love problems... (any help appreciated)

Hey,

I came here for advice cos I dont know what to do and I cant seem to get any more help from my friends... I mean, they dont know what to say/think either... Also, I need to talk about this, just because it's the only thing I think about.

Long story, but I'll try to summarize. It started over one year ago when I realized I was in love with this woman, who happened to be around 40 (I'm 20) and a teacher at my university. (And yes, I'm a girl too.) We didnt know each other, she was not my teacher, just someone I'd see around every day, during breaks and such. I decided to write to her, actually no, that took me like two months or something, when I realized I couldnt deal with this any longer and had to tell her about this. And so I did. Well, I didnt actually said I was in love, just that I needed to talk to her... I also mentioned I'd been dreaming about her a lot (which was true, as a matter of fact, I dreamt of her for more than 40 days in a row at first). She never replied, the letter wasnt meant to be replied anyways, I didnt want an answer, I just wanted her to know what I was feeling, well... I dont know... something like "this is about you so you should know it". Didnt want anything with her, I mean, I obviously did, but not in reality, it wasnt like I wanted to go out with her or anything...
The thing is that time went by and I couldnt stop this feeling. I became more obsessed and sadder... She'd say hi to me once every two weeks, we didnt talk or anything, just two words when she said thanks for the letter I'd sent. So then I had to tell my friends cos I couldnt stand this, I couldnt stop thinkin about her, I had to know where she was every second, had to see her during every break, blah, blah, blah... And I sent her a couple of emails. Almost an year after my first letter. She never replied either, not even when I ask her to. I wanted her to say something to me, yes or no, but something. I made myself clear about that, cos I really needed an answer. I needed to hear a "ok, let's have a cup of coffee" or a "girl, go dream somewhere else and stop bothering me with your love letters", but I needed some response, something that could take me out of this craziness... She never said anything and then I went to talk to her, she was so nice, so smiling, so "hiiiii, how are you?", she said she'd gotten my emails and when I ask her if she was gonna reply she said "no, no, I'm not gonna reply" and she became angry and left me talking to myself. She changed her adorable smile for an evil face in a second, just because of that question. Ok, ok, the thing is that even before that, and after that, she was very strange... looking at me, trying to see where I was, trying to avoid me too... unpredictable, on some days she was nice and came and said "good morning" and on others she'd just turn her face away whenever she sees me... So then (time goes by, time goes by) I went to her to ask her for forgiveness for everything, for all this crazy thing, she was nice again and said I didnt have to ask her for forgiveness, that everything was ok, blah, blah, blah. Ok, I thought, everything's ok then. But then, the following week she started to be even weirded... she'd stare at me or freeze when she sees me. And that "look how I'm not looking at you" look as she walked by... Even my friends starting realizing these things, friends that didnt know what the hell was going on. "Do you know that woman? She's staring at you" Yeah, sometimes it was like I was a ghost or something...
Anyway, I went to talk to her again, something like "havent you said everything was fine?" talk, "that's not my definition of fine, you're giving me those looks every day... If I went to talk to you two weeks ago was cause I wanted to make sure everything was fine, and you said it was but then this reactions... what's going on?" and she was VERY nervous, smoking in my face, almost shaking and not looking at me in the eye. "Everything's fine, everything's fine" she repeated. "It's your imagination". Yeah, mine and my whole group of friend's...
And then days went by and she was nice... sometimes smiling, sometimes sayin hi, sometimes not replying to my hellos, sometimes staring petrified... but nice and pretty and adorable as always (yes, yes, I'm so stupid for this woman). And so the semester finished, and on the last day I gave her a letter, long letter, handwritten... I dont know... It was clear, it was a lot clearer than the others, I mean, it's not that bad to be in love with someone you dont know much, there're people who believe in love at first sight, and that's even worse... I dont know, I dont think I'm crazy just cos I wanna be with her, talk to her... And I know she wont ever reply and I sometimes I'm ok with that, and sometimes I feel I'm dying and that this world cant be this unfair.
So, that's the story... Anyway, I may be back to tell more about some things... Cos well, I feel a lot of things about this, I'm confused, I have no idea what she's thinking but she knows she's destroyin me with her silence and she doesnt care? She knows she's not convincing me that I have to stop thinking about her with that attitude, I told her, and she doesnt do anything about it. Does she want me to keep thinkin about her? She doesnt want me to stop this, that's why she's not telling me to stop, that's why she's not tellin me this wait is in vain... What kind of woman is she? Why is she doing all this? Is she afraid of something? God... I dont know and I'm afraid I'll never know.

Ok, thanks for reading this. Hope someone has something to tell me... I'll be around.

xoxo

 

You need to leave her alone...

Quite frankly, you're kind of sounding like a stalker.

MOVE ON!

You hardly know her.

 

ditto. if she wanted to be with you she would be. it sounds like she just felt flattered by the whole thing.

 

Finally, a female knows what it feels like to get shot down by a female! <Nelson Muntz ha-ha sound>

Okay, sorry about that, I just wanted to say that she is probably forbidden by the school to go out with any of the school's students. And have you considered the possibility that she's one of the few remaining women who actually prefer men? I'm sorry it is such a tough time, but my heart has ached for many girls/women, and that alone isn't enough to bring me together with any of them.

 

lol
yeah, yeah, I know, females are such bitches!! lol


Thanks everyone for posting here... You're probably right, I mean, I should move on, stop thinking about this whole thing... I should've done that long time ago actually, but... well... I dont know, it's not very easy. Also, there's something here that gets me thinking there's something else... otherwise she would've come to me and said no. And yes, school regulations... If she'd replied and I'd printed out the email and showed it to her superiors she would be into huge trouble, I know that, she knows that too. And the possibility of her liking men? lol Yeah, it's a possibility, ACTUALLY she might be married... lol, well, she doesnt look married or anything, she doesnt have a ring (if that's something)... god... what kind of a freak am I? I'm very surprised about my attitude about this whole thing myself, believe me. Cos yes, I've been acting like a stalker, and that's not who I am... I dont know, I dont know anything anymore. But I guess I'll be fine... hmmm... I hope so.

 

Love makes me do stupid things too.

 

Aww...
Yes, we're so stupid!
It's nice to know I'm not alone in this stupidity world...

 

no answer = no interest

sad, but true. If she can't be bothered to write an email to you, do you really think she'd be any good in a real relationship? Time to move on chicka

 

It sounds like she is flattered by your attention and maybe intrigued but when it comes down to it, she doesn't seem interested.

You can't love someone you don't know. Love grows over time out of friendship. You are just in love with the ideal of her you have created in your head. She may not be anything like you think she is in reality.

Don't waste your time persuing her and massaging her ego, go do something fabulous for yourself.

 

Yes, I know, I dont love her, I just love someone who looks like her but not her, I dont know her, yeah, yeah, you're right...

Also, I loved the "Don't waste your time persuing her and massaging her ego"! Cos she's got this super huge ego, lol, our friends call her Queen of England cos she believes she's the greatest thing ever (who am I to say she's not, right? hehehehe)... But I guess she doesnt need anyone to remind her she's awesome, she knows that already. Bah...

Thanks for posting here.

 

AGRREEDDD~!!!!!

 

You're welcome

 

Hi, I'm new here...

I would agree with a number of people here on the stalking point. Definitely a stalking-type sitation. I've been there, done that, personally. At least, I know the urge, and I've set rules for myself before (for instance, about never going down the street someone lives on, because I don't want to encourage myself to go down it just to check it out) to avoid following that urge. I would also agree with those who have said that there's no chance of anything coming of all this, romantically or platonically. Further, it's also clear that there are frustrating bureaucratic rules in place about this kind of thing, as has been pointed out as well, and while it sucks--it's the reality of it. But it's also clear that datura is aware of these things.

Datura, I wanted to ramble about some stuff I think you may have going on, from my own personal experience and soul-searching. I am compassionate to your feelings and situation, though I have some fairly hard truths to point out (most of which I think, as with above, you're at least somewhat aware of). It'll be a bit disjointed, but I hope helpful.

I think maybe the best thing to do is to leave her alone, but to stop fighting your feelings, as I'm at least guessing you are. 'Just get over it' has never worked for me, at least, though it's probably the number one suggestion I've received while obsessing. It does sound as though you have supportive friends. It's common and frustratingly understandable that not many people can keep up support of an obsessing friend over time. I don't know what I can say to help with that, but I've been on both sides, and it's hard both ways.

It sounds as though she's pretty freaked out about the whole thing. I understand you are too, and feel distraught, but without suggesting you feel guilty, I would suggest you consider how alarming the situation may be for her. For that reason, and for your own sanity, really, perhaps you should avoid seeing her. And I do mean actively. I guess that's the best advice I have.

I also wanted to put in some thoughts I have from artistic sources, which tend to help me put things into perspective...

I was thinking about your saying when you sent the initial letter to her that you felt she should know because it was about her, and that you really wanted her to know--it reminded me of a line from a Clive Barker book speaking in the voice of an actor's fan, that she just wanted him to know she existed. When I read that it really touched a spark in me--at the time, as a fan who'd composed a few drafts of letters to the author, but also thinking about times I've sent other letters or emails to people I admired. Incidentally, I would guess that while you say you didn't want or expect a response, you very much hoped for one. That's okay and good and normal--it seems as though you're strongly seeking closure. (You know, it might not be a bad idea to get therapy around it. That way you could potentially get assistance in getting that closure without involving her anymore.)

I also think of some lines from Ani Di Franco's song "Untouchable Face" that have helped me accept and feel comfortable with my feelings when obsessed, by expressing them so eloquently and lyrically.
"You know I don't look forward to seeing you again/ You'll look like a photograph of yourself/ Taken from far, far away / And I won't know what to do / And I won't know what to say / Except fuck you and your untouchable face / And fuck you, for existing in the first place..."
Does that say what you feel? I think it's what we turn anyone we obsess about into, what we turn ourselves into when we obsess. It doesn't feel good, although it can be exhilerating. You're not alone in feeling that way.

Here's the big thing--to summarize, sort of. You feel the way you do and that's okay--there's nothing wrong with it. However, it's not her fault, and it's not something she should have to worry about. To reiterate--avoid her. It may be a pain, and maybe it seems as though that's about as bad as going out of your way to see her. I think, though, that that assumes an attitude of "just get over it," and as I've said, I haven't found that helpful. The fact is, you're obsessing about her and it's wigging her out. I would consider that stalking, and that's not cool. Feel what you feel, express that personally, with the people closest to you (and not everyone under the sun, though I suspect that's tempting)--although, hell, anonymously and without descriptive details online like this is cool . The main thing I would bear in mind is: leave her out of it.

As an (or probably yet another) aside--when I say something leave her out of it, I don't mean it as a legalistic thing, but as a spirit-of-the-idea thing. Maybe legalistically I could conclude that it would be okay to drive by her best friend's house, since technically it wouldn't be involving her etc etc. But I wouldn't, because Or, here's a more convoluted example (that I can equally well imagine doing)--I decide to do my very best to avoid her and to otherwise consider her feelings and not let my obsession touch her, intellectually, but underlying that is a hope that if I leave her be for long enough, maybe she'll talk to me or something.

I can see coming to that conclusion, and I suppose that's why I bring it up, out of concern that you might as well. I'd try to counter that with acknowledging that I'm not avoiding causing harm in order to get her to respond, I'm doing it because it's not her thing to deal with. When I consider an eventual end of getting a response, that's involving her in my actions. Never mind that, given all information known to me, she's not likely to look forward to hearing from you again, period. That sucks, and it hurts, and I'm not cold to that--but we all need to hear it stated bluntly at times, I think. Maybe it helps to turn your obsession with her towards protecting her from your obsession.

And maybe I don't know what I'm talking about....

But hope I helped!
VG