Musician jokes (drummers beware)

Q. How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A. The knocking speeds up, and he never knows when to come in.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Why bother? The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Q. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A. Drool.

 

Oh, one more :

Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A. New Age music.

 

what is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline

so this violist comes home. the fire department and the police department there. he wonders what the hell happend.

the fire marshal and the police chief come up to him and start to tell him what happend: the conductor came to his house killed his family, and thier pet dog, chopped them up in to little bits. then he set the house on fire.

the violist is stunned, and exstatic and says,' the conductor came to my house!"

hmm

 

A drummer walks into a shop, and the owner asks him if he can help.

The drummer says that he's thinking of learning a new instrument and asks the shop owner if he can try out an electric guitar.

The shop owner says, "You're a drummer arn't you," and the drummer is stunned and says "Yeah, how the hell did you know that?!"

And the owner says....

"This is a chip shop."

 

heh heh... funny

 

lmao viola jokes are the best! But since I don't know any...


Q. What's the difference between a saxaphone & a chainsaw?
A. The saxaphone can do vibrato.

Something you'll never hear:
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

 

Q. what do you do with a guitar player that can't play?
A. give him two sticks and make him a drummer.

Q. what do you do with a drummer who can't play?
A. take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor

Q. Whats the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band?
A. "hey guys, I wrote a song!"

 

Man goes on vacation in Africa. He gets off the plane and hears drumming. He rides in the taxi to his hotel and hears drumming. As he strolls through town he hears drumming. All day, all night - drumming, drumming, drumming. He finally gets so sick of hearing drumming he shouts, "Oh when will the drums stop?" Everyone around him stops and stares at him as if he just dissed their mother. Finally a man walks up and says, "Mon, you don't want the drums to ever stop!" "Why not?", yells the man. "Bass solo!"

 

How do you get a musician off your doorstep? Pay him for the pizza...

 

How do you make two oboe players play in tune? Shoot one of them. (There's a variant of this I've heard that uses saxophones instead of oboes...)

 

Q: there's a four way intersection. at one end is santa claus. the second is the easter bunny. the third is a great violist. the last is a kid with crutches. which one gets to the center of the intersection first?
A: The kid with crutches. the other three are figments of your imagination.

 

Q: There is a four way intersection. At the end of one road is Santa Claus. At the end of a second is the Easter Bunny. At the end of a third is a good violist. At the end of the last road is a kid with two broken legs and no wheelchair. who reaches the center of the intersection first?
A: The kid with two broken legs and no wheelchair. The other three are figments of your imagination.

 

Excellent topic here,

I keep a stock of musician jokes handy in case of onstage delays, a super way to pass the time while some erstwhile guitar player changes a string in front of an audience. I have learned jokes for all the instruments in the orchestra, as well as singers and electric players too. I ask only that if you see me perform out there somewhere, and I have to tell a few, that you pretend you havent heard the punchline!



Lets start with the front, the singer...

How many singers to change a light bulb?
One, they hold it and the world revolves around them.

Whats the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument

What did the Bass singer do when he failed to make it?
Became a baritone

If you drop a violin and a soprano off a cliff, which hits first?
The violin, the soprano has to stop halfway for directions




The instruments...
How many guitarists to change a lightbulb?
None, they just move over into the singers light
(alternate) six, one to change the bulb and five to say "i could do that"

How many drummers does it take to change the light bulb?
Three, one to hold the bulb, two to turn the stool

How many keyboardists does it take to change the light bulb?
Five, one to do it, four to discuss how Keith Emerson would have done it

How many jazz players does it take to change the light bulb?
None, jazz players dont need light, and cant afford them anyway


Whats the difference between a frog in a cab and a trumpet player in a cab?
The frog may have a gig in his future

What do you call a saxophone player with a beeper?
An optomist


How many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, to get the request from the band, locate the faulty light, determine the cause of the filament break, find a replacement filament, repair the filament, test the repaired light, and make a report to the band about the new safety filament used and how it could differ from the burned old one.


Whats the difference between a violin player and a tailor?
One tucks up the frills

Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
The bull has its asshole in back


An orchestra is rehearsing for an upcoming recital, and the first night half the musicians arent there. The second night, even fewer return. On the third and final night, only the xylophone player remains. The frustrated conductor looks at him and says "I am glad SOMEONE is dedicated to the music"
The musician replys "Its the least I could do since I cant make the show"




Cheers to the one who knows the "drum stop" joke, thats a classic. Be careful with some of the ones I have here, they are antiques!

 

Heres one that rings of truth..


what does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
Drops him off at band practice.

 

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damn thats drastic!


Someone delete some of these things, or tell me how, ive never had to delete before!

sheesh