My reality is soooo mixed up right now, I really don't know what's real and what I'm imagining. The past few days I've been thinking that everyone where I live is in on something but me. I got this idea in my head that people can read my thoughts, and so I start thinking really horrible things about people out of nowhere and then apologizing for it in case they can hear me. Can't control it anymore. I used to be super restrained and self conscious. (Still am, just a little less so.) I'm just trying to break out of my bubble and be free. I'm just starting to wake up to the world (took 20 years!) and I feel waay behind everyone else. There's this whole world of body language I've been completely oblivious to. I was an extra in a movie a while back and was totally paranoid the whole time. I was convinced that the movie was about me, or at least that people were comparing it to me. It was like I went in there and drew a bunch of parallels between the movie and my life and people read my mind and started to fuck with me cause of it. A total ego trip. This past weekend I was at a folk festival. I'm sure people were reading my mind because I'd think something and they'd start talking about it. At one point I was sure they were making fun of something I thought and I thought in my mind "fuck off!" They started laughing and saying 'fuck off, haha, fuck off'. Then they started singing "we won't be quiet until you skip around the hill". (Which I didn't do. Maybe I would have if I wasn't so freaked out by then.) I thought I was Jesus. I walked up a hill to be crucified. Someone laughed and said "that's going a bit too far". I fell down the hill. For a moment I was purely me. No thinking. Just being. It went away though. By the end of the festival I was sure it was all for me. All my friends were there. My familly showed up. I'm positive I saw people taking pictures of me. It was like this was my big moment. They were all watching. They knew I was figuring it out. My life was a big movie. I saw people who were at the movie shoot I was at. Including the crew and the guy I had become sure was behind it all. This was supposed to be the end of it. I'd figure it out and do something that would make it obvious that I got it and then we'd all laugh and they'd show me the movie of my life and I'd graduate to some higher place. I'd figure out the game of life. The simple simple game I was just too stupid to figure out earlier. People were giving me hints all my life. Watch the signs. Open your eyes. Listen. "Merrily merrily, life is but a dream". Be free. All right, this is my moment to bust out of my shell and become free. Xavier Rudd. This is it. Dance! Dance like you've never done before! (Which I really haven't ever done.) I danced. People were talking. They were talking about me and how I was getting it. "He knows!" Everytime I started dancing less people would make these buzzing sounds. The lyrics in the songs he was singing! "I want to be free!" I got to the front of the crowd. Xavier was looking right at me smiling and singing. There was a video camera crew at the front of the crowd facing the stage. As soon as I got to the front the camera turned around to face me. I was doing it! I'm almost there! Tears now. Dancing like mad. The signs everywhere. So close to figuring it all out. Somehow I fucked up. Lost it. People were dissapointed. People who were smiling at me before were looking at me with shame. Like I'd let everyone down. The world came to me and I failed it. Got back to the campsite. People were laughing at me. Every person I walked by started laughing when they saw me. Heard people shouting "oh now you want to pass the torch!" "Too much heat for you!" "Play with fire and you get burned!" Now I believe that I'm some kind of fire. Other people can see it. I burn people with my thoughts. I'm in a band and I played a show the day after the festival. I believe I fucked up my chance the world gave me and now I have to pay. I have to get up on stage and entertain. I have to dance for the world to watch and laugh at. I think my friends can read my mind too, though they never said anything about it. Now they know I know they can and they know I know when I think something bad about them. And I'll have to pay for it. I have to pay for all these bad thoughts I've had that I can't control because of the idea of it all. And everyone's watching. Wherever I go. Waiting to see what I do. I've been going to shows and dancing like an idiot (which I'd never normally do cause I'm pretty self conscious) just to give them their little show. Tonight some random guy even went on stage and started singing "we're all here to gather round the fire". A friend of mine was saying how I was very popular all weekend. That people were asking if she'd seen me. I said I don't think I like it. She said it's my time to shine.
She's not a girl who misses much Do do do do do do- oh yea! She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand Like a lizard on a window pane The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors On his hobnail boots Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy Working overtime A soap impression of his wife which he ate And donated to the National Trust I need a fix 'cause I'm going down Down to the bits that I left uptown I need a fix cause I'm going down Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Mother Superior jump the gun Happiness is a warm gun Happiness is a warm gun, momma When I hold you in my arms And I feel my finger on your trigger I know nobody can do me no harm Because happiness is a warm gun, momma Happiness is a warm gun -Yes it is. Happiness is a warm, yes it is... Gun! Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?
i get that sometime where i think everyone knows what i'm think that they can see right through me. but its just your attidude. the vibes you give off. people can tell kind of what other people are feeling. and i've read stories and poems in my schools newspaper by people that i knew that i wondered if they were writing them about me cuz they seemed to descibe me. its weird like the whole thing is just a set up. and after reading all of these posts and thinking about paranoia i am super paranoid and jumping at every single noise. not good...
