to say though; it's obvious, probably to you most of all, what the problem is and you know you wouldn't cheat. but the feeling still sucks. so many guys give up on the little things after they feel secure in a relationship! bah!! haha.. i told her she needs to talk to her boyfriend honestly about her feelings... not that she's been fantasizing about anyone else or anything, but that she feels the spark is fading a little. just don't sound accusing, or he'll get defensive. you and him could plan a few dates together, like how it was when you first started going out, and that might spice things up a little. organize a picnic for the weekend, or maybe take turns giving each other surprise dates once a week, depending how busy you are. that way he's obligated to think of ways to impress you. i'm sure that once there's a little more action in the relationship again, your attention will be focussed back on your man. good luck! peace, sophia
what sucks is that we're trying that right now, but for some reason all th date planning is my responsibility and he never wants to decide to takeme anywhere because he wants to "make sure it's something I want to do" so he'd reather just have me plan it. I do, but I still don't have fun because I just did all the work and it totally defeats the purpose. I don't know what to say to him. I have tried to just sit and tell him I feel as if the flame is going out and I need him to help me get it going again, and he jut flips out about how I dont' appriate the things he does everyday. He feels like if he cleans up a little bit, it's his get out of jail free card. He doens't have to do anything, because he already did. One of the reasons he wants to move out is so I'll appreciate that stuff! I DO, and I tell him. Is it wrong for me to not care so much about the dishes or the carpet if he does it everyday? Is it wrong for me to want him to show his love in a different way? Or am I expecting too much out of a relationship? He says I'm expecting a perfect person and he won't spend his life trying to live up to something he can't be. It makes me feel really awful when he says that.
no, i totally get what you're saying.. he just doesn't understand, and, dare i say it, doesn't understand that if he doesn't TRY in the relationship, you will drift off. i don't know what the answer is. some girls go and flirt with other guys at this point to 'get the point across', but i think that's too much game-playing. maybe spend some time apart; don't give him so much attention and wait and see how long it takes for him to come around. when he realizes that you've drifted off a bit, the message might become clearer to him. ps.. you're NOT a slut!! haha.... sheesh. and by the sounds of it, he's safe knowing that you'd never cheat on him. sophia
I try really hard to be honest and not play games. but I still feel awful about myself for thinking about someone else just because he showed me an ounce of attention.
Moe dont feel bad for thinking about someone else.. Thats not cheating... You can enjoy the feelings without guilt... He makes you feel good... Dont turn it into something bad... As long as you love your boyfrind and dont act on the feelings there is nothing wrong with them... As long as you can keep them in check.... Dont go makeing love to erik thinking about this other guy.. but you can enjoy some meaningless flirting and attraction
Here's a question to ponder on: What absolutely MUST change for things to become great between Erik and you again? Does it really matter if he doesn't chase you? He's not with you because he thinks you're a hideous mess. He doesn't clean for you and do things for you because he thinks you're a bad, unattractive, annoying person. Maybe it's just not the same because the relationship isn't new anymore. It doesn't mean it's bad, but rather than trying tear apart and rebuild the relationship, maybe you should just expand and explore new horizons. What sort of things does Erik want to do before he drops dead? Tell him you want him to plan every other date and you don't care what it is, even if it's house-cleaning.
What must happen for my relationship with Erik to become great again? He needs to care about the relationship and invest time and effort to show me that. I'm sick of him doing the dishes, saying something hurtful, or ignoring me, and telling me that he already did the dishes so why isn't that enough? It's not enough because he does shit like that almost everyday. He'll do some small chore so he doesn't have to put any effort into pleasing me, and if I bitch, he can just defend himself with the fact that he's so nice and cleaned. I'm tired of him using that as an excuse. I would rather do all the housecleaning, and chores myself if it meant Erik would actually put some effort into doing something nice for me.
I did the special dates, the flowers, and those heartfelt presents; none of that stuff worked for my ex and I. Sometimes it’d be great, but it’d never fail that a week later the same fight would be happening. Because, according to her, I only did those things to keep her around, not because I truly loved her. The problem shifted to something else. In retrospect, and some great conversations with a psychologist, I now realize that it was because of another problem altogether. She had to have that intensity, because to her; that’s what love was. She didn’t feel it anymore, so she wasn’t in love. She was doing everything in her power to feel it, but I couldn’t provide that. No one can over an extenuated period of time. A different feeling comes into play, and the fire changes. I'm not saying this as a reflection on you; it's just what I went through with my ex. Perhaps if he did do those things, it'd make you happy. Sounds like a good idea; take that away from him and see what he comes up with next. Do the chores for him, do something else on top of that for him, and plan something for the both of you; go 10 extra miles and tell him you want him to be doing the same thing. Inspire him to inspire you. That's not fair, really, as I believe each person in a relationship is only responsible for their 50%, but maybe it'll make your point. The only other options are to accept this as the way things are, or try and explain it to him in a different way, or leave him. It's about that simple.
you could say somethign like "I do really appreciate when you vacuum (or whatever), but you don't really need to. Cleaning the house doesn't make me horny and it doesn't make me feel wanted, action X does, or action Y would. How about I clean the house all of this week, and we try to do something different and fun that you plan this weekend?"
I think it is natural for everybody to be wanted, even if you have someone already. Maybe the tow of you should take a break from each other. I dont think you should feel bad about the feelings you are having. They are not wrong or bad. Maybe you are telling yourself that you are ready to break things off with him. I dunno, but whatever you do, dont feel bad about the way you are feeling, you cant control that! Hope it works out for you!
Actually, he knows all of this. He even teases me about the "crush" I have on this other guy. He knows that I would never be unfaithful. And you know what? That bothers me. The fact that he has no problem whatsoever with some other guy making me feel good about myself, so he doesn't have to. Doesn't that sound wrong? I mean, I'm not one to hide my feelings or lie about them, so I have come out and told him everything I stated here a while ago. And he simply doesn't care. I want him to. I want it to bother him. I don't play games, and I would never flirt in front of Erik to make him jealous, but it's the fact that I could, and he wouldn't give a shit. Is that confusing?
on one hand, it's really awesome that he has such deep trust in you and feels so secure with your relationship. a lot of people would cut off a limb to have love that strong. at the same time, it is odd that he isn't concerned that you have "interest" in this other guy. maybe he knows it's nothing serious to worry about, because he has that deep level of trust and security. he knows you won't leave him. but there's always the possibility of "what if" and it sounds like you're upset because the "what if" doesn't affect him. he probably just doesn't see that "what if" as even being possible. i do understand what you're saying, though. if my man flirted with another woman, i would get real cranky. and if he had a 'crush' on another girl, you'd better be damn sure that she will not be coming around anymore (i just realized that sounds like i might intend to harm her, which it definitely doesn't, just that she would never be invited back, and neither of us would be spening any time with her). does that make me insecure? maybe. i'm okay with that, though. so it definitely sounds odd to me, too, that eirk is straight with this crush. it sounds like his trust is just infinite... but does that sound plausable? is it really trust, or laziness/apathy? so i guess i just rephrased everything you said without offering much advice.
ha ha, yeah you did. That's how he explains it. His exact words are," I know you feel that way only because when we go out, I don't pay a lot of attention to you. I don't mean to, but I do forget. If he looks at you and makes you blush and giggle, as long as it never goes further than that, good for him! " I guess I should feel great that he has so much trust in me. But a small part of me wants him to step up and sweep me off my feet instead of leaving it to someone else.
You're not going to feel fulfilled or satisfied until he makes the effort to make you feel special, to show that he appreciates you, and doing even the smallest things can help foster that "head over heels in love again" feeling. I'm not saying that everyday is sunshine and roses. Relationships mature over time, and you become more comfortable with one another, which can sometimes lead to taking one another for granted and not investing that extra time to make make one another feel like the object of affection of the good old days. It can't always be like the beginning, but as your relationship strengthens over time, it can take on new dimensions, new feelings, a stronger bond, but it takes more work to keep that going, on both parts. My husband and I honestly have more of a stronger bond and appreciation for one another now than back when we were dating. We've been together for 9 years, and I truly feel that we love one another more now than we did even on the day we were married. But if I start feeling like he's not paying enough attention to me, or that I'm being taken for granted, I always speak up and tell him. I don't nag, I don't accuse, I just say it in a lighthearted way. He won't know how I'm feeling unless I tell him, and if I keep my feelings buried inside, it will only make me resentful, frustrated, and angry. I know I myself am guilty of taking him for granted as well at times, and he tells me when he feels that I am. It's not as though I don't love him with all of my heart, it's just, you get busy with things, you're in a comfortable situation, and sometimes you just forget to do the little things that amount to so much in the long run because you may feel like "hey, I've already got him/her, so I shouldn't have to try to impress and sweet talk 24-7". But I know that when I DO make that extra effort, it feels great for me as well. I don't believe in the 50-50 thing, I believe in each person putting in 100% to make the most out of a relationship. It's not always easy, but when both people devote themselves to nurturing a strong, happy relationship, you definitely reap the rewards. The point is, it's work, and both people have to be willing to do their share. It sounds to me as though you are doing your fair share, but Erik needs to step up to the plate a bit more. If he's not willing, well, then you have to do some serious thinking and decide what is best for you and what will truly make you happy. Good luck...
it's weird. Everytime we go over to a friend's house, he gets really wrapped up in what's going on with other people. He says doesn't need to hang on me at other's people's places because that's the point of going out- to see other people. And what really sucks is that if I get his attention for a second, he's nice, but 5 minutes later, something else is more interesting. It's like he's got the attention span of a rodent. It really seems like he doesn't TRY to hurt me, and he feels bad when I get pissed, but he doesn't remember to do it in the first place. At least I don't feel so awful about it now. You hit it right in the head. I want him to WANT to pay attention to me, not go through the motions. And that's why it feels so good when someone else looks at me. I don't expect this everyday, or even every week. but it would be nice everyonce and a while to feel special.
Moe Men do have the attn: span of rodents, I myself have been fully in love with a women and neglected her because things were too deep to quickly. you say you feel love from the man. Then let him be your man, and not your best friend. You both are great at certain things, he is trying to make you feel good picking up the house. That is a huge thing for a guy we can live in some funky places and not mind but the fact that he works or what ever and comes home and cleans to give you a break is a sign that he does care. When you go out enjoy your freedom if you feel needed blind fold him and drive him to a feild and then have great sex. Encourge spontanity, walk up to him in a public place and whisper sexy thoughts in his ear, find something that makes you special talk about how you think it would be so hot if a man did X, Y, or Z. Decide if a flower will make you happy or a bottle of wine. Look for the simple things my Ex loved it if I remembered to get a pint of bourbon or gin and we would roll up a fattie and have cocktails on the back poarch and make out like we just met. It gave the old man next door something to talk about; and it turned both of us on. or sit down and make a list of things you want to do together, and that gives him the ablity to choose somethings that intrest him and you too. Or buy a box of condoms and and toss a blanket in the trunk and on each condom write a fun place to get it on you do 1/2 he does 1/2. then go to town pull one out and find a way to make it happen. Sex is a decent perdictor of realtionship outcomes, if you don't want to do him up today what makes you think that is 30 years your still gonna want to be bumping and grinding on him or vice versa. Realtionships are 80% work and 15%harder work and 5% googly eyed awe.
Sounds like you're with someone who's less romantic than you'd like. I've got the same problems myself from the other end. I'm romantic at times. But it takes a special effort, and it feels a little corny. When I'm being genuine, I'm being playfully sarcastic with a dry sense of humor. I am very gentle and a good listener. But it's not sweeping anyone off her feet. That's melodramatic to me. So are you happy with a man who isn't very romantic? Are you willing to live with it as long as you get to keep a lover who is trusting, laid back, and domestic? Sure, you should communicate your feelings to him, but don't expect him to turn into someone else just because it's who you want to be with. But what's really bothering you is that you think that the non-romanticism is a symptom of him not really valueing you anymore. And that might be the case. But it's not certain either way. Hang in there, and I hope that things work out for you.
