Today Corporate America takes it hat off to one of the most maligned and misunderstood heroes of the great American economic miracle: the common street junkie. In launching the country’s inaugural World Junkie Day the CEOs of Halliburton and Bechtel paid an emotional tribute to those whom they described as ‘the foot soldiers for freedom’ with a lavish celebrity studded performance and a theme song by Celine Dion ‘Shooting Up My Eyes’. Over 1,000 child addicts were flown into the event, held at a secret location somewhere offshore, amid the tightest security ever seen, to lend the occasion ‘emotional context’, organizers said, and also to provide free casual sex for celebrities and guests after the event. Underlining the serious theme of today’s occasion, the televangelist Gerry Robertson spoke about the pain of destroyed lives and the hell of hard drug addiction that these champions of free enterprize faced almost daily in their personal sacrifice to the survival of the super-rich. “Without their insatiable need to buy, buy, buy billions of dollars of hard cash would never find its way into the nation’s unreported economy, money that is then used to pay for all aspects of the American Dream: endless oil, endless wars, and endless plasma TVs. Money that makes us rich!” 16 year old junkie Alfonso Fernandez acting as spokesperson for all young junkies everywhere thanked the US Government for their invasion of Afghanistan, without which today’s gala events would not have been possible. “And of course Halliburton and the CIA. Wherever Halliburton goes, heroin follows!” a jubilant, and possibly high, Alfonso told the adoring mass of celebrities and super-rich. “The junkies of the world salute you! Without you my own addiction couldn’t happen!” Celebrity Melanie Griffiths later told Oprah in a specially convened and emotion charged ‘Celebrity NA (Narcotics Anonymous)’ she had no idea that her multiple face lifts and marriages were financed by the very people, that until today, she had considered the scum of the earth, despite the fact that, as Oprah pointed out, she herself is a former junkie. “God bless all junkies,” Miss Griffiths said, holding her husband to her like a tourniquey, “especially the child junkies who in their shortened life spans will contribute more money to the country’s cash flow than a hundred honest tax-paying workers ever could. I love ‘em.” Melanie’s love was shortlived however as two junkies later stole her purse. In wild scenes private police chased the two youngsters who fled in a stolen car and then, like wild dogs, cornered and shot them. Guests, however, did not let this sour note spoil such a grand occasion and continued to party hard into the night on free champagne and grade-A Columbian coke, provided by party sponsors. Orgiastic scenes of such bacchanalian frenzy had not been seen since the days of Tiberius, historian Kenneth Galbraith told fashion photographers from "Hello!". Tiberius was not available for comment a Pentagon spokesman later confirmed. DON'T FORGET: JUNE 31 IS WORLD JUNKIE DAY BUY AN AFGHAN POPPY AND HELP PRESERVE THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE
Alas, World Junkie Day has been cancelled. "A concept far ahead of its time," post-modern philosopher Baudrillard said to his reflection in the mirror.
