Moss in the Cracks Moss is growing in the time widened cracks of the pathway glossy green against the grey oblivious to the desert of death to either side. Life dances joyfully in her margins; blissful even in razor thin confines moss in the cracks, blood through my veins, the beat of life throbs on thriving between the rocks and the hard times ever flowing down that road and keeping always to the cracks. *** comments, suggestions, critique welcome
i think you should lose the first stanza and the last three lines... Life dances joyfully in her Margins, blissful even in razor thin Confines. moss in the Cracks, blood through my Veins -- the beat of Life throbs on. check that shit out. your words are wicked.
Man, I like what you did there, I never would have seen that in there. Awesome. It does sort of downplay my initial inspiration for the poem though. I'm gonna play around with this one a bit, but yeah, I like the direction you went with it.
for a moment I thought I was an ant with a million of my closest friends munching leaves, stripping trees assisting the decomposition of apples never far from fresh water, sunshine protect the young, keep ‘em coming afternoon and night are for breeding common goals, coordinated castes scientifically identified preoccupied polymorphic periods party proudly can’t we all just get along, as they say just ain’t an issue when you’re an ant
This is going to have to be one of my favorites from you…. Liked it quite mucho. I like the edits that Major P did, yet I also like the clearer details/meaning in the original, and think they’re important to keep as you’ve a good metaphor going… so perhaps a careful balance between the two, maybe even trying to clarify the details/meaning even more? Hmmm… my suggestions would have it something like this…. Again, liked this one a lot… good luck getting it just right!
I think I'm satisfied with this edit. Changed the title too. Life in the Cracks Moss grows thick in the time-widened cracks of the pathway, glossy green against the grey and oblivious of the desert of death to either side. Life unquenchable dances joyfully in her margins, blissful even in razor-thin confines. Moss in the cracks, blood through my veins -- the pulse of life beating ever on, thriving in the smallest of spaces, majestic even in the broken places.
