In the dark hours I smell the pine spicy with dew and the heat that is biding its time for the sun's awakening. Awakening songs of ghostly voices flutter in opera vibrato, tremble the air with their timbre and wedge softly into a pocket far removed from time and space, safe there. There sequestered they blossom into infamy and immortality. Some lonely pioneer or hunter, once roused to raise his axe or gun to the sky, might too have stopped a moment to hear the shivering song, I think. I think of the times when the day held no trepidation for time wasted, passing as swiftly as the bird songs that swing over the hills and out of hands reach. Hands reach and wonder is there enough time left to hear this dawn again? I close my eyes and touch the spruce, roughly the needles gouge my hand like pointed swords. Closer. Closer one at a time they are waxy and slide under my touch like the skin of a ripe mango, and the smell delicious, spicy and pungent wakes me from my dreams.
I enjoyed the breaks. They snap one awake, as out of some revery. Yet no sense, here nor there, could still me. Vibration coalesces with cessation, and passion, in deed, awakens.
I agree with what both said above... those breaks really do work well, bringing attention into focus... superb work! my fav stanza...
Beautiful piece, the breaks are great for the reasons already stated. My fav stanzas. I think of the times when the day held no trepidation for time wasted, passing as swiftly as the bird songs that swing over the hills and out of hands reach. Hands reach and wonder is there enough time left to hear this dawn again? I close my eyes and touch the spruce, roughly the needles gouge my hand like pointed swords. Closer.
Thanks everyone. Any suggestions for this piece would be welcome. I think it has more to offer, but I can't determine what it is.
Well, i don't know. the one word stanzas could be a weak spot, but they seem to work for this poem, in my opinion. try reading it outloud, that might help you spot any things that need changing.
