i cannot stop thinking about things like how unimportant life really is, and how people never want to make the wrong decision but in reality who cares because we are gonan die anyway so shut up. i have this girlfriend, she's different. i'm different as well. yesterday night... or last night... what ever, i just couldn't think, and i could not stop getting angry at myself and i stood infront of a mirror and screamed at my image in the mirror, only no sound really came out. and in my head i had many thoughts, i'd think man i look like an idiot, then i'd tell myself to shut the fuck up, then i would say i am so lonely and have nobody to talk to. then i tell myself peopel aren't important, why am i upset, the universe probably goes on forever and there are things billions of times more intelligent then us, and i scream just shut up and live to die. then i find myself yelling how dumb i look and i got angry and said if i don't shut up i will punch myself in the face, and i haven't thrown a punch at someone's face since grade 3. i didn't shut up, so i hit myself, then again, then a few more times, and after all my anger was gone, and my cheeks and jaw hurt. but i am silent. and alone again. i do care, but i also don't. i am just in a mood. i have been for a while. i cannot sleep. i.write.choppy.sentences. i don't know what's wrong. i am not insane, i just can't process anything. i don't know what i am trying to tell myself. i hate being so lonely. my girlfriend listens, but she is busy. man i love her. this story is going nowhere. thanks to anyone who read this far. i dunno what you can write, but feel free to.
well, shit. i just wrote all of that, and already i feel different things... i cannot understand what i am thinking anymore, i used to think i was complex, and now i look back and that was simple compaired to now... i just don't understand the emotions i am feeling, i am lost. if i come and look at this tomorrow, i will have more to say, and say it different and i cannot explain myself... well now i stopped making any logical sense. grr. anyone else in a state of constant confusion, not knowing what is missing from yourself? not being able to wonder about everyhting around you? ugh..
i aways think about weird shit, dont think things are real at time, like i was making out with this chick i realy liked and i had to stop and asked "is this realy happening cause there a chance i might be insane" another time i was talking to my cousin about philosophy and studdenly i had the urge to beat the fuck out of him so i grabed this head and beat it against a car door a couple times then layed on the ground and looked at the stars and thought about if space ever ends,a couple times ive had panic attacks because i knew some day i would die then suddenly be fine with it in the next 5 mintues,i also to talk to myslef some times like im talking to another person which freaks me out, and for some reason the words death,life and love comes to my mind more then any other words.
i have had panic attacks, and i just cant think and i go insane in my head. and then yeah, 5 minutes later i have forgotten about it. and love, death and life are the most common words i think of. when i am sitting here playing a videogame or watching tv, i turn and say something as if a friend or my girlfriend was there... and it is so weird. and shit, i have times when someone is talkign to me and i am talking back, then all of a sudden i am silent and give one word answers because a thought wont exit my skull.
right now i am resisting myself from havign an attack because i just want to scream until my mouth is dry and my voice crackles in pain. i don't understand.
i do the same thing, im always quite i never say much but im always thinking, i think way to much about everything and its weird i feel like thats the only thing i can do, i find myslef waiting alot just sitting there thinking i should be doing something but i dont i just sit there and think
yeah i know what you mean, i find myself going insane over it. i think too much, but i like being alone... yet, i hate it. i just wanan stop thinking and live. what a waste of life. anything important i actually do, i find myself not carign about it after 10 minutes because i just want to want to think. and drive myself to insanity.
that's the exact same thing i do.i'm just always thinking about absolutely everything. dwelling on the tinyest little thing for hours. haveing conversations and thoughts in my head sometimes instead out talking out loud.
This is what happens when you no longer have family or villiage elders to teach us young people how to live life. Parents are alright, they do the main job of raising us, but they're the taskmasters. Without the grandparents around, we take things too seriously. We need that long perspective, that age gained, time tested wisdom. Yeah, I really think the breakdown of the family is a huge huge problem for our society, one of the biggest ones (and I'm not talking about gays or any of that. Just that the generations have gone their seperate ways). Anyways, I know how you're feeling. I used to have the same thing going on when I was a few years younger. I don't tend to argue with myself or get as worked up, but I'm still dealing with it. Life is hard to figure out, I'm completely lost; I've gone from the rage of youth to a nice comfortable depression, here in my rut. But here is my meager wisdom. If you're at rock bottom, you're free. Things can only get better. If you're thinking about suicide, congratulations, you can do anything you want now. Pick up and go anywhere you want, because if you're that low, clearly you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The way I figure, you're right. I wouldn't say life is unimportant, but the details often are. It's all up to you, this is your masterpiece. This may be our only shot, and we are free, despite what anyone tells you. It's hard to break certain bonds, I haven't done it yet and I hate myself for it (I keep saying "someday" which as CCR sang, "someday never comes". I gotta stop procrastinating). I believe no one should hold me back from living my life as I see fit. But we have it hammered into us from day one, all these obligations: school, college, work, family, etc. The formulaic life, bleh. Not that those are bad, but it has to be your choice, not something you're pressured into. Well, I'll leave it there.
well, suicide is just a waste, well i think so. if you compare the number of living things on earth, to the number of things that had the chance to live, we come off as pretty lucky. it reminds me of the price is right, theres so many people in the crowd, but only a select few get to participate. i don't define my problems as a depression, more of an obstacle, it makes me stronger. but why do i need strength. if i did not have any problems, perhaps this unique chance at life would be a little more fulfilling. i hate being so pointless terms of the universe, but should i really care? my girlfriend told me this: there's so many people you meet within your lifetime, but so many will pass, and never be seen again. it's sad, you are always alone no matter what, because eventually the person you share everything with will leave you, for any amount of time. we are stuck with ourselves. i don't know what i am trying to say or prove here, but this confusion, is it actually a different emotion i have not defined yet?
right now, i'm in a mood where i have forgotten all about this problem. i am sure it will return soon, but i am going into town soon so that'd keep me busy. though i might find myself sitting on a bench in the mall thinking.
but why do i get so angry, and worked up, and can't grasp the concepts of what just happened? sometimes everyhting feels fake.
frustration,i think you should be angery and feel this way at times its all part of life man,your going to have lows and high your whole life,just keep thinking and questioning and know that it will all change.
my mood now? it is just the worst... well i have had worse, but it... shut up. i just don't wanna be in this mood, my girlfriend is mad because i care about her, and she is leaving tmorrow moring to camp until the next night, and she says she has lost motivation. she says that when it is about me, but she is going camping, that has got to take more motivation then hanging out with a guy who she loves (yes she does) for a few hours in a day. oh god i am such a moron, maybe i try too hard, i try to please friends sometimes too much, and they just forget i am liek them, human. i am just sick of the people around me, and mostly, i am sick of my fuckin self.
just chill man ive had worse and you will have worse,in my opinon fuck people i dont like them so i have very few friends but the firends i do have im realy close with.
no i am not on drugs, i used to occasionally do weed but quit a long time ago. i have friends, but i am not really close to a single one. whenever i warm up to one it coems back to slap me in the face. so i really have nobody to talk to. its my mind arguing with itself, i only ever have one opinion. i hang out with friends a lot, but i never talk about anything. i know things will be worse, but for right now i don't give a rat's ass. and i don't care about now... but i also do. i just can't stop thinking about stupid things. it'd be nice to just sleep for a year.
Talking on the forum is surely a good way of getting these feelings out, but have you tried actually speaking your feelings to someone? It sounds really cliche and retarded, but sometimes just getting those feelings out in the open is a huge help. It can make the "horrible horrible" stuff seem to trivial. Or, in the least, it can give you another person's insight on the situation. Only you can make yourself feel alone. Much luck and stuffs Ganja_Goo
you dont have any close friends man,why would opening up to someone come back and slap you in the face,you should try and find someone you can talk to man thats would help alot
