::Relationship Troubles...Please Help::

Hi Everyone,

I'd really appreciate some serious advice or suggestions. I have nowhere else to turn, since my friends & family cannot be completely objective. I know this forum often veers more toward "sex" than "love," but any help would be greatly appreciated.

My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year & a half. I truly, deeply, & intensely love him with every fiber of my being, but I'm beginning to think we cannot be together forever. I love him for who he is, but I've recently been questioning whether or not it will all work out.

You see, the thing is, I'm almost 23 & graduating college. In about 6 months, I'll have to start my "real" life & at my age & this point of our relationship, its realistic to consider marriage & children. He's only turning 21 tomorrow & he still has at least 2 years of school.

I used to believe that love conquers all, but there are so many differences between us. I work 2 jobs (3 during the school year), whereas he goes into the city once or twice a week for an unpaid internship. His parents have money & he's never "had" to work. In fact, his parents are funding his internship (train fare/lunch/etc). I've been raised to believe that working is fundamental to becoming a responsible adult.

Secondly, besides the money difference (my family lives very comfortably, but we value working for what we have, while his father paid for 10 months rent on his apartment that he moved out of after only 1 month), there is a cultural difference. He's Indian, & granted he's extremely Americanized (he's a xhardcorex kid with tats/piercings/etc), theres a palpable cultural difference; I just cannot relate to his family.

On top of which, I was raised Catholic, & while I disagree with many of the aspects of organized religion & the bizarre rules its imparts upon its followers, I would like to raise my children with the same values that were instilled in me since childhood. Even though he doesn't follow a specific faith, his mother is a devout Hindu & I'm afraid that will create issues if we have children.

This has just been tearing me up inside & I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to break up with him...but that scares me. I've been depressed & have gotten really upset to the point of crying about it (I'm a pussy, I know).

I sincerely apologize for the length of this post, but I really need some help...thank you guys SO much for anything you have to offer.

xoxo
cortnee

 

Hi,
You've numbered several reasons why you both shouldnt stay together. perhaps you dont love him as much as you think, cos if you did, you wouldnt mind about all these things. Probably you feel more mature than him, but why dont you give him a chance? you've been together for a while now, and it's not necessary to settle down and have everything at 23. It takes time to adjust into the adult life and maybe he needs you to get there.
Think about what you really want...are you prepared to give him up?

Talk to him and tell him about your worries. It's best to talk about these things otherwise they get complicated when you make a final decision...

i wish you lots of luck

 

Cortnee,

Only you can decide. I have an interracial marriage, my wife is African and we met when she was in Australia on holiday. I have difficulties with her family, because of the big cultural differences. Fortunately, we only see them rarely because most of her family are still in Zimbabwe. No matter how long we have been married (18 years), they are unable to appreciate the differences between the values I was brought up with and their own. I feel that they are demanding and, to a degree, racist in they cannot understand that my Australian ways.

It is not all bad for interracial relationships. I have absorbed some of her culture and it has made me a better person as a result.

Try to have a crystal ball and imagine how your boyfriend will be in a couple of years time when he has to finish school and work for a living. Does he have the motivation to earn the income that a married couple needs for food and rent and everything else? You want children. Will he ever be able to work hard and earn enough to support you and your child? Will he be a good and reliable husband and father and still love you too in the decades to come?

I would not let religious differences get in the way though. I am an agnostic and my wife is a protestant. We agree to disagree and now that our children are teenagers, they are free to choose her Christian ways or my ways. It has not been an issue between us. I have accomodated her spiritual space, and she has listened to and understands my beliefs.

Mark from Australia.

 

Well, I'll admit one thing. I'm 23 and nearly done with college like you, and I don't see myself getting married for at least 2-3 years. I love my boyfriend very much, but neither of us are in any rush to marry and have a "family life". I think you may be putting too much pressure on yourself. Marriage isn't something to rush into just because you "feel" you should be married by a certain age. If you're having this many doubts, especially with someone whom you've been involved with a relatively short time, marriage is probably something I would maybe think about twice about right now. Do you know what his feelings towards near-future marriage are??

As far as family and religion go..you may not be able to relate to his family, and vice versa. But as long as you generally get along and respect each other, there's shouldn't be any difficulties there. Religion and values are tricky. I'm in the opposite boat-my boyfriend is a "relapsed" Catholic, but still wants his children to be baptized and whatnot. I don't, but even though we have no immediate plans for marriage and children, we know that a compromise can be worked out. Relationships are all about compromise. If you don't feel you both can compromise on something that would please you both, then you may face a lot of difficult conversations later on.

Bottom line-don't put all this pressure on yourself and your relationship. Enjoy what you have with your boyfriend for what it is right now. If it's meant to be, you'll find all your doubts and concerns won't be nearly as problematic as they are now. If not, well...you'll have saved yourself a lot of money & time. The stresses of entering "the real world" are harsh enough, you shouldn't have to inflict more upon yourself right now. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.