Child Abuse

im not sure if this should be posted here, but i wanted to ask this: when does disipline for a child/teenager cross the line and become child abuse, when it goes to the extreme. to a certain extent, i believe in maybe whipping or smaking a younger/older child, but not abuse - and im wondering if thats a contradiction. because i know beating is a different thing, and i want to know the difference between getting beat and just being disiplined. im wondering for myself, its something i have always thought about but never really got a straight answer for.

i know that its abuse to like burn a child or starve a child for doing something wrong, but i mean when your physically hurting a child, when should it stop? i have my own opinion and fear violation at times, and id really like to know what youd think.

 

There are many different opinions on this very 'touchy' subject. In my opinion, words are just as powerful as physical action, especially if you are effective in how you speak to children. Taking away a priviledge, like toys or friends, teach a child how to earn their 'rights', and goes alot further than spanking them and sending them to a room or a chair. Talking to a child and telling them why what they may have done is wrong is also vital; sure, you can tell them 'BAD!!!', or 'DON'T DO THAT', but without reasoning behind your words, they only feel physical pain and have no idea why you gave it to them, and could possibly coerce them into doing the bad 'deed' again.

 

It's abuse when it is *not necessary* to enact a "discipline" on a child.

Say a child does something wrong. Say, he breaks a vase or something. You have to stop and think, what needs to be done? Why did the vase break? Say the kid was playing ball in the house. So, tell the child that from now on, he needs to go outside to play ball, and that because he broke the vase, he has to do some work to make up for it. Then, maybe have him do a couple of chores around the house, and then tell him it's okay. If he doesn't do the chores (if he doesn't atone for his mistake), then he has to be punished; either something should be revoked or he has to be grounded or something. It may even be a good idea to say "you're grounded UNTIL you do this chore to make up for it." Eventually, the child will come around. Under none of these circumstances is it NECESSARY to spank or hit the child, or grab him by the hair or do any of these things. Say the child then throws a temper tantrum and has a fit. THEN maybe a spanking is necessary, and wouldn't be considered out of line, because the child is out of line. But if the child is not unreasonable and unruly, then the discipline used should also not be unreasonable and unruly.

What is necessary is discipline. What is unnecessary is abuse.

 

It becomes abuse when someone else finds out.

 

By law(in cali at least) child abuse happens if ANY implement other than a hand is used and/or they are hit anywhere other than the bottom.

I think there are some other disclaimers in there(I can't really remember from my counselor job), but if either or those two are violated, it starts looking like abuse.

In my opinion, BTW, physical punishment is wrong and unnecesary. I was never spanked, will never spank, and think spanking is just a sign that the parent doesn't know what else to do.

PEace

 

I agree.

I think alot of the time parents take out their frustrations and anger on their kids and call it discipline.

It's a pretty cowardly thing.

 

legally, one can only hit their kid on the butt, with an open hand, and so that it will not leave a (physical) mark.

morally, one cannot hit their kid.

 

my parents never spanked, but I did get my mouth and hand smacked a few times. I certainly wouldn't call it abuse. It was a last resort disciplinary tactic. I don't know if I'll ever smack or spank if I have a child someday. I like the bartering method better. every child has something that means a lot to them that can be used to teach good behavior.

 

It should stop BEFORE you physically hurt the child. There is never a reason to strike a child. See the Parenting Forum, for more info on BETTER, less lazy ways to discipline children. No one learns anything from being HIT.

 

^^^ive never known anyone that hasnt been hit or smacked or whatnot that also isnt a displine problem. i sure dont want to raise my kids like that, at the most i'll smack my child, but very personally my parents dont believe in that...and issues are arising because of it (at least with my father). i dont want my kids raised in some ways the way i was raised/am being raised. seriously, im asking, children who get no physical disipline and only get possessions taken away from them, do they really learn and are obedient??

 

Eh ... coming from a family where I could have had my dad jailed for abuse if I wasn't still dependent on him for college education loans ( ), I didn't become the person I am today because they smacked me around, that's for sure. There are definately better ways to treat a child, there are better, more civilized, and more effective ways to punish a child than to smack him/her around. I think the absolute ONLY reason why a child would need to be physically disciplined (spanked, or something less severe like standing in the corner or mouth washed out with soap or something) would be if they're physically unruly to the point where they're throwing things and breaking stuff. Then, it's probaby a wise choice to detain them and establish some form of superiority, but not for the sake of establishing superiority, for the sake of settling the child down. Better to settle him/her down by keeping a calm voice and reasoning with them than to hit them or spank them, anyway; it shouldn't ever have to come down to a spanking, etc. if you're a good parent.

 

well, i don't think it's either hit them, or take their possessions away. there are other options.

first, there has to be a good relationship, built on mutual respect, between parent and child.. and you can't foster that relationship by beating someone.

the parent needs to look at the problem and fix the cause. if the kid is playing with toys and doesnt get his homework done, you could take away the toys until the hw is done, or restrict access to them till it's done. or you could say, "no tv until after your hw." and if they dont listen restrict all access to the tv if need be. if it gets real bad and you come home and your kid is watching tv without having finished his homework, make sure the tv/s are locked in your room or take away cable until he gets in a good pattern. likewise, if your kid can't make it home by cerfew, you can take the car keys or remove the front bike tire. so sometimes it works and is appropriate to take things away in that sense.

you could put the kid in a "time out" or ground her if she's older. of course, if you send your kid to her room and she's got a tv, computer, phone, and such, she won't mind being sent there. so you could put her in time out at the kitchen table, or cut off cable/internet access to her room when shes grounded, etc.

not being hit should be every child's right (well, the right of every person no matter what their age)... not a priviledge. taking away priviledges would work better than simply taking possessions.

also, there's a lot to be said for actually communicating with your kid. lets say her grades are slipping, and you're angry... maybe she has add or cannot see the board and needs glasses.

there are things you can actually do for your kid to prevent bad behavior. if there is an 8-year old playing ball in the house and running around breaking things, sign her up for soccer, for example. your kid will love you for it so much more than if you smacked her.

 

Kid breaks your vase? Break his legs...LOL. No I'm kidding.

I got spanked as a kid, and I turned out alright...I don't hate my dad for it. I think abuse is when the child is physically hurt...I got spanked..but my dad never broke my ass bone or anything lol. It just hurt a lot *which was the point*. He said it always worked to shut me up when I threw a tantrum, so I guess it's alright.

 

yea, i definatly agree with this statement. i mean, on a more personal level, my dad could be jailed for abuse too. not to nessisarily compare our situations (cause i dont know the whole story), but i agree, all of the 'disipline' ive gotten these past few years, nah they havent made me into the person i am, whereas i like how i am. im fearing that the line may have been crossed in my case on a few occasions, but im lucky to not be alone either at the same time. but at the same time....the older i get....but anyway, i agree. and its hard to say this about myself cause ive never talked about it, but i seriously want to kno about 'crossing the line', thanks for the input so far people..