ok everyone-- i am in need of some advice here, before i lose my mind!!! my daughter, who is 4 1/2 is a spoiled rotten brat. i know that may sound horrible coming from a mother's mouth, but she is the first born granddaughter and daughter, and she has been pampered and spoiled her whole life. i have always been on edge and have always made sure that her needs were taken care of, before she even knew she had a need. and not just me--both of her grandparents are like that too, only worse. finishing her sentences for her, and NEVER letting her think for herself. always "telling" her what she wants, instead of asking her, or letting her make up her own mind. well now that i am beginning to realize this, i feel like it has become irreversible!! she is CONSTANTLY complaining and bitching about this or that. i feel like she is NEVER happy anymore?! I am in my 37th week of pregnancy and feeling extremely worn out, so when i have to tell her "no" i can't play or "no" i can't get up and get her a snack, then "nobody loves her" and "she wishes she had a better, nicer mumma" and so on and so forth. my old man is new at this all, he has only been living with us for a year, so he isn't much of a help. i feel like i am raising him too-not only cuz he acts like a child, but he has NO parenting skills. his parents were just awful at it, and still are, but that is the only role model he has. so i have the added responsibility of breaking him of his bad lessons, and trying to teach him why and how things are done. so even asking him to take care of her for a while so i can get a break stresses me out, because i know things are going to be worse when it is all over. i am at the end of my rope here, and with only a few weeks before the 2nd one is here, i really need to get things under control. maybe she is just really stressed about the baby, or cuz things have been really bad between my old man and i these last couple months. there has just been way too much stress and i know it isn't good, but i don't really know what to do. Please help me --sweetpeace
It probably does have a lot to do with the pregnancy...and will get worse once the baby comes. My dd was 4 when her sister was born, and she became very naughty. It's all about trying to get your attention back. She has to share you with someone else, now. Even though the baby isn't here, yet. You'll need to make an extra effort to spend alone time with her. Snuggle together while you are resting, read her a book. Give her more control...offer choices at breakfast cereal or oatmeal. Let her pick out her clothes...even if it is tacky! Just simple things will make her day. Let her know that even though the baby will take up a lot of your time, you will always be there for her. Your love for her has to be reaffirmed...a lot. It's hard, but you'll both get through it.
I can relate with your situation SweetPeace. I have 4 children. First and formost you need a support system. If things are not going well with "the old man", maybe the two of you could attend some parenting classes together to not only help with your daughter, but to teach him some skills for the baby on the way. Your stresses will be eased to know that the instruction is coming from an outside source so you can remove yourself from feeling like a parental figure to your partner. Your daughter is in need of structure and consequences for her actions. Emphasize your love for her in everything that you do, but also emphasize that you have to be her mother before you can be her friend. Your job is to teach her how to be a woman, and as all women know that doesn't come without sacrifice. My daughter is 5 now and she uses the "nobody loves me" guilt trip a lot. Just reemphasize that you love her, but she still has to obey you. Most important you need to take time for yourself...rest and take care.
This is going to sound weird but its true..... If someone gets what they want whenever they want they eventually ger a high off of it. there is a chemical in the brain that is relieased when you are happy. Hence causing you to want what you want even more. The more you give in to someones wants the worse it gets. Anyways back to what I was saying..... You need to have your daughter on a consistante scheduel from now on(BTW its going to get worse with the new baby coming. My son totally freaked out and acted out BADLY when Jillian came. Be warned lol it sucks but gets better in at least 4 weeks) Anyway if she is used to people telling her what to do remove them from the equasion so to speak. Tell them she needs to start thinking for herself. its not fair of them to do that for her. Then start asking her what she wants from here on in let her know she has a choice. "Ie" Do you want an apple or an orange for a snack? ; Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your tubbies....simple stuff like that at first giving her alot mroe independance. Then just try and re-teach her. It will be hard especially since your due like NOW lol but it will happen..... Be consistant and keep at her to get her to where you want her. Dont give up....tell eveyone else to follow your routine or else they have to be removed(IF it gets to the point of self distruction*with her*) it can happen(My neice was the same way with her mother and great grandmother....she only listened to me and my mom because we were the only 2 consistante with her....) GOOD LUCK
Well, sweatpeace said everyone has always made her decisions for her. So, I thought, like HippyMuncher, that if she felt more in control of little things, clothes, snacks, etc. that she will feel more independant, which is what a 4 yr old wants. She said her dd is spoiled to the effect that she expects her needs to be met right away, she expects decisions to be made for her. She needs to learn that she is capable of making simple decisions for herself. And, that she needs to be patient. Which is hard to do for any kid, especially one that is about to be a big sister! What a responsibility she has! Like I said before, Maddie was HORRIBLE when Virginia was born. She was used to have all of the attention, and it dwindled down to 50% at best. And I had a c-section, so that made it even worse! But, now Virginia is 17 months old, Maddie is 5, and she is an awesome girl. She helps her sister and me whenever she can. You'll see, sweatpeace, it'll be hard at first, but if you are consistent with her, and remember she'll need extra hugs once the baby is born, after a while, she'll get better.
Go easy on yourself. I KNOW how frustrating your situation is. I have my own spoiled 4 year old daughter. (We call her the 'Jefe' when we're talking about her in Spanish. Sarcasticly. It means boss.) (My mother calls her 'Cabrona'. Stubborn little goat.) Anyway...Sometimes when you're just about due to have a baby, especially if you already have a kid, you can just feel like you have to solve everything right now before the next baby gets here. Well, you're feeling worn out and maybe anxious. Right now you need to take care of yourself. People gave some good advice, but I think this is a problem that you have to work on gradually. Giving her (appropriate) choices, like people said. You can't train the baby's dad, though. Not completely. What you can do is take good care of yourself while you get ready to have this kid. When I first had my second kid (the cabrona) I felt so completely overwhelmed. That time passed, though, and now she's almost in kindergarten. Now it seems like it happened overnight. It will be okay. If the problem really is that she gets too much attention and calls the shots, that will end when the baby comes. You just try to take it easy.
thanks everyone for all of the advice and support! things are slowly taking shape & i am blessed she is a very understanding little girl. she hasn't rebelled towards my being firm with her. i think that she actually likes it?! that may sound weird, but i think that she is the kind of person who NEEDS structure in their life. i am not, so i have been trying to find the happy medium so that our lives are both a little less chaotic. i set up a semi-schedule for her--wake up and get ready instead of lounging around. we have library days set aside and not " if you are good we can go to the library" days. she is picking out her own clothes now which will help once the baby is here too. we have cut out refined sugar, and junk foods too, which has made a HUGE difference. she enjoys telling people that she "isn't allowed to have that" or "that isn't good for your body". the only hard part about it all is the days that my old man has off of work, and all hell seems to break loose. she gets very tense around him and very angry. (he has his own anger problems that he is SLOWLY working on) i think she just feels unsure what is going to happen, again because she likes structure and schedule, and he can be unpredictable at times. (oh i can't wait to start counseling--our last resort!) it can be so hard to work on a relationship when there is a little one involved But keep us in your thoughts and prayers. --sweetpeace
sister, I gotta tell ya! Its good that you realize the need to get this under control now. My daughter was not spoiled, but is very controlling, I think it is partly genes, but also, she was 3 when the twins were born and she was always the helper, and a great one...However, now, she is always trying to control what the twins do, and they are 7, they aren't having it! It is a daily thing, and sad too, because she really thinks she is helping, and sometimes she is, she means well. So now I am teaching her that (obviously) she cant control everything and needs to be responsible for her own behavior. She is getting better,but I think there is a lot of work we have to do. I realize it is because she is the oldest too, this is what the oldest child in a family usually does, according to the parents I know good luck!!
