A random thought, eh? Well, here's an example of the random thoughts that tend to float around in my head... (more of a pointless rant than anything else) Why do I bother going out of the house at all? I mean, I'd be so much better off if I just continued to live as a hermit - never leave at all except to go to work (and I wish I didn't have to do that either). Going someplace nice - something that should be a pleasant experience - turns out to be miserable. Why? Because I see *people* everywhere - people of all ages. The young enjoying their childhood, the old remembering their own. People enjoying themselves, talking having relationships of all sorts, friendship, love, etc... And here in the middle of it all is me... me with nothing. I don't date anymore (unless something really unusual happens, I may never again, either). I have only a couple actual friends, and I *have* to keep them at a safe distance, otherwise, things quickly overwhelm and we'll end up not being especially friendly anymore. I just look at people enjoying themselves - or rather, people who are *able* to enjoy themselves - and it hurts. It's not like I havn't *tried* - I most certainly have... for years I tried, and always wondered why nothing ever worked out - why things always had to go wrong and I'd end up alone again. So I went to the park and sat by the edge of the river, listened to the water, felt the cool evening breeze. I was alone. I looked around and saw other people here and there, but I was the *only* one that was alone. I've been to this same place other times with people I've loved, so it has a lot of memories attached to it. Eventually, I just started crying and had to leave. Sometimes, I really hate myself - I hate who I am and what I am. I hate all the mistakes I've made and stupid things I've done. I hate myself for letting things happen to me, letting people hurt me. I hate myself for hurting other people. I hate myself for posting this. But I just needed to write *something* somewhere... I should go to bed, I suppose....
dont despair civilization is fucked up and if you were to dig it you would be an asshole like all the supposedly happy yuppies you view.its early yet to conceede the game , your young , so my advice is to run to the jungle ...thats what im gonna do .....its probably cus yer hip about just what a hipocritical sham all this is !
You're not the only one Melancholia, that's for sure. I always seem to feel alone regardless of the presence of company. I'm usually off in my own little world, if that makes sense. I have had times in my life when I had many friends, but now it is whittled down to just the people who can tolerate my strangeness. I don't mind being alone though either, I go for long hikes or bike rides alone, it's nice to not have to make conversation and just enjoy the sights and your own thoughts. I do make sure to hang out w/friends and family at least occasionally (not that I have much choice), because I know it's healthy and they enjoy my company. But as Makno said, the world is not how I would choose it to be, so I definitely suffer as a result. I hope you can find a way to cope somehow.
I don't see the point in hatin' myself. I'm stuck with me for a long time so I might as well do the best. Just a thought...
