Eggs, Swallowing, and Fella's... you're gonna love what I say!!!

So, I've been having some tough times until recently, but I've found these awesome forums to be my little outlet... my zone... where I can chill out... and express my crazy, whimsical ideas; like this one that I am about to share.

A friend of mine and I were conversing last night via AIM, and he asked me what I did wrong to deserve all of the work that has recently been shat into my realm of existence... and since I was rather high on life, and had finally found the time to break open my new bottle of Jerry Garcia Cabernet (I love the man, and the wine made in his honor almost equally!), I decided that I would reply with a smartass remark... this person behind the other concoction of plastic, wires, and glass- this man, was my ex roomate... a wonderful classical and operatic vocalist... but his shit is too hot for his own good... if you catch my drift....

So, somewhat drunken reply, I said "Man, I'll tell you what I did.... "
"See.... I was the sperm that got tricked into eating my way into the egg and then got trapped inside.... all the other guys told me there was free beer inside... and it was all a cruel joke that manifested with my birth exactly 9 months later on Dec 15th, 1983."
This is kinda ironic, because my dad has lately been rubbing it in that I am a member of this family, and a product of his loins.... I keep telling him that I hope I did some damage while I was swimming around in there... maybe that's why he's had frequent Urinary Tract Infections ever since... Dad and I are like two grumpy old me, but best friends at the same time... and me, being the rather down to earth cat that I am, I can take pretty much all the jivin' reels he skips my way in regards to my creation and the products thereof.... Now that my little brother, who is 7 years younger than me has grown up... kinda... he now has to take the same, graphic, yet true vocal immorality that our father, a renouned Presbyterian Minister, dishes out on a daily basis when he thinks no one is watching. See how this twisted dichotemy works in the first place?

Anyways, all my life I have struggled with the issues of creation by God (which after learning Hebrew, like a good minister's son, I am increasingly skeptical of by all Christian and Hebraic accounts), and also the true, basic elemental and physical methods of creation that all of us are unified as human beings by at one level or another... That is to say.... We have all, instinctively, had a hunger for eggs... even when we were at our microbial stages of life... swimming like some kinda strange white space rocket... all in a race to get to that strange glowing orb that was inside of our mothers... I believe in her uterus... but I am not going to claim to be an authority on the physical location of the female egg.
So, when we reduce ourselves to that level... what kinds of thoughts are now kindled inside the furnace of your mind? Do you still eat eggs now that you've progressed molecularly (sp?) and physically, and how come almost every species of animal out there.... snakes, birds, fish... etc... either eat their own young, or eat eggs at some point in their lives.... Is this a way of decreasing the risk of overpopulation on our planet, or is it instinctive for mammals, particularly, to eat eggs???

Then, for the gents out there who have probably come up with this idea on their own.... how come we end up eating what comes from between the legs of all these various female species... whether it's licking the pussiological region downstairs... or if it's an Egg McMuffin at MacDonald's, and howcome it's so hard for you ladies to return the favor in that true, and rather graphic case... Those who have seen D.L.'s wrap on Comedy Central know the benefits of fellatio... so why is this such a hard thing to ask.... hmmmm???? Ladies, there is simply no excuse.... you must start paying us back for what we do... and we're gonna help you by saving your lives.... Make with the head, and help make the world a better place! It'll reduce the population ('cause you know we're gonna go to sleep after we cum... that's also instinctive!) and it'll benefit both genders... so hop to it! Run outside, find a penis, and suck it dry ladies! It'll decrease your risk of breast cancer, and it'll decrease our risk of prostate cancer... and also cheatin' on you with some tramp side-show hussy like Monica Lewinski! I bet Bill only left Hillary (who really may be the better looking of the two women, if you ask me), just 'cause she wasn't makin' with the head at night.... So go on... let's get healthy, and fight cancer together.... I'm not askin' for deep throat even.... I've choked every girl I've tried that with... but just gettin' it in your mouth would be nice enough... and then that tingle after I'm done with my end of the deal.... That's what it's all about... that and promoting good vibes for all... and this way, we can bring balance to the insanely imbalanced practice of eating eggs... whether human, chicken, duck, fish or whatever... it's all the same to me, baby!!! IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!

 

Haha great great man...yo we should've definitely chilled while we were on our little road trip in Clinton,SC. You seem really down to earth. But yea...great lil article/ essay!