for some time now i havent been feeling good about myself at all, i mean i never really felt good about myself, but now its worse, i feel like im a worthless person, i dont even feel like im dani... like im me anymore, and i have no idea why, im not happy with myself, and i never know what im feeling anymore...i just dont know what to do...sorry i dont want to be a downer, i just needed to get it out, its hard for me to talk about things with other ppl because, i dont want to burden them or waste their time...so thanks for listenin, if anyone could possibly know what i mean and help me out that would be pretty rad... <3
i felt like that turns out i was depressed look up the symptoms of depression & see how many you have if you think your depressed try and fet help
well haha my mom and shit think im depressed, so they put me on this medication cu i also have really bad anxiety, so im on paxil, and they put me into a therapist and its pretty sweet with my therapist because now my mom and i get along better and i have more freedom and were doing lzen: mindfullness to help me with anxiety, and stuff idk alot of shit had been going on, since about 2 years ago , wow that seems like forever, well 2 years ago on aug 5 my brother died, and idk i never really delt with it i just though if i didnt think about it it wouldnt hurt me...then my sister had a baby, which isnt a bad thing cause i love trinity just stressful at times and i feel bad for her cause she dosent get to do things she deserves and enjoy being a young adult, then my OTHER sister moved in with us because she needed to go to rehab, and idk, i try not to be home that much because i didnt like being around EVERYTHING. and sadness cause im not that kidna person im the...happy...crazy kinda person, laughing and shit most of the time trying to do things for other ppl so they are happy, and idk i realized what a bitch i was to my brother and i feel so terrible about it...and how much of a bitch i used to be to my mom, and idk its weird when im around her or when id be, i was a totally different person, i used to have an attitude towards her but im basically a pushover, i feel like i just , idk like no one cares about me and im not a good person even though i realized how i used to be,and even when i usde to argue with her id always apoplogize, it just sucks cause ... my brother, im never going to be able to fix that... EVER, adn he thought i hated him, seriously and i feel so shitty, thats what i think about most of the time.... id try to get away from things by going out with friends...drawing...music dosent work anymore and all i ever hear anymore when im sad is... " have u been taking your pills" it drives me nuts... i just feel like ... nothing im so confused about everything... i feel terrible about myself and not to long ago thomas( this guy i have known since i was about 6 who always used to skate with my brother that i had a huge crush on when i was little) anyways he came back in to my life u know since he moved away and id always think about him and where he was id see him about once a year either at fair or at the mnt. snowboarding and id just be so stoked when ever i saw him and thi year it was differnt cuz im older( hes 18) and like it wasnt like i was lil dani...lil danielle anymore... and he knew what was on my mind and it was so great cuz he was really good friends with my sister and brother, ...especially since he had history with my bro it brought me closer to him and he said when he moved back up which was soon wed be together and how he wouldnt hurt me because he knows that i was hurt, and just mademe feel actually kinda good then out of no where he had a gf again ( ex of 1 year and a hlaf) and it just broke me down and idk i havent felt the same since so then he came back up and thought everything was goign to be fine with us like nothing happened and tried hooking up with my best friend,(and she was with it she liked him back but she had a bf)...just made me feel horrible, like i wasnt even a person, and he was staying at my house all this time ...idk... i have no i dea about anything anymore....so im just saying... hes back down where he lives till him and ryan and jake the other 2 boys that are living with me right now ...get there house so he can do his own thing there isnt anything ican do anyways... i care for him so much... but just.... u know (about 10 months earlier) gavin-we had a thing i guess but it was always hot and cold with him...i was freshman he was jr... idk i never really knew what he thought of me but he had a thing and it was always hot and cold... but idk i really got to care about him, ...im a romantic and idk.... i never really let him get to know "ME"...because i was always shy around him and im the most UNSHY person seriously...so it sucks cuz i know if i let him see the me... thenit prolly eould have been differnt but idk i just got nervous and shy and shit around him and i recently have been hanging out with him alil more... after i havent thought about him... it s llike the only persont hat coule let me completely get over thomas by is gavin and vice versa...its like i dont think gavin would give me the light of daynow...and i have changed and felt more comfortable around him so it sucks...and i dk ahhhh i know this prolly all sounds like petty lil kid bullshit, even if u see that im 14(15 in 4 days )... age is a number, and i really am more matture in specific ways and what not... idk im sorry so long...everything is... crazy im sorry <3
ok so i have anxiety very bad, had it my whole life, and im on zoloft for it, i give you extreme kudos for dealing with it that is wonderfully healthy. when i was around 14 i went through a year phase where i hated myself and the world and i was just pissed off. part of it is that you just have different hormones in your body, it affects your mood as far as your brother, you should talk to your therapist and see if you can get some tools to help you with grieving his loss, thats not an easy thing to deal with as fa as you being a bitch to him im absolutely positive he forgives you, you were having a bad and he understands, i dont know if you are religious but i believe his spirit is watching over you, dont feel guilt for it now sweety peace
ahhhhhhhhh man, thanks guys, input from other ppl helps alot, idk, ... purple granola...im not religious, but im trying to focus on buddhism right now, getting in to it more... i just hope he did forgive because its just terrible to think of...its crazy though, like one of the things that help is so many ppl say were so much alike... haha i party with some of his friends from before ( even though he was 6 years older than me) and they are like LILLLLLL GEORGE... that just makes me ... so incredibly happy that i can even have that said about me, you know ... he was such an aweosme guy.it just sucks cause, im focusing on my self with his death, but it has affected so many other ppl, i feel selffish in a way...idk but thanks to both of you... pansy and purple! ill keep you posted on what happens with my therapist and what not peace forever...<3
