Power_13's Official Bad Joke Thread

A cyclops is a person who has only one eye. "there's the one I'd get"..."there's the one eyed git"...geddit?

It is the only joke that, the more you have to explain it, the funnier it gets

 

Two guys walk into a bar.

You'd think the 2nd guy would've seen it.

A string goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says we don't serve strings here, so the string leaves, unravels a few threads from his top end and ruffles them up. He goes back in, orders, and the bartender says arent you that string I just kicked out?
Nope, Frayed Knot.
What did the termite ask the bartender?
Is this bar tender?

 

aaahhhh hahaha hahaha! actually laughing my ass off, god i am dim!
although thats not strictly speaking a tremendously bad joke!!

how does bob marley have his toast in the morning?.....






wi' jammin!

 

Actually, it's "is the bar tender here?"

 

I have a confession to make! I laughed! *Hangs head in shame*

 

Its all downhill from here now Mr Sal

 

what's brown and half eaten?







the popes easter egg

 

A duck walks into a pub and goes to the bar.

"Alright, barman, I'll have a pint of John Smiths and a pack of roast nuts."
"What the hell...you're a talking duck!" The barman exclaims.
"Yeah." The duck said. "I'm working on the building site across the road. Thought I'd come in during my break for a beer and something to eat."


The duck came in again the next day, and every day for a couple of weeks after that. He'd always come in, waddle up to the bar and, much to the surprise of those around him, talk to the barman.

One day, he came in and waddled up. "Alright, bartender. Same as usual, please mate."

The bartender picked up a glass and began pulling a beer. "Hey,I have good news!" He said. "There's a circus in town, and I know the owner. I was talking to him last night and told him about you. He's very interested in hiring you!"

The duck looked up in surprise. "The circus?"
"The circus!"
"With clowns and lions?"
"Yep!"
"And a ringmaster, and elephants?"
"Yep!"
"And trapeze artists and the big top?"
"Yep."




"What the fuck do they want a plasterer for?"

 

this one could be torturous...

knock knock

 

Who'sThere ?

 

B.B. King was in a small English roadside cafe during one of his tours, and he picked up a bottle.

"Whutsthisere sauce?"

And that, boys and girls, is how Worcestershire sauce got its name

 

ha ha ha....no really, it was a good one this time

 

whats black n white & does 50 miles an hour?.......




a nun on a push bike with no seat!..........

hehehe hahaha

 

..why don't i get it?

 

why are hurricans named after women?


when they arrive they're wet & wild.
then when they leave they f**k off with your house & your car.

 

that's 'when they come', not 'when they arrive'. And I've heard the punchline of that nun joke before, but the joke was completely different, so it was actually funny, but I don't remember it.

Mahatma Ghandi was a wonderful human being. He used to walk everywhere bare foot so he had some hard skin on his soles. He often went on hunger strike so he had weak bones and bad breath. He was of course an important spiritual leader.

In other words he waaaas...

a Super-caloused-fragile-mystic hexed by halitosis.

I loved that time travelling composers one.

 

Three ducks are blowing bubbles in the pond. A police man stops by, and arrests them. The ducks are taken to prison to await thier trial. Finally the trial day comes and the ducks face the judge. The judge calls the first duck. "State your name and what you were doing!", the judge proclaims. "My name is duckey duck, and I was blowing bubbles in the pond", replies the duck. The judge calls the second duck. "State your name and what you were doing!", the judge proclaims. "My name is duckey duck, and I was blowing bubbles in the pond", replies the duck. The judge then looks at the third duck and says: "Let me guess... your name is duckey duck and you were blowing bubbles in the pond?". The duck replies: "No man, my name is bubbles!".

 

whats white and slithers across the dance floor?


cum dancing hehehe

 

Craig Smith was a 40 year old man with a strange obsession ; he loved the circus. So much that, when he discovered that a circus was passing through his hometown, he just had to go!

He bought front row seats, right where the action was. The show started, with lions and tamers and jugglers and trapeze artists and clowns. The lead clown noticed Craig sat in the front row, with no children under his supervision, and realised this grown man had come all on his own. He decided to make fun of poor Craig

He motioned to the audience for silence, then picked his microphone up and approached the man.
"Tell me, sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
Craig was quite taken aback by the sudden turn of attention towards himself. "No..."
"And tell me sir, are you the back end of an ass?"
"No..."
"Well then sir, you must be no end of an ass!" The audience exploded into laughter as Craig leapt from his seat and ran for the exit, tears in his eyes.


Six months later, the circus passed through town again. Determined not to let this clown ruin his enjoyment of circus, Craig bought another front seat ticket.

The lead clown noticed him again and, halfway through the show, approached poor Craig again.

"So, sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No..."
"Are you the back end of an ass?"
"No!"
"Well, sir, you must be no end of an ass!" Craig burst into tears as he bolted for the exit again, the roaring laughter of the audience ringing in his ears.

Craig was desperate not to let this clown's mean antics ruin his circus experience, so he finally consulted a professional wit to construct the perfect put-down line. The wit spent an entire day coming up with the line that would leave the clown speechless and defeated, and finally gave it to Craig with the instruction to practice in front of a mirror four hours every day. Craig gratefully paid his £200 and started his intense training for six months. Every morning, he'd wake up and practice for hours on end, imagining the look on the clown's face as he delivered the line. For six months, he worked on getting every single detail of his tone, expression and timing perfect.

Finally, the circus came by again.

Craig bought the same front seat ticket as always, and sat with an unassuming yet confident posture.

The clown already knew to look out for his favourite victim, and grinned with glee when he saw him. Savouring his show-stopping joke, he waited until the very end of his act before he walked to Craig again.

"Hello, sir, tell me...are you the front end of an ass?"
"No."
"Well, are you the back end of an ass?"
Craig pretended to consider his answer for a few seconds. "No."
"Well then sir, you must be no end of an ass!"

Craig smiled as he stepped up from his seat and gently took the clown's microphone away. As the audience looked on in quiet surprise, he stared straight into the clown's eyes and delivered the killer line...













"Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard!"