Dealing with Porn....

i think the dudes an asshole. but most nice chicks date assholes. most nice guys i know are chronically single. its hard to sympathize with women sometimes, cus even the nice ones treat me bad and fuss and fawn over assholes. we create our own destinies though, and to be honest the nic ce guys who are chronically single are probably better off, minus the frustration and lonliness. but just because a person lets themselves in an abusive situation, is no exuse for abuse, or accepting abbuse. if youre not being treated like gold, at least most of the time, its time to get yourself single, provide for yourself, and get on with your life, cus it is short. you can put it off for a month, but that month will turn into a year, or two or three. and youre wasting your time and your chances at happiness.
if your with a man who wants to turn you into a porn star, and you dont want to be a porn star, then get out. if your partner depends on butt sex for his sanity and you dont like butt sex, then youre not made for eachother. you have to strive to be free and comfortable and happy. dude obviously dont love this chick, but at one point convinced her to love him. she's still clinging to this, he knows it, and he's gonna use that against her until she leaves. he aint gonna change.

 

ok, I didn't get a chance to read every single post in this thread because I'm tired but I'm posting what happened to me with porn so you can see how far and bad this can damage someone.


I met this particual person when I was 16. I was happy and really didn't have big self esteem issues then. He was abusive and one of those ways was with porn. It got to the point of him ignoring me for porn. Everyday I would be put in a position where I had to constantly fight for attention. It took over my life. His obession with porn hurt me and then that turned into an obession for me... an obession of "catching him" so I could scream at him which made it worse(wrong I know now). I remeber one time he wanted me to get under the computer desk and preform a "favor" for him while he looked at porn and pretended it was them... I get sick thinking of that. It made me wonder day and night why am I not good enough? Why doesn't he want me? It got to the point of me having severe depression. I'd cry everyday, I'd get violently ill and throw up I even wanted to die. His obsession with porn turned into cheating. From this whole experiance I am no longer the same. I stayed for 4 years of this and it pretty much destroyed me. I stayed because I was young and had childern with him, I was so scared of being alone because I felt no one would ever love me again especially because I had kids. He put that into my head. It took me awhile to deprogram that thinking(pretty much the whole relationship)... I had men in my life after this who were good to me that I just discarded out of fear of going through anything like this again. I am in a relationship now with a guy who can't stand porn thank god....I am constantly suspicious of him and I am very scared about the future but what can I do besides take it one day at a time. I have to everyday try my hardest to not to blame my b/f of doing things(because hes not) and I think I'm doing a good job of trying to heal and trust again. The point is an obession with porn can hurt someone very much. If talking to him will not make it better than leave before it destroys you. It will only get worse and so will his behavior. Eventually porn will not be enough and it may move on to something else...then again it may not. But, the choice is yours on what to do. If you can fix it all fix it. If not don't bother hurting yourself over it.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.. I hope you are feeling better now, recovering from that horrible time.. and just for the record (and coming from a girl): you are unbelievably pretty.. just checked out your gallery.. that guy must have been out of his mind to treat you so horrible and wanting you to go down on him under a desk instead of under a spotlight, where he can see you! You're absolutely gorgous and from the times I stumble into your posts I'm pretty sure you have a beautiful character as well.. you're a very young mommy but I'm sure you make the best mom those pretty kids of you could wish in the world!

Anyways.. yeah.. addiction is horrible.. and I can imagine that an addiction to porn hits the spouse there where it hurts mosts: in the (sexual) selfesteem. Addiction is impossible to treat if the addict doesn't realise there is a problem.. and yeah.. in that case you have to make sure you get out of the (potentially) abusive situation or in case of no abuse, make sure you don't get dragged down.

However.. I will stick to my general point of view that not all things people like to do (drinking alcohol, smoking pot, watching porn, gaming) leads to addiction and that not all addictions lead to abuse.

Best of luck to the OP and to you, earthy yummy mama
I hope that both of you find a better guy, who's only addiction will be you! (but not in the stalky kinda way ofcourse )

 

I was in an abusive relationship similar to the OP once. It started with my boyfriend wanting to try all the things he saw in porn, pushing me to do the things he wanted and giving me a hard time if I refused. He was really into porn, there was a point where he talked about it almost all the time. After a while I finally started flat out refusing his little sexual experiments. I didn't end up breaking from the relationship until he raped me one afternoon while I was haning out at his house with him. He no longer would take no for an answer, and seemed to think I liked the things he did to me. In his porn, of course, the women seemed to always be happy with the man afterwards and I think he expected the same of me.

Whatever you do, realize that what this man is doing to you at least borders on dangerous, especially since he seems to have no respect for you and treats you like an object more than a partner.

I have nothing against porn, just like I have nothing against alcohol. But what that stuff can do to some people is just scary. Be careful.

 

Exactly

 

I think if your uncomfortable with something, you need to present your opinion to other people. If he cares enough about you, he will stop, you need to have a long talk with him. I dont belive its natural for a man to be a "dog" like people say and be obsessed with sex. its just what they are led to belive by society.

 

Porn is kinda like anal sex...it makes some people uncomfortable. If you love someone...I mean truley love someone...you can give either of them up just to make sure that they are comfortable.

 

The post that made the most sense to me are "Velvets."

He is a guy like me and can understand our urges for porn, among other things in life. A woman talking about how men should feel about porn is like a guy trying to talk about how women's hormones work.

As with Velvet, here is my(a guys) opinion also on this.....

Porn is not the problem, I REPEAT, the porn is not the problem. Porn is just an activity to get off when they are horny or just to relieve stress, like for instance, lifting weights. A lot of guys lift weights, some are addicted to it, in order to change chemicals in a man's body to get stronger and also to relieve himself from stress.

Most of the time I masturbate to porn not because I'm really horny at the moment or want to have a relationship with the girl I see on the screen, it's just an "aid" to help climax in order to help take things off my mind. It feeling good while doing it is a plus.

Women use vibrators or other things to help get them off, for men, a visual image of a girl they think is hot in a porn helps to get them off. Guys aren't in love with the girl on the screen, plus it's not an actual girl he's touching, he is just using the video as an image to help climax, just like a girl using a vibrator to help climax. Porn and vibrators, both aren't actually touching another person in real life, one is just a visual and the other is just an plastic object. It's not actually doing it with or being in love with that visual or object. It's just an "aid."

What IS the problem.......

is that he is disrespecting her. Whether he watches porn or not, that's not the underlining problem, yah, he might get influenced by the porn to use against her, but that's like a criminal blaming a violent movie for his crime.

The problem is that he disrespects her. He probably disrespects her in other parts of their lives. If he does it in the bedroom, he does it in the kitchen, living room, in the car, etc etc. for other reasons other than porn.

She needs to put him in a position where he needs to get help, get a compromise, or leave if he continues to disrespect her. As long as she continues to let him disrespect her, he will be thinking, "Hey, I can get away with this, I'll just do it again and again and again."

She has the power to do something about it or leave. She doesn't, then he will continue it. If you wait or hope for a change, that's a loser position to be in and she should expect to be taken advantage over and over and over again.

 

I agree.... Its only porn... How about you try to watch it together... There is nothing wrong with it.... It doesnt mean that he doesnt love you or find you attractive... Men have a much stronger sex drive than women.. So let him watch it.. and be happy that hes at home and not out cheating on you

 

I have to disagree with that.

 

I dont think there is anything wrong with watching porn, its is good to indulged in fanasties, and by watching porn most men can watch things the will never expeirence. But him making you do things in bed that you dont want to do is bullshit. He isnt worth a fuck if he is treating his wife like this! And dont except that men are dogs, because all of us are not! I think you and him need to sit down and seriouly talk about this. Some kind of compermise is neccisary! And dont give into his bullshit! I hope it all works out for you sweetheart.

 

We can argue about the morality of pornography all we want, but the fact is that there are plenty of people who watch porn and don't disrespect their partner. I'm not a fan, but I at least recognize that. The problem isn't that he likes porn, the problem is that he does disrespect her. And Glenn made a good point, he may get ideas from the movies, but that's not what's causing him to act like this.There has to be a deeper problem here. And way early in the thread, people suggested therapy. That seems like a good idea to me.

 

LOL

Sweety... I don't have a weewee.. I'm alllll girl

 

Hmm

I personally don't have a problem with porn. As long as it's just fantasy, I think it is fine. But you shouldn't be doing things you don't want to, especially sexually. In relationships, everyone tries to compromise, but. So, are you both disappointed with your sex lives? I can understand that it bothers you that much, if it seems so important to him. Maybe try watching one that isn't so degrading and based on a fantasy/situation you both would enjoy? I find it ridiculous to not expect men to give up this aspect of life either. Me & my bf watch porn, but I would never tolerate strip clubs or anything of the sort. Porn is not physcial cheating. I was a lil uncomfy at first watching it with him, but he paid so much more attention to me, than to the movie. It was kind of a sexual aid, something different for the time being. I don't mind if he looks at it alone either as long as he's open about it. He used to be upset about me using my vibe at one time too.
If he is addicted though, get therapy or get out! Your personal self worth should not be affected detrimentally because of his libido or distance from reality. I also disagree that men have a higher sexual appetite. I find this to be an excuse women use to excuse things they don't like & men to do as they want, like they are single, even when they are not.
I also find women to be too controlling about this, it's not like women don't fantasize about other people when they are married or in relationships. From what I hear from guys they don't fantasize in such detail as women do, so maybe they need a lil help to set the setting.

 

It is ironic that you say this because I just read a study which stated that 70% of all men who do watch porn are less attracted to their current partners and have asked them to undergo surgery to change them. When a man or woman starts to believe that what they see in porn is the real world, their ideas can be very distorted and they start to believe that real life should be like porn. I mean just think about it, your wife is average, but at one point you were in love with her, including her subtle beauty. But after a year or so of constantly watching porn with so many fake body parts and all of the primping these people go through then pretend to be in real life situations, you start looking at your wife, and wonder, if only she had larger breasts, or if only she had a flatter stomach. It really does mess with your head over time.

Now, I personally like to watch porn on occasion (like 3 times a year) with my boyfriend, and I do like to experiment in the bedroom (or where ever), but there is no way in hell my boyfriend would ever ask me to change my appearance for him or ask me to do anything that he knew I was not comfortable with. I have a much higher sex drive than my boyfriend and I know you will all say that men and women are different and I do agree, but most adults are able to control themselves and know the difference between right and wrong. Hurting your partner on any level is wrong.

And suggesting that at least he isn't out with a whore, isn't really helping. I mean if someone chopped off your arm, would you just turn around and say oh let him go free, at least he didn't chop off both arms. Don't be ridiculous in excusing this behavior.

 

Oooops!! Heh heh!! Even better then!!

 

Hehe.. no prob Just a little more down to earth and openminded than a lot of other (american?) girls here I guess.. maybe due to the fact that I'm from the Netherlands.. we're not so anal about sex education, premarital sex, porn etc etc as I think the US often is. There are girls out here who don't like porn ofcourse.. but to each their own right? Mostly Christian girls though.. but that's alike for Christian guys I guess.

Funny thing is that they bash porn completely while having little to no knowledge about it. Most of their critique is from hear-say.. "women are treated as lust objects!".. "women are forced!"... eh.. yeah right.. so the fact that there are female porn producers doesn't seem to count.. nor does the fact that female pornstars own way more money than male pornstars.. and all the girls who work at Hooters are forced to do so and all those indecent girls will end up with an abusive husband, 4 kids and a crack addiction..

Ah well.. as long as they whine online at least they don't whine to their bf's