Why does this bother me a lot?

Well anyway, let me say this will be somewhat long.

I've known my girlfriend for 2 years. I've always known her as my sweet innocent best friend. Until she moved in August and she started to get a bit annoying and immature etc. Anyway, back in December we started talking more often again and she was her good self again. She seemed like my best friend all over again, good times. So now my girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. And about a week into it I found out she wasn't a virgin. I personally am a virgin, because my modo has been to find someone I love, then have good sex with them, I don't want to lose it to someone who doesn't matter, as lame or respectable as that may sound, that's just me. Anyway she explained the whole reasoning, she lost it to her boyfriend in October, she didn't really want to have sex with him, it's just he kept asking and pressuring her until she finally gave in. She spent the next day crying etc and continued to date him regardless. She said they had sex 2 more times because she was hoping maybe she'd feel less regret if she someone "made" the relationship work.

So now that I found this out, it bothered me a lot, you know? I mean she was still my best friend, and girlfriend. All the time she tells me how I'm the first boyfriend that has mattered a lot to her, the first guy who's treated her right. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I knew her for so long prior to dating. I've even asked her if she's ever said things like that to her other boyfriends, she's explained to me, no, and that this is the first time she's felt this way etc etc. But like, for me, I just don't understand...I can't get over that she lost her virginity to someone like that when she too holds virginity in high regard.

I trust her and believe her when she tells me that I matter so much more than any of them. Me and her even joke about sex, she's even told me, "If we had sex tomorrow, I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of remorse because I know it would've been right this time." and we just decided, we're not gonna say, hey let's have sex tomorrow, we're just gonna wait for it to happen. Anyway, I just can't get it through my head.

I feel the same way she feels about me, we both get along great and all that...but it just makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about another guy holding her that way, you know. She's never done anything sexual aside from that either, her boyfriend that she dated for a month in December even begged and begged for sex and she broke up with him due to it. But for some reason, it still gets under my skin. I think about it a lot and I can't even get all my thoughts about it together sometimes...like right now, I'm getting lost in my words.

But in the short, she's promised me that the others didn't matter and that I matter more and she tells me she cries about it sometimes and wishes she could take it back but she couldn't...she also explained to me she knew how disapointed I would've been had I known back when it happened simply because I am someone she holds in high regard. I don't know how to explain the way I feel about it, I just don't understand it sometimes...

Please help me sort my thoughts, probably from your replies I'll have more to say, I've apologized to her many times for it bothering me so much because it makes her upset that it bothers me a lot and she feels so inferior for it...help.

-John

 

Also as another note:
At times it doesn't bother me and me and her joke about it...like when she laughingly explains the sex was boring because the boy lasted 45 minutes and she "didn't feel a thing" and times like that it's hilarious, but deep down inside, it still upsets me...

She's even explained that she's so bothered by it, she hasn't even masturbated since or anything.

I mean there's times where it doesn't phase me, and there's times where I just fucking break down over it...

I think it wouldn't bother me so much even if she had just lost it to someone who mattered to her, ya know?

I dunno...help...

 

i don't understand the whole 'sex is sacred' 'virginity is special' thing, myself so i've always wondered if most of the time, it has something to do with performance anxiety. i highly suspect that one of my ex's convinced himself to value his "virginity"(long story) because he was just scared of sex.

mmmaybe you're afraid because she's experienced in the act and has someone to compair you with?

just meh best guess.

 

That's why I added the second post, because that's not my fear...I don't care if she has something to compare me to, I just don't know why it bothers me though.

 

My friends have decided that I just need to talk this out with her...but she gets upset when I talk about it with her simply because she's upset that she's upset me (follow me on that?)

And as a plus, since she moved, I only see her once a week for about 12 hours at a time...but despite it being 12 hours...why take an hour out of our very little time together to be upset?

 

Well, if you never devote any time to sorting things out, then you will never stop being upset...

 

Because being first in something like that has a lifelong effect on a girl. You wanted to be the face that pops in her mind whenever she thinks about her first time. But your face is not there, and never will be. Getting this out in the open on a public board like this is one of the first steps of getting over it. You doin the right thing though. Do not ever hold this against her in any way. It could be devistating.

 

Yeah the worst part about it for me is HER...She's even told me, "So what if he was the first, maybe you can be the first that actually mattered." I feel bad bringing it up to her because it used to bother her, she got over it, and now that it bothers me, it bothers her again...I just feel bad because that's not a good way to remember sex, as something you were pressured into.

I just don't know why I can't get over it though...I mean, we've talked about it on the phone and suhc but never in person...and she assures me all the time that I matter and her father has even mentioned to me, "You know, you mean a lot to XXXXXX, she never talked about any of her boyfriends to me before." Which makes me feel great...yet it always comes back to haunt me...

I just really want to get over it for HER...

 

Here's something that'll make you feel like shit but put a smile on your face: It's been 10 years for me bro, I still aint over it. Never will. Your level of acceptance deepens with time. Go put your fist through a wall. The pain afterwards usually gets my mind off other shit

 

When I'm with her, it doesn't bother me at all...the problem seems to be I have hours and hours a week to sit and think about her because I don't see her willfully...

In a month, I get my car back though...my sister crashed it so..yeah haha...but in a month I get it back and I can see her at will

 

WishIWasAHippie, I was in the exact same scenario she is in, word for word. Perhaps this girl (at the time) was going through a rough time in her life, felt lonely or unappreciated,(could have been hormonal for some random reason) and her boyfriend managed to sweet-talk her into it. Now I know that sounds far-fetched, you're thinking someone that holds virginity as a high priorty couldn't possibly be led into something like that right? But added to the possibilities above, she could have just wanted to experience it for the first time, and merely chose the WRONG time. She seems genuinely upset about it, going as far as to tell you she didn't like the experience (which is more than likely true, seeing as it was her first time, and she realized that she didn't stick to her own morals?)....the point is, the girl has admitted her mistake to you because she cares enough about you to let you know the truth. Don't take it any further or it could cause problems in your relationship.

 

That was very refreshing to here Insomniac...

I just got off the phone with her and explained...I explained how I don't understand why it bothers me when I know it shouldn't etc etc...

The shame in the whole thing is, I just like fell out of talking to her during that time, so I don't know what she was like then...she's told me though, he just kinda kept begging and pressured her...I'm actually very relieved you said that

I just got off the phone with her and she is at her Dad's house where she doesn't normally live so she couldn't talk at all because if she wakes him up she'd get in trouble...so she said one thing after I finished explaining everything...

"I love you." and then hung up...which, may not seem like a big deal to some...but she's never said that to anyone before, because me and her had this conversation before...and so basically...between that and Insomniac's post...I feel very relieved and refreshed

Thanks guys.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and she never even gave me the chance to say it back, 1 cause I froze for what felt like a minute, but was a second and 2 because she hung up quickly cause I could tell it was hard for her to say. haha

 

Lol...sorry, not laughing at you here, just laughing at the cutness of this....anyway, i'm glad I helped you out a little. Good luck!

 

deal with it or don't just understand the circumstances of that descision......


dealing with it is probably the better road

 

My advice: Just stop thinking about it, it will get over itself before you know it, eventually. You've acknowledged the fact that you feel that way, you've realized its not serving you in any way, so let it go. And don't mention it to her again, the fact that you feel this way has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you, there's nothing she can do about it, you will have to get over it yourself.