The first part of my story 'Ghost Of Heaven'

It needs critiquing (sp?) tell me whatever you think about and how i can better it, hopefulyl if peoplelike it there will be many more to comem

The room was thick with smoke. The scarce lights huddled in the corners looked like small orange suns beaming down on a crowd of the screaming masses. Her lips curled with a smile. Her people, people dancing, people laughing, none of them knew her but she knew them. The smile disapeared, she knew that if they knew her they’d run, because the some of the people here aren’t really people at all.

They only look like people because they have to, in here is strictly human form. The demons don’t like being human; they lose most of their power and therefor lose when they’re attacked. But, demons love The Dragonfly.

The Dragonfly is a swarm of dark, dirty people. People have a good time and demons picking their pray. Her brother Caleb owned this place so they always got free drinks, and usually getting drinks at all was trouble seeing as they were all 17.


Walking into the Dragonfly is like walking into another world. The walls were dark mahogany swimming in a sea of black and gold scarves draped across nails in the walls. The floor was all lush, black crapet with little gold diamonds very so far. Looking out formt he balcony you can see onto the dancefloor. Under the stairs was her favourite place though.The booths were dark would too with beautiful center pieces and darling leather seats. Lifting her head she could almost see them.

A small body parted the crowd. A head of loosely pulled back caramel curls bobbed through the sea of people, drinks spilling over onto her hands with every push of an offending dancer. She walked down the stairs and under the platform, here the people sparsed and she could see her booth. A young man and women sat there looking back at her.



The man was tall with a cheecky smile and scruffy brown hair, The girl holding the drinks passed one to the man “Ah Merc, what would I do without ya?” The man sighed, the girl flopped down beside him “Well Darius, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t need to be carried home..” The girl remembered she was holding two drinks and slid one over to the other girl “Here Yume, that’s what you wanted, right?” Yume nodded and they all started their drinks.

It wasn’t usual for Yume to come out with Darius and Mercedes after a city sweep, but tonight they had run into her near her local coffee shop and she decided to tag along. Mercedes watched Darius with his beer and smiled, Yume was nursnig her drink protectivly, some demon got a lucky punch in right to Yume’s face and she is grumpy now, as usual.

Sitting rag-doll like next to Darius she scanned the room and grinned a little. This place was like her sanctuary. Under the platform that held the entrance door and the bar was three cosy booths looking out to the dance floor. The booths were very dark green leather and the tables were dark chocolate brown tables had fascinating ornaments in the center.

Her favourite table had a black, square bowl full of tiny white pebbles with three charmingly coloured candles arranged in the center. In each corner of the bowl was a brightly coloured stoned wrapped randomly with gold wire. She tended to stare at it sometimes, and just drift away in thoughts. Their booth was the most private tucked away in the left-hand corner of the cosy nook.

The music they played was usualy the kind that that made Mercedes want to dance but tonight she was to achey to move. Some demons were following some kids and there was a pack, so when we caught up they got I a few good hits before we tookt hem down. But we always took them down.

Soon Mercedes drink was gone and she still flinched slightly as she grabbed her bottle, she lifted her hand to inspect it in the candlelight. Her knuckles had some scratches on them and they looked as if they were starting to bruise. She remembered back to the hard scales on some od the demons chests.



Then she dove her hand into her bag and brought back with her a small flip phone in which she started bashing keys. Her aim wasn’t perfect and she looked on the table and saw three other mudshake bottles and remembered why.

Shaking her head she set a reminder on her phone stating ‘get up twenty minutes early-make-up on knuckles’. Making over bruises and cuts was a regular and easy thing for her now. The pain was something she had to get used to though.

One time she broke her arm when she was 15, out fighting alone and got ambushed. She escaped with a broken arm but couldn’t just go to the hospital because her parents would then know she had been out alone in the middle of the night. So she ran all the way home and snuck in. She waited at the bottom of the steps for 3 and a half hours till her parent’s got up at 6. When she heard one of them moving around she started yelling and they came rushing down. After that it was easy enough to tell them she tripped down the stairs going to get a glass of water.

Then, Yume stood up, she flicked back her pigtailed hair and swayed a little, those drinks she was having were strong, and you could tell by her demeanour. “Think it’s my round people!” She declared. Mercedes looked around and stated “I know we are more than one but ‘people’ is a bit of an overstated word don’t you think?”
“I think you need another drink!” Yume grinned. She turned on her heels and headed up to the bar.

Merc looked over at Darius, he had been pretty silent the whole time and Mercedes gave him an attention seeking poke in the side “Hey, what’s up?” she questioned.
“Eh, nothing, just tired ya know? Plus i gotta work tomorrow” Darius gave the girl a half smile. She smiled back and noticed his beer was still half full. She grabbed the bottle and brought it to her lips. With a smile she guzzled the remains and looked back to Darius “Hope you weren’t gonna finish that” she gleamed.

After a few minutes of Mercedes giving Darius many annoying pokes and jibes Yume returned with drinks. She sat them down infront of their respective owners and jumped back into her seat. Merc watched Yume, the girl suddenly jumped then pulled out her phone from her pocket. “It’s Sara, she said she just finished a sweep and she’s going home, not much happening on the streets” She stated, putting her back in it’s position. Darius couldn’t help himself but to interject with a resounding “Yeah ‘cos we finished them all off!”

Mercedes still couldn’t believe Sara and Yume are friends. Only a year ago they were mortal enemies. They go to a different school to Mercedes and Darius has already left school. Sara, a preppy and popular girl, didn’t look kindly upon Yume being the kind of girl who is an individual. All that changed when Khian died.

Yume’s mother Saki was a protector in Tokyo and the only known protector to bear a child. Khian was the other protector and Yume was living a normal life with her father in New York from when her mother died when she was two. Khian died in a sour fight about a year ago and our guardian told everyone that a new protector wasn’t going to be trained from ten, which is to normal situation. He said she was already 16.

Mars, our guardian is a fine old man, always spilling words of grandeur or doom. It turns out Yume was meant to be a protector but was overdue and born after the four protectors, and since they had already been born as protectors her powers layed dormant until Khian died.

A few minutes later Mercedes sat her drink back down and looked up. She noticed a man slowly gliding through the crowd towards them. She sunk down low into their seat when she realised who it was. She hated her brother. “Ladies, oh sorry, and gentleman” Caleb smiled. Mercedes looked at him with a blank expression “Merc...its twelve-thirty go home” Caleb raised an eyebrow to her and gave her a strange look. With that Caleb turned and left.

Mercedes knew she should leave, she knew the deal that if Caleb told her to go home and she didn’t he would tell their parents she was out. She rose and turned to her two companions “Ugh, better go” Merc smiled at the two, lingering on Darius for a second before heading to the stairs.

After short walk she was only a few blocks away from her house, she was always tense when she was out at night, but relaxed as she came near the house. She walked onto her driveway and down towards her door.

Once she reached the light outside the front door she stopped and grabbed her bag from her shoulder. She moved over to a small seat on the paving infront of the door. Pulling out a cigarette she lit it up and inhaled. She wasn’t too concerned with being overly quite as only her father was home tonight, and he sleeps lileka log. Her mother was out of state at a convention, Mercedes didn’t really care what kind.

Mercedes inspected again the cuts on her tanned, slender hand, she flexed her hand then looked own at herself. She stifled a laugh, no wonder Caleb looked at her funny. She didn’t realise she was wearing her city sweep clothes. Mercedes wardrobe is considerably different when she is doing city sweeps, usually opting for anything leather and midriff showing. Not the usual thing for a 17 year old girl catholic school girl.



Not to mention her very low jeans were speckled in very yucky demon blood. Her top was short with bits of mesh. She tried to uncurl her lips as she stomped out her cigarette. Once that task was complete Merc spun around to the garden beside the front door. She peeled back the bushes and stepped around the side into the garden.



She knew it was so cliché sneak in through your bedroom window, but she couldn’t do that anyway. Their house was a nice house in a nice suburb, but the Dante’s always had huge locks on all their doors and windows. Primarily because Andre, Mercedes’ father was the head of a large pharacuticle company called PharmoStat. People usually assumed her had drugs in the house and would try and break in.



Mercedes felt in her prime while she was escaping or entering her house. She loved being a protector and always fancied herself as a bit of a Lara Croft. Merc coninued through she garden till she was in the back yard. She looked up at the back balcony. She took a few steps and looked up again. The bottom of the second story balcony ledge wasn’t that high, but not a jump a regular person could pull off.



She sprinted a few steps and jumped up. Her fingers held onto the bottom ledge, with strain she swung herself and quickly pulled one hand up the grab one the railing posts. Once the hard part was over she pulled her other hand up. In a slow and steady motion she pulled herself up and over the railing. She craned her head out and swore in her head when she saw her father had left the curtains open, she hated tip-toeing past when he might wake up and see her.



So far this could be considered pretty basic teenager stuff, but this is where Mercedes shows her full potential. After the perilous creep past her fathers balcony glass doors she went past another room then to her doors. As usual they were locked and Merc turned gracefully, wobbiling a little thinking of doing what she was about to do under the influence, but she always did it. She walked back out to the railing and rose one foot onto it. With precision she bought herself up on top of the railing. She walked over to the close corver of the balcony and prepared herself.



She tooka breath and placed one hand high on the corner post. She bowed and pounced her legs up, grabbing the terracotta guttering and thanking god it was strong. She was small and light but this was always dangerous, she always thought one day it would collapse. She brought her other hand up and again started the struggle of getting onto the roof. Once she was up there she crept along to the indent above her room. She knelt next to the skylight and slid her fingers in where the glass met the wood. Her afther never realised the late addition of a skylight in her room was held with shotty glue that dissolved after a few years.



The pane slipped out and she placed it carfully beside her. With that she lifted her body and slipped down into the darkened room. Her feet landed on the support beam that goes across the roof. She reached up and found the oane and slipped it into place. Merc turned and with one fluent motion jumped to the floor with a small thud. She stopped mointless for a second listening for noise, but hearing none she decided to retire.