so What would you do?

what would you do if you had someone...
this person is someone you love
but you have wronged this person...you both have decided to work
thru it but their ever present anger gets steadily worse
(anger had been there before)
but now it is growing out of control.....
you know you are the cause of it so there for you deserve it
but then you meet somebody who..might not feel the same..(love)
but this new person see's every thing about you that you have been waiting
for your love to see....


disappointment
anger
guilt
confusion

you tell me how would you feel?
what would you do?

this is all mostly just confusing but I am not of sober mind...sorry

 

what I would do is forget this new person and I would work it to make it right to the person whom I hurt..id be dedicated to the person who I said I would and try my hardest to make my wrong right...

 

Just giving up on this first person is the easy way out. Stick with them, obviously they are willing to stick with you. Maybe this 1st person does see those same traits in you but right now it is just clouded by whatever went wrong. But, if you feel that this person hasnt been able to change there ways of dealing with or viewing things in the past then their anger right now, may not change. Give them a shot though, treat them how you want to be treated.

 

I think it would be doing the first person a favor to leave. Sometimes you can have forgivness but never forget. They may want to forgive but for what ever reason they are reminded of the hurt. They may think it will go away, but depending on what you did, it probably won't


Do both yourselves a favor and jump on a new train

Just my suggestion
Good luck

 

why are all us hispsters gluttons for punishment. If someone brings a problem like this to the boards, peeps are always like, "You should stick with the origninal person, even though you dont love them and your relationship sucks, you owe them"

I'm sorry but, how fair is it to keep someone in a relationship when you dont even love them? thus making both people unhappy and resentful, why not just end it and move on? Be with the one you love, dont sit there not loving the one youre with.

 

she said she loved them, that they loved eachother...that was the second thing she said...durrr

 

its amazing that i would do the polar oposite ....when theres bad stuff in the past that wont go away ....believe me ....its hopeless ....and love .....thats the brass ring on this merry go round ....

 

people are different.. i couldnt even understand what she was saying cause it was written weird...
this is what i grasps from the situation...
she is with someone who she loves and he loves her but she did something to hurt him and now they are trying to work through it but she now likes someone else...thats what i got from reading that if i am wrong then someone tell me...

 

hmmmm...I think you are mostly right
and yes it was written weird all like second party and shit but
I didn't feel like owning up to my own problem

you see there is alot more to the situation...
firstly kids.....
and the fact that I cheated on my husband for the first month we were together...after that month of being a complete skank to him I realized he was a nice guy and altho I didn't feel ready he was wonderful
and i loved him...(whatever that means)
and then I got pregnant....hmmm......curious
yes I was using condoms.......
and so I changed..or so I had thought....
we went thru the first pregnancy pretty rough...I had insomnia and he has never been a "good" listener....trust me when someone falls asleep in the middle of the day during the conversation as soon as the topic went from cars to relationship or art or life or damn near anything I happened to have on my mind...then you start to get the hint...and when it still happens every time for the next 4 years then it feels kinda hopeless
but one pregnancy after another and I just want it to work....
I am still trying but we see eye to eye on like music...the rest is not even a debate...he just passes out and gets upset that I am too complicated....
we have tried a marriage counselor and seminars and family discussions
but to no avail.....
he won't see a doctor..I mean why would he..he only falls asleep when I am talking....
and the anger...yeah it was there before but not directed at me our my daughter so now that we have had 3 together why would I expect him to start treating our kids like slaves...worthless little people he can yell at whenever....ok that was a rant...he does love them and he does seem to love me but...
our councillor said that if we were to get married then it might help him with his anger and that kind of ceremony would seal us together...
and damn it I fell for it...even tho I have been married before and i had promised myself to not EVER do it again.....
so we got married but those feelings that I was having...(not anger but loneliness) did not go away......
and I got drunk (not an excuse) and I gave a guy friend head...(I KNOW IT is and WAS WRONG)...but now he and I seem to be doomed
he doesn't understand my pain and I am the cause of his..... arrrrr


ok...blah blah blahhhhhhhh

 

this new person is not someone you whould throw away like that... by all means make friends with such a compatible type. you never know how it's gonna all end.

 

he is my best friend.....

but I am a horrible person who does not deserve friends as good as him...
not with all I have done

 

u're kidding... do u know what I HAVE DONE and still deserve great friends?

 

I don't know what you have done but
I have a hard time feeling like I deserve much of anything

I talked with my husband today and I told him that I
didn't want him to move with me...because I didn't want to trap him
somewhere far from his family...
I already told him I want a divorce but things are confusing and he
says that we will never really break up...
I do love him but ...

oh well thats enough of a rant for now...
besides he is calling me to come with him....

I will blab more later.....

 

Ask yourself: if you could get from your original partner what you are getting from the new person, who would you prefer to be with?

If you would rather save your relationship, then you would really benefit from relationship councelling together so you could work through all your issues and learn how to communicate without stressing each other.

IMHO Love is too wonderful to throw away. All love is saveable.

 

ok so this was kinda old but I thought I would update it...

the "other person" turned out to be a waste...well I have decided that not only am I worth more even with my mistakes but my children are worth more then they are getting currently that and I don't need anybody...best thing right now would be to put all my efforts and attention on my kids....
so I am going to move but not until I can find someplace that is good for the kids and me to start a new life...I am so sad that I couldn't work it out with my husband but there really are some things that are non negotiable....
like being listened to and like knowing that whoever I am with will not be so unwilling
....I tried boiling it down to a small point that connected all the problems together...the problems I have with him...like I said in the previous post he falls asleep ..so I try to keep things as simple as possible....
but finally a few weeks ago we got into a "normal" argument...which means that he was yelling at the kids and I was asking him not to....and he then told me that he only ever says he will "try" to keep me quiet for a few more days....which is not a new experience...so I told him later that night after putting the kids down to bed that we could not stay together....we have talked about it a a few times since and he always acts surprised well today he started talking about it in front of one of his friends and I got a little upset..not yelling upset but it was very hard to hold the tears back....I wish I could stay with him...I wish I wasn't soo weak as to let my love go like this

but I am trying to do the right thing....

any opinions or advice welcome...
just don't be surprised if I do my own thing anyway

 

falling asleep while you're talking to him seems to be a pretty major issue.

sometimes, my man falls asleep when we're talking about some insignificant shit and i'm doing most of the talking... he says it isn't because he's bored or disinterested, but because listening to the rhythmic voice of someone you care about is soothing, relaxing and comforting. especially when talking about something insignificant, because then you tend to use a soft, even tone.

if you speak rapidly and with an excited tone, does he still fall asleep? does he fall asleep no matter where you're at, or is it always when you're lounging on the couch/his favorite chair/etc? perhaps a combination of your voice and his comfy seat do the trick... you could save the serious conversations for times you're standing or not on his comfy couch. you could try and turn it into a postive thing... like reading to him to help him fall asleep.

also, it's really difficult to be positive when you're shaken awake to, "dude, what the hell? wake up!! this is what i'm talking about -- stop it!" it's kinda jarring and puts you in a bad mood... so i don't know if you do that, but if you do, maybe that's why he gets a bit defensive?

you also said your couples therapist pressured you guys to get married. s/he sounds like an all-around crappy therapist. if you're willing to try marriage counseling again, you should shop around and find someone who seems to be more your style, or at least legitimate/knowledgeable. i bet it would be an entirely different experience.

 

In every relationship we can come from fear or love.
It sounds like you are both coming from fear right now.
Working thru stuff is great and sometimes it works out and there is a healing.
Ask your self if you met him now - would you be in love with him?
Walking around in Guilt is very fear based.
There comes a time where you have to love yourself enough to let it go and move on and use the knowledge you learned in that previous relationship.
Also even more important-Don't judge the success of any relationship by the length of it.
Peace The Wiz

 

Maybe I missed a page, but you have kids, you feel he doesn't treat them well.
You're frustrated with communication, his health problem, and anger. How does his anger manifest?

it seems like you're trying to either look for intimacy you don't have OR find a way to make him leave you.

Edit - I did miss a page. I think leaving may be the bbest option for all parties, and I hope you, your children and your husband have lives that are joyous. I don;t think anybody profits from domestic discord.

 

I agree that you should move on. There are some things that just aren't forgotten and it sounds like you are in a lot of pain yourself and something has been lacking between you and your husband since the beginning (hence the first affair). It sounds to me like you have tried to work it out and it just isn't meant to be. There is only so much anyone can do to save a relationship.

I also think you need to learn to love yourself more and realize what you do deserve. No matter what you have done in your past you do deserve more than you are giving yourself credit for. And most importantly, you children deserve a mother who cares for herself enough to say enough of the emotional roller coaster, and move on. They are watching you and learning from you, don't forget that. Maybe focusing soley on them for a little while would be best for everyone involved. Take a step back from the situation and get some perspective. I'm thinking, just from what you have posted here, that you and your husband just aren't right for each other. And no matter how much you try to force something that isn't there, it won't work. I know it is hard, and I know that part of you loves him. Maybe you could find someone to talk to on your own with out him there, not someone specifically helping you with your relationship, but maybe someone to just help you with you.

Take care, best of luck to you.

Hugs,
Jen

 

i think this is excellent advice, and i also think you should go ahead and move on from your husband. i'm sorry things didn't work out, but just know that you've gained a lot of experience from all this and you'll be stronger person. learn from your mistakes and start anew. that's what i think anyway. if things are meant to be with your husband then they will, but it sounds like you really need to get away right now and just concentrate on your kids.