bus driver chucks a baldy cat of the bus ........a passenger sez what did yer do that for ........bus driver replys....... he had no fare.
thanks man. .......man goes in barbers and asks for a michael jackson style ........barber gives him a skinhead.......man freaks out and says to the barber .......michael jackson "s head does/nt look like that..........barber replys....... it would if he came into this shop.......................................stick to the day job paul .........yeah ok
Wise words from a wise man... So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead? Well, he was born in a barn.
tony and jimmy walking through some woods one day ........tony sez to jimmy ...what would you do if a bird shit on yer head.....jimmy replys ....i would pack her in.
hahaha don't blame him, so would i. Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"
carefull mathew ......you might have the politically correct people........calling you a racist ................man jumps in a taxi .....king edwards close ........dont worry sir sez taxi driver .......i"ll loose him at the next set of lights .
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb? A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. are these awful jokes paul ??
time for a spleg man..........enjoy remainder of weekend mathew........regards la yer pro war ****..............
for you Michael : God Loves Blondes A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
Jokes about Jesus are bound to offend, so here goes Why did Popeye hit Jesus? Because he was going to Mount Olive. A man is being shown round heaven by God. He is taken down a long corridor full of rooms. In one of them, is a lot of people floating in bliss. "That's the buddhists" says God. In another, there are people dancing and feasting. "That's the Muslims" says God. So on and so on until they come to a closed door. "Shhh. Says God. Walk past quietly." "Why?" says the Man. "That's the Christians." says God "They think they're the only ones up here..."
A nun was flying home from a weeks vacation. With her, was her little dog. The dog was really well behaved, and seeing as she was a nun, the flight attendants decided to let her keep the dog with her in the plane cabin instead of stowing it in the cargo/luggage area. Sitting next to the nun is a big fat Texan. He is as big and loud as the nun is small and quiet! 20 minutes into the flight the Texan lights up a big stinky cigar, and blows the smoke into the nun's face. Immediatly, the dog starts barking and growling at the fat Texan. The Texan says "Lady... you better shut that dang dog up might quick, or I am gonna throw it out the dang window". The nin replies, "Sir, if you would put the cigar out, the dog would cease barking, and I would be much happier." Back and forth the 2 of them went for 20 minutes. Finally, the Texan reaches over, grabs the dog by the scruff of the neck and throws it out the window. The nun, in a fit of rage, grabs the cigar and tosses it out the window too. The nun starts screaming, and flight attendants come over to try to calm her. A man sitting 4 rows back gets up to go the bathroom. As he walks to the back of the plane, he sees something sitting out on the wing. He stops to get a closer look, and is surprised to see that it's a little dog! And guess what the dog had in its mouth? A brick.
Jesus on the cross: My God, My God, Why have You forsaken me? Voice from heaven: Because you became a goddam HIPPIE !!! Hey, this is a stupid joke thread...
three men are about to be shot by a firing squad................evertonian (being the clever one) thinks to himself ......how the fuck do i get outta this ........as the soilders lift up their guns ........evertonian shouts tornado .......to which the soldiers run like fuck . back in the cell that night the tranmere fan asks evertonian how he managed to stay alive . evertonian sez " all you have to do is shout somethink to do with a global castastrophic event " it puts the shits up them. next day tranmere fan goes on firing squad .....as the soldiers raise their guns ........tranmere fan shouts earthquake ........to which soldiers run away . back in the cell that night " the evertonian and tranmere fan explain to the man utd fan how to stay alive . man utd fan says no problem.....i think ive got it .next day as man utd fan is facing the firing squad........soldiers raise their guns ............man utd fan shouts fire........back to bed paully lad