making friends...

i really had no idea where to post this, so I thought here might be best.
This isn't some kind of "sob post," I just want to know what some people could tell me to help me out.
ok.
When I was growing up, I always had really bad depression. I hated it. when I was about 16, I started to make more friends, and everything was going good. But i was also on anti-depressants, which started to bug me in other ways...I was happy, but i didn't feel like myself....kinda numb.
Once I turned 17, I moved out on my own away from all my old friends. With the exception of one person, I haven't really talked to any of my old friends. Not that I haven't tried, they just moved on and really didn't have any time for me. I just thought, "whatever," and didn't bother with them anymore.
However, I haven't really had much sucess with friends here. I always relied on school to make friends all my life. That's where all my friends always came from. So, when I stopped going to school, I was kinda like, "shit, now what?"
I thought that maybe jobs would help, but in the last year and a half, all my jobs have ended in about 3 months, and usually in a fight with someone.
I mean, for the most part, I think that I'm a ncie person. I'm generally friendly, but I've always been pathetically shy....and it's soooooo annoying! People usually mistake that for me being a bitch.
The shy problem usually only rises up around people my own age. Never had a problem with people who were about 5 years older, and a few years younger, but anything else, they totally intimidate me. I have no idea how to talk to them. It's like i feel I have something to proove to them. I'm not really into that whole bar thing....i feel fake when I do drink around people my age...like I'm trying to get them to accept me or something. It's stupid and i feel like an idiot.
I need to make some friends. People older than me generally just don't take me seriously, and aside from getting along with them, I really don't have much in common with 15 year olds.
I just don't know what to say.......aside from, "do you want to be my friend?" and we all know how that'll go. lol
I feel like an idiot no matter what I say. I have no idea what to say.
I have to stop being to intimidated. I always look at people my age with this look like, "don't talk to me cuz I know you're just going to use me and fuck me over and talk shit about me." That's always what's happened in the past, and I'm having a hard time letting go of it.
What do i say? What do I do to make them think I'm not some kind of 10 year old kid wanting someone to go "play with?"
I'm sick of sitting at home every day watching tv and doing nothing. for the last year, all my memories involve tv shows. I feel GROSS! But I dont' know what to do. It's not like being a kid and going to the park and finding a "partner in crime" anymore.....
maybe my only bet is to go back on anti-depressants. I hate the way my life is going right now, and I want to change it. It's pathetic to sit at home all day.

 

Well, I've gone through the same and worse and have gotten out of it, if you need someone to talk to, msn me

pavelrubin@hotmail.com

 

I know were your coming from, my life sucks as much as yours, reading your post was like the exact same thing I have to deal with every day, you should look at some of my threads my life is just like yours, except the anti-depressants part, I don't take any but I think I need to....I have the same problem with never knowing what to say, and always having to sit at home alone...I know how much it sucks...

 

If you read any of my posts, you'd know that I'm not exactly the kind to feel sorry for people posting something like this, but I really do understand your problem. Went through a similar thing myself, but I can't really say I know of a solution (for me, it was going to University). Where in Canada are you?

All I can tell you is what not to do: don't go back to anti-depressants. Doctors today suggest this stuff like it was a magic cure. It's one of the worst things to happen to this world. I had problems that were way worse, and doctors suggested anti-depressants. I don't think I would have been ok right now if I listened to them.

 

I can't imagine how "Do you want to be friends" wouldn't work, other than a little humility you get from saying it. Its not something to be ashmed of saying. I did it all the time when I was little. I bet it would make a good conversation starter.

You say to somebody
"Want to be friends"
They will probably say
"No"
Then you say
"Why not?"
Then they are stuck. They may not want to be friends with you because they don't like you for some dumb reason, which is their problem. They may say
"Because I don't know you"
and you say
"Well if we became friends you could meet me"

I don't have alot of friends myself. When I was a toddler in Mc.Donalds I asked any kid that I met in the play place if they wanted to be friends.

 

The problem is that this sounds too much like a pickup line, and would be very difficult for a shy person to use.

 

This is a problem for you because you put too much thought effort into people. You think everyones out to get you like middle school or something. People, if they smile and have something in common with you, then theres an easy approach.

I personally think you should find a hobby or get into college. Get yourself out of the house and to a hang out with some other folks. Its easy as pie to get friends man. I swear to god. You just have to be somewhere and get yourself talking.

You are intimidated for no reason at all. People that are super shy or angry are the type I usually talk to. Why? Because I know how to feed through all that garbage and find a real nice person inside. Plus its kinda fun. Yeah I'm weird.

I just think you need to be laidback and be yourself. This stuff comes naturally and with exposure to people. It takes no effort at all. Don't put any mind thought into it and smile some. Complement. Share music interests. Its easy

 

Hey I know where you're coming from. I'm 27 and I don't have any friends. By friends I mean close friends. There's a few people who occasionally respond to me and that I occasionally respond to online and some new penpals but no one that I'd really call a "friend" right now. Except maybe one person who lives in another country so... It's pretty much over, for me at least, with the two people I thought were supposed to be my best friends. The one person I know here in town, who I knew from high school, well over the years I've had a lot of problems with her ebcause she so often goes off on trips about how much better she is than me because she's rich, has this or has that and I don't. The other one, who lives about 500+ miles away was the one I really considered my ebst friend. But for the last time I'm tired of her viciously attacking me about what I don't have in income or possessions either just because she takes every word I say as a personal attack. So a couple of days ago she said enough to make it clear that she thinks she's better than me too, so you know what? I just can't f*ing deal with it. I'm tired of everyone running their mouth about me for all the things I don't have. My family does that a lot too. Especially my mom's 'new' husband. (Well new as of the apst 5 years probably longer I don't remember) But anyway.. I don't make friends either. I grew up without friends. I don't go out because when I do people constantly shout insults at me as they drive by or in a place if anyone looks at me at all they look at me like I've got 3 heads, 1 eyeball and 10 tenticles. I'm no good with people at all and I don't know why. I try to be nice but people are just assholes. Even like when I go to a business or someplace for a certain reason, to get something or for information, just stuff you have to do to live you know, most of the time I get such attitude, snippiness and absolutely no help or answers or what I came for. The vast majority of people do not react to me like I'm a human being at all. I'm either something to kick around, laugh at and shit on, or something to hate that they want to kill. I live here in my hometown, where I was born, and I don't know anyone, see anyone, talk to anyone, call anyone, get any calls. I have no one. I'm afraid my entire life will always be like this. Well, not afriad, but I know that's how it is. I can accept it. It's just so damn lonely. Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just know what it's like. People don't want to be my friend because of how I look mostly, if they actually get past the looks it's usually the rest of me that ignites their hate. Like the music I listen to or being athiest or any other number of my differing views on things.

 

At the very begining of my post, I said that I wasn't looking for pitty. I know things need to change, and I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
But about the anti-depressants thing...I was kind of against them at first. I know that they made me feel a little "numb" before, I also know that I was able to make friends WAY easier, not take things so personal, and so on. Overall, I was really a lot happier. I hate to turn to drugs to improve my mood, but when I stopped them before, I said to mayself, "ok, now that you've seen what they can do, and how happy you can be when you're making friends and stuff, let's see if you can do it on your own." I've been off them for well over a year, and I think that I'm better off on them.

 

I know. If you did, I doubt I would have replied

I don't like posting personal stories online. I like to deal with my problems in real life, and keep them to themselves once they are solved. I will make an exception:

Well, here's the thing. Your body may have problems. Most of the disorders that immediatly ring "ani-depressant" in a doctor's mind are simple chemical imblances in the body. Maybe you are missing a vitamin? Maybe you are too stressed? Depressed? Yes, you could take the magic pill that'll just make you feel happy without fixing the problem. Do you want this? Taking the quick-fix is the modern, stupid approach.

Less than a year ago, I was pretty messed up. I just graduated from highschool with very decent grades, and got accepted to one of the best universities in the country. At this point, I started feeling anxiety, paranoia, and really strong stress (not the "oh, my job is so stressful" kind, but the "I am shaking, scared and am staring at space simply because I can't concentrate" kind.) I ended up dropping out of university during my first week, because I couldn't concentrate on anything. That was very strange for me, because usually I'd be able to get 99% of what the teachers are saying. Suddenly, I wasn't able to understand 1%. It was as though they were speaking Latin.

I went to Doctors. They suggested anti-depressants. I didn't take them. If I was alone, I would have, but my father went through the very same condition when he was 30 and explained to me just how bad this shit is.

So I went to a Russian naturopathy doctor (and I mean Doctor with an MD, not some tribal medicine woman.) and told her everything. She gave me some herbs and teas (simple stuff, I know most of them), changed my diet, and got me some vitamins. I'm not saying that these things cured me. There is no magic cure. But they help, much in the same way as anti-depressants, to make you feel calm and allow you to think clearly. Thinking clearly was a big thing for me. I didn't even understand it at the time, but my mind was completly floating when I was under my "condition". Sometimes, hours seemed to pass as seconds, and at other times - the opposite. I saw everything as though I was high, but not on something nice and happy.

So now, after changing my diet, drinking teas and taking vitamins, starting Yoga and swimming, I was still depressed, still had some panic/stress attacks at that point, but I could think. I was myself again. This was important. This is when my good friend from New York called me and asked how I was doing. I told him a brief summery, and he said I had to go hiking with him. I said I couldn't, it was far, and my Doctor didn't like it, but he convinced me to. So I went. A 5 day, incredibly intense hike (the guy is nearly a professional) followed by some sea kayaking and swimming lessons (he's also a swimming instructor). I think this helped me more than all the vitamins and herbs combined. My friend told me that when he was of my age, a similar thing happened to him and he cured it through physical activity. Stress and anxiety comes out with sweat. He says that whenever he stops his intense physical activity for more than 2 days (and by intense I mean swimming, kayaking, yoga, running and hiking, often in the same day) he begins to feel his past condition.

So I started eating better. Getting more exercise (I now do Yoga, martial arts, swimming, running and some outdoor sports whenever I can), meditating, etc. This is, I must tell you, not as simple as a magic pill. But even in today's fast society, the magic cure doesn't seem to appeal to me as much. I want to actually cure myself, rather than get some relief. I want to feel happy and normal.

Today I am in University again, and am doing very well. I am in a better shape than ever, I have many friends, I think that my mind is sharper than it ever was. I don't think anti-depressants would give you that.

So, let's summarize. Please, for your own sake, take the harder path. Try to understand the problem, try to improve yourself. Cure the imbalance in your body. Then you will be ready to fix your social problems. If you ask me, I suggest for you to start from physical activity and removal of junk food from your diet (if it's there right now). Yoga is definatly something you should consider.

 

winterashes-
I know how you feel.
I was terrified to go out because people would stare at me like I am a freak from another planet. I've found the best thing to do is to smile at them, and just generally kill them with kindness. Then see who feels like the stupid one, lol.
I still have trouble, even when being nice sometimes. That's just when I have to put my foot down. Like the other day, I had to go to the government building to find out what I needed for maternity benifits. The secretary wouldn't even let me past the desk at first to let me talk to a councillor (sp?). I finally just told her that I just wanted to see someone, and that she had to let me if I needed it. She finally let me through. Then when i got in to talk to the councillor, he was a major prick. I told him what I needed, and he started going off about unemployment insurance, how I was lazy and needed to learn how to go get a job. i couldn't believe it. I finally had to stand up and say, "look, all I want to know is what I need for maternity benifits, that's all. I work, and I'm not lazy." He finally told me what I needed, and I left.
As for people driving by.....blah. I hate that. It's hard not to get pissed off. But those people generally just do that to anyone they see on the side of the road. It's really annoying.
That one old friend that i was talking about, though, is just like that one that you were talking about. I hate always having to tip-toe around her feelings while she makes me feel like shit. It's just a power trip for them. I've started to just speak my mind now, and even though she'll get pissy and not talk to me for a few weeks, she usually comes back and treats me with more respect.
I just want to make some friends now.
It's really hard to start a conversation with someone, though, when you have nothing to talk about other than watching tv. I just have nothing in common with anyone, it seems, though. Everytime that I do start to talk to someone, they just talk baout going to the bar and being drunk. That;s it. There's more to life than not remembering what you did on the weekend.

 

syntax-
I know what you mean about the food stuff. I actually eat nothing but healthy foods. It did make me feel better, but very minimal.
as for physical stuff, that I must agree with. when I did have some friends where I'm from, they built this leasure center with all kinds of things in it. I would go with one of my good friends at least 3 times a week, and I felt GREAT! then we would go rollerblading and biking afterwards. It made me feel awsome.
I just am having a problem finding people to go with. That's where the whole "friends" thing comes into play. If I do things by myself, I start to feel worse than better. It's really annoying. I just feel happier when I'm out doing things with people.
I was looking into the yoga classes here, and they're really expensive. I want to go really bad, but I just can't afford it. I was thinking of getting some of those at home ones...but I dont want to screw anything up. I've never done it before.
It just seems like a frustrating circle, know what I mean?

 

happy_happy_joy_joy

hey i think i feel like you somehow...i chaged of school this year and i made no friends... SOme times i was not in a make-friends-mood , other times it was that i am too shy... honestly, i think i have a problem at relationships or sth... i only speak to ppl when they speak to me, i can´t start a conversation, and the conversations i have with new people are boring... i can only have conversations on msn, or with my friends ( i think i have about...hmmm 2 friends?? maybe they are not my friends either...). I think my problem is not only that i am shy, but also that i went through bad times because of my "ex-friends", i felt most of the time lik e" the more i give, the less i get"... After that i thought " i don´t need nobody but me" but i can´t have that attitude the whole time, so i feel lonnely... it´s like if i was living in the past, calling friends to my old friends, u know, they still think of me as a friend , but they have also NEW friends, and i dont... i don´t think i will be good at realationships never...

anyway, for example today, i just don´t give a damn about that... sometimes i think realation-ships give too many problems in comparation with the good things they give... i wanna spend some time alone to know myself better and to accept myself and then i will try to make new friends... (maybe the problem is that that deep inside me i hate myself- at least i think i do somehow)

so, u see, you are not the only person in the world with that kind of problems, you are not a weirdo! i think you should think why you are so shy, and then, if you want to, try to change it... and if you can´t change it.. u can enjoy yourself alone... thinking, meditating and stuff like that, i love spending time alone

( sorry for my english! )

 

wow you just explained what makes me tick HHJJ

 

You can talk to me anytime. Just MSN/AIM me and I'll be on!

 

I have a fair amount of experience raising animals...Horses,Llamas,even dogs.they are all social animals as are we humans. Anyone of these animals would get stressed and get depressed if they were left alone for a long time. Humans need to be social to be happy.We need to be touched, and to see each other, and to watch out for each other,and to talk.

If you put a pregnant mare or llama out by themselves they feel an instinctive need to stay alert,to watch out for danger.Eventually they get exhausted and can get sick and die.If you have a group together they take turns,while most can relax ,eat,or play. The same is true with us,we need our tribe,our family,our gang. There is something wrong with the way we separate everyone into age groups, job titles, and what not.

I hope you can find your crew,wherever they are..they probably need you as much as you need them.

 

Hey there, sweetie. I know that healthy foods only minimally helped, did you try any nutritional suppliments? 5-HTP (precursor to seratonin) and Dopamine (found in Mucuna Pruriens or Fava Beans) may help to rebalance your depression. It does fairly well for me. If you'd like some online sources for this stuff just PM or e-mail me... (e-mail attached below)

Do you have any interests, like poetry or music? A lot of places, i.e. coffee shops, have open mike poetry night, and to go and see a local show doesn't usually cost very much. That puts you in places with people of the same interests, you know? It makes it much easier to start a dialogue: "What did you think of that poem?" "Wow, this band is pretty good, are you a big fan?" etc. I know it sounds dumb, but it works pretty well for me. And if they blow you off, they weren't worth the time in the first place, because you sound sweet to me.

BTW, working out is a great thing to help keep your depression in check. I think you should go regardless of whether or not someone will go with you. Of course, if you need someone to talk to, you can always e-mail me...

HippieLngstckng@yahoo.com

 

Sorry I haven't said anything in a while. I had to take a trip to my mom's place to get my head in order for a few days. Wish I didn't have to come back.....blah.
It's actually surprising to hear that there's other people who are going through this too. My mom was saying that I must have this "paranoia" thing that they diagnosed my dad with years ago. The reason why, is that whenever I even try to imagine starting a conversation with someone in my head, I imagine them turning and looking at me like I'm a freak, and saying, "don't fucking talk to me you ugly little piece of shit." So I look away and don't bother. It's PATHETIC!!!!! i hate it! Things like that have actually happened to me in the past.....it hurt like hell and now I'm just to scared to even try. I feel like a wimp. I can't even ask a bus driver a simple question with out feeling like they're going to say something like that.
I just know, that if I can somehow get over that, I wouldn't have a problem at all. That's what happened when I went on the anti-depressants; I just stopped being shy and I actually had a personality! It was nice!
As for places to go around here....I still have some looking to do. Since this is a college town, all most of the people are doing is out at the bar every single night. Honestly, that's about all that I've ever found. But I'm still looking.

la_ninfa:
you just desribed me. That was freaky.
I know what you mean about your conversations seeming boring when you meet someone. I have the EXACT same problem. Someone will say something to me, for example, and then I suddenly start to think, "oh shit, say something smart or they'll think you're stupid," and I end up fucking up what I was going to say and then they end up giving me this, "yeah.....sure....." look and nothing is left but akward silence. That is ALWAYS the senario. About the only people who I can talk to are sales people and stuff because they're PAID to talk to me...and even they walk away. It's weird. It's like I'm wearing a big stamp on my head saying, "don't even waste your time with me, I'm a freak and you'll hate me." I've been told by old friends that is actually what the impression is that I give people when I first see them.
Anyway, sorry for the long post again.
As soon as I can get that stupid msn working again, I'll be sure to be talkin to you guys who left me addresses and stuff. thanx!

 

I think i recognize that a bit. I have a light form of Autism, so I would normally never start a conversation, or take any normal initiative in conversation. Talking with other people can be tricky; I just don't know what to sasy/do next. I only think "What should a normal person do now?"... Only, I pretty much manage to save myself from social death at times like that.

 

Sweetie, it sounds like you have S.A.D. (Social Anxiety Disorder) This is very treatable with meds from your doc, although I'll look into natural suppliments - I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to "go natural" when I can.

I'll keep you posted!