Sick of Polyamory in Community!!

Prior to moving to community about 7 years ago, I was a big proponent of polyamorous relationships - I wasn't into it myself, but thought it was totally cool for people to respectfully be involved with more than one person. At this point, though, I am sick beyond belief of it. In the last 3 communities I've lived in, polyamory manifests in group sex orgy parties, constant drama, and even more constant talk about sex and polyamory - even in front of kids. I am really tired of this - and now I have a 2 year old that I don't want exposed to it. In my current community, we didn't even have any polyamorous people here (which I appreciated), but decided to accept a couple who appeared (key word "appeared") to be functionally polyamorous. Now all of a sudden, we've got the same old sex party bullshit and drama scene here, and I hate it. I don't want to leave here, because otherwise it's the best place I've ever lived - we have a self-sustaining farm community, and otherwise great people.

Why are these people so attracted to living in community? So they can have an unlimited supply of sexual partners? Because it's not cool in "normal" society? So they can fuck up my life? I'm not necessarily even looking for any answers, just venting, because I feel like I can't vent about this where I live without being labeled "intolerant."

 

Sometimes we have to look within and without and ask why the programs both internal and external are abided by - and what do we have that we can upgrade to.

Romantic love seems to contain within the virus of co-dependency - attachment - trying to keep things static - unchanging.

Truly before any couple or relationships, there was the individual - unfortunately something too many seem to shun and try to run away from and not Honor.

Some seem to think that by having more than 1 partner they can move into a higher form of loving - but still forget that Love IS.

Love is not and never was conditional. - Nor is it an emotion.
It is more like Existence; for without Love there is no creation and not even the I Am.

In our journey to try to find meaning and purpose we tend to hide from looking within and Working with the Self and others Selfs to Grow Beyond
Beyond to what ? And Why ?

Here in process land - Becoming - - we experience. And if we compare and judge and try to find a niche for that experience, we limit.
Being here Now - Allows without attaching

Being detached is a necessity - for without it we fail to Honor what IS.
And detachment is not about not caring - much the opposite - it is caring enough to open the hand to both hold and let go and accepting All - for All Exists within it's own - It IS - Allowing All to Be all it can Be.

Finding a community where the dramas of attachment - of co-dependency - of attempts to control or influence to our desires to make in an image that we might think in the moment we want may not be easy to find ....... unless we first find it within..

Some times the best gift we can share with any, including our own offspring - is the Honoring of the Self - of the individual striving to find their Way as they journey on

And so in Bowing to another's Spirit - we bow to our own.

NAMASTE

 

communist joe
that has to be one of the funniest stories i have ever read on this site
keep it up (not literally)
guy

 

I think that relationships like that are rooted in nothing more than selfishness and having more than one partner in a romantic sense is PURELY about the ego. No matter how you slice it, it is WRONG. Sorry to offend anyone, but thats just the way I see it. All it does is cause drama and make jealousy eventually rear its ugly head. More often than not, its usually one partner, not both who has the idea of polyamorousness, and its the other partner that goes along with it to be amiable..The practice has nothing to do with love, just ones inability to control lust.

 

This sounds like drama, regardless of poly or not. Some people are just that way.

You generalized it as leading to orgies etc, thats not right.

My wife and I are polyamourous, we dont have any other partners, only
have sex with each other, but we are just honest about feelings.

As far as it being a plague as you seem to think it is, thats
rather closed minded of you.

Why is it that monogamous people seem to think they
are the standard, and that polys are the odd balls.
Monogamy plagues communites too. It manifests itself
in judgemental attitudes, puritanical behaviour, and
prudent outlooks.

The table can be turned man, dont judge people that way.
They are just loving and having partners just like you are
trying to do. They genuinely love, they have kids, they
grow old together, just like you want to.

Sounds like you have confused poly with swinger.

there is a BIG difference.

Would it be the same if you said "sick of homosexuals in the community" or "sick of bisexuals in the community" what about "sick of black people" or "sick of handicapped" or anything like that?

"Im sick of homosexuals in the community, it manefests itself in all the men have anal intercourse and the women craving pussy, and quite frankly, my oneday prudent child sees that, and by gosh, its threating her closed minded up bringing, and i cant have that. What will the preacher at the baptist church think?"

thats what you sound like

 

what a load of shit.

Again, confusing poly with swinger.

My wife and i have never had another partner. EVER, only each other.
We have no desire to seek another partner, have sex with anyone in
particular, or anything like that.

We cant stop making love to each other, after 7 years of marriage, long
enough to do someone else.

Dont speak so highly on a subject that you obviously know fuck all about.

Ego has nothing to do with it. Monogamy is more ego based than poly. Poly takes confidence, and security in each other. Monogamy is based on ones need for another so much that they feel threated by the idea of a third.

If you are confident, and your partner is confident, that admitting that you can love others is possible, only insecure people see a problem with it.

 

Let me clear something up. Like I said before, I used to be really supportive of the idea of polyamorous relationships. Heron, if you and your wife aren't having sex with other people, you are hardly polyamorous in the typical sense I am describing here. I'm referring to people who are open to having multiple sexual relationships at the same time, not people who are honest to their partner about their emotions. I feel totally comfortable myself telling my wife when I find another person attractive. Like you and your wife, I don't go have sex with the other person though.

My complaint here is not about some inborn characteristic like race or even sexual preference. It's about the way - in the last seven years - I've seen "polyamory" manifest in community. I don't doubt that there are functional polyamorous people out there. But they sure don't live with me. All I've seen is crazy drama, disrespectful treatment, and inappropriate behavior in front of kids. So sorry if I sound biased, but that is what I've seen. I'm sick of it. Maybe I should have called this post, "sick of all the polyamory I've seen in community."

 

being in a household that 2 years ago started out polyamourous an now has become cohabitaion between the 3 of us,, and a monogamous relationship with the one that i always knew was my soulmate and not the one ive kept for working on 20 years now,,

i must agree with joe,, it does seem to create more headaches than its worth to live that kind of lifestyle..

I couldnt even imagine the drama involved when yer talking about several couples..

 

1 entry found for polyamorous.

Main Entry: polyamorous

Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: pertaining to partipation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

Source: Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.6)
Copyright © 2003-2005 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't understand heron's definition. While I am open to exploring sexual intimacy in a group I am not interested in a Polyamorous relationship that is ongoing and simultaneous.

I can see how it can become complicated and stir up lots of negative experiences and emotions.

Has the community as a group talked about the nature of this and its effects etc on the community that you're in now? I think that having the feeling of not feeling like you can talk this out and share with others in your community is the important issue here.

 

my wife and I arent CURRENTLY seeking another, etc, but we have the mindset.

Its like this, do you have to be dating a woman to be straight? you can be single, and still call yourself heterosexual right?

We dont have to be with someone else to be polyamourous, though i do have very deep feelings for another female, we cant be together that way.

Polyamorous means loving more than one. Monogamous means loving one.

Do you currently have to be in love to consider yourself monogamous? no, its a mindset.

Besides, you all act like monogamy works flawlessly without drama and inappropriate behavior.

 

far from it. Romantic, IE: loving relationships are the most challenging thing in life i think. at its highest point it is to unite the masculine and feminine emotionally and spritually. I've got 8 years of experience with my wife under my belt- and we've come a long way in our discovery and exploration of ourself and each other- but there is still much more to learn and discover. Life is about the journey, not about being perfect and flawless.

I'm just sayin its not for me- i'd like to master the one on one thing first. I dont however think that this means I cannot love other people- because i love my mother, and my father and my sister and brother and i love my friends deeply. Just not romantically - but that doesn't make the love any less- and i don't consider it polyamorous- just my style.

There are many paths to the top of mount fuji- but only one summit.

 

hey

this is funny. i want to find a polyamorous commune. But really i just want four or 8 people who want to live in the woods and be lovers. I hate drama too. that is why its hard to make happen. people are weird and crazy.

But to me love should be spread between several people. I think friendship and caring is the key to getting a good little polyamorous commune going. But communes in general are usually not just people spending time together There is always an agenda to save the world or enlighten themselves or what not.

I just want to live with my friends in the woods and occasionally get it on in sexy elf costumes using amulets and having a good time being friends.

but people are obsessed with sex. pop culture and sitcoms sort of make LIFE into this horrible obsession with monogamy and taboo sexual behavior which makes it really twisted from what it could be. Its sad that we cant do any better and create a culture that was sexual and healthy at the same time.

I think its really important for people to be polyamorous even if they get stuck in the drama. Some day they might chill out and busy themselves making love without all the worries. I would just ask people to love and care about eachother a little more so they dont have to get upset or overly excited about what is going on in bed. And then just remind them that you dont like sex being discussed constantly infront of children. Just encourage them to take themselves less seriously and develop hobbies in addition to orgies.

it needs to be said tactfully but firmly.

good luck
im interested to hear how it turns out.

 

i once thought poly amory could be a neat concept,,, after having been there n done it foer a bit,,,,,mmmmmmmmmmmmm maybe in a perfect world it could work but i aint seen perfect world anywhere in my lifetime so far , ppl end up with expectations that others cant live by or live up too people end up not liking one anothers ummmm quirks that dont come out til been there done, it and i truly think that as was already asaid it is bout ego and selfishness, having the cake n eatting it too specially on the part of one n not necessarrily on part of the other,,, in our case,,, i would say it was a last ditch effort on the part of one n i have a duty on the other n therefore in asense selfishness,,, but yes hhb n i are monogamous n prolly will be ferever,,, least if i have anything to say on the matter

 

hmmm i found this thread very interesting....



it dosen't quite fit with me though. i am married but i do have a partner i do bring into the relationship for play. so i suppose we are more classified as "swingers"

 

Just because something "feels good" does not necessarily make it right...

Thats all I have to say about that..

 

and who are you to decide what is right or wrong..


at birth were we given a written law book or something?

look everyone is rasied different and our ideas are different, you obviously were raised marry one and stay there forever thats fine for you.

but obviously not all of us were so, how bout you try opening those ears its called openmindedness

 

YAY to OPEN MINDEDNESS !


i also think its kind of nuts that every two people who make a married couple here in america need a giant house and 3 children. That is wrong in my law book. but so it goes!

 

Whatever.......I never said I was raised to marry and stay with one...but I will tell you that I sure as hell wouldnt want the aggravation of more than one mate...So I guess that makes me close minded...since I can control my raging hormones and I dont feel like I have to fuck everyone that I find somewhat attractive.

I'm sure your "open-mindedness" as you call it works fine for you...that is until you find someone that you actually really care for and then they turn to you and say "hey , do you mind if I fuck your best friend??"..."I still love you, I just want to express my love for her"... thats when the drama starts..like I said, its all about the ego.

 

i don't go and fuck everyone i find attraction, you have too mant assuptions about this lifestyle