Stupid Joke Thread

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place: First guy: " You've no idea what I had
to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house
next weekend."

Second guy: " That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: " Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the 4th guy had not
said a word.

So they asked him. " You haven't said anything about what you had
to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off,
I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or
sex?"..and she said, " Wear sun-block."

 

(Q) A Mexican and a Black man are in a car... who is driving?
(A) The Police

 

(Q) What is the difference between jesus and a painting?
(A) It only takes one nail to hang a painting

 

Q: What's the difference between a straight guy and a bisexual?
A: Two six-packs (or two joints)!

 

BB King was playing a club and a woman walked up and said "BB, I'm your biggest fan! I've got all your CD's and I've seen you over 100 times. I've never had the nerve to talk to you until now". BB says "You're my BIGGEST fan?" She says "Yes. I've even got your intials tatooed on my butt!" "Really?" "Yes, wanna see?" She drops her pants and bends over, and BB studies for a second, and says "I think theres been a mistake, m'amm. BB's name ain't Bob..."

 

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

 

How many UVa girls does it take to change a flat tire?

Two. One to hold the drinks, and one to call Daddy...

 

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who's been thrown into the water?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a guy who's been run over by a steam roller and nailed to the wall?
A: Art

 

Did you guys hear about the guy that was born without any eyelids?
They had to use his foreskin to make eyelids for him


Now he's a little cockeyed

 

So this rope goes into a bar and hops up on a barstool and says, "Bartender, give me a pint of your finest beer" The bartender says, "I'm sorry but we don't serve to ropes"

The rope, discouraged, goes outside and quickly thinks up a plan. He ties himself in a knot and frays his ends. He goes back into the bar and hops up on a barstool and says, "Bartender, give me a pint of your finest beer"

The bartender says, "Are you that same rope that was just in here?"

The rope says,"No, I'm afraid not."

 

>
>God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
>archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
>
>He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
>
>God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly
>pointed downwards through the clouds,
>"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>
>Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,
>"What is it?"
>
>"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
>I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great
>place of balance."
>
>"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
>
>God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
>"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
>opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going
>to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
>people, and over there is a continent of black people.
>Balance in all things,"
>
>God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
>will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold
>and covered in ice."
>
>The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
>to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
>
>"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most
>glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains,
>rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees.
>The people from Washington State are going to be
>handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
>are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
>extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they
>will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and
>carriers of peace."
>
>Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
>proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said
>there would be balance."
>
>God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until
>you see the idiots I put there."

 

lol

 

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

 

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's
where I need your advice.

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

 

Since this is a hippie website, we need hippie jokes!



How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to do it, and two to relate to the experience.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he/she has to save up for a week to buy a $20 energy efficent lightbulb.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for 30 years.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Deadheads don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to do it, and two to stand around and say how much better Jerry could have done it.

How do you know if a hippie has been in your house? He's still there.
How can you tell when he’s about to leave? The phone bill comes.

How do you get 20 hippies into a phone booth? Throw in a roach.
How do you get 20 hippies out of a phone booth? Throw in a bar of soap.

How do you hide money from a hippie? Hide it under the soap.

Why did all the hippies move to Eugene, Oregon?
There's no work there.

Why are hippies like bears?
They both eat honey, they both give hugs, and they both shit in the woods.

How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
Pass him a joint.

What's the difference between a hippie and a deadhead?
A hippie will give the shirt off his back, and a deadhead will sell you somebody else's for $25, two for $40.

What does a deadhead say when he runs out of pot?
"This band sucks!"

How many potheads does it take to watch a campfire go out?
All of them.

Why did the pothead cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken?

 

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that
he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

so the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

 

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? you would too if your name was MWAAAAAHHH!

How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? She answered the Iron.
How did she burn the other side? She called back.

How do you have fun with Hellen Keller? Move the furniture around.

What's funnier than a truck full of dead babies? The pitchfork you use to unload them.
What's funnier than a pile of dead babies? The one in the middle who's still alive and eating it's way out.

 

Cyrus asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
'You've Got Male'."

 

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?

A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?

A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.