Can long-distance work?

I was reading this (my favorite blog) http://brechi.blogspot.com/2005/03/flirt.html, and realized that I am in the same situation. The boy I really like lives in San Francisco and I live in SoCal.

What do you guys suggest I do? Should I try long distance or just give it up?
CAsurfingBoy

 

Your question is a very valid one, but unfortunately it is filled with way too many variables to offer a simple yes or no answer. In order to determine whether or not a long-distance relationship would work for you (and that's the PLURAL you), you have to ask a few basic questions of introspection:

1. Do we want a totally monogamous relationship, or is it OK if we see other people from time to time without anything serious to come of it?

2. How often do we really have to see each other? Is once a month or four times a year enough contact?

3. Is this long distance situation a temporary one or is there a chance that we will be closer in geography at some time in the future?

4. Do I want to have and maintain a long distance relationship to avoid sexual contact with others and to keep myself safe?

5. Do I fear intimacy?

These are just a few questions that come to mind. Imagine what it must be like for someone whose loved one is in jail, prison, or overseas due to work or war.

I personally haven't been in a relationship in awhile so I'd probably not be the best source for you. I'm also 40+something an d that puts me in a different category hormonally!

 

The main problem that I had with a long distance relationship was all the stress it gave me, my social life didnt do too well cause I was wrapped up in my internet and telephone world, and when I'd see him next.

Another thing not so much to consider as to keep in mind is, well, you could date someone long distance for a year, but if you were physically together the relationship wouldnt last longer than a week. People really are different in person in a lot of ways, even if its just "he didnt look like I expected" shallow things...

If you do go for it, also keep in mind to not spend your entire time talking about how much you miss each other!! Conversations can move very fast into you both being upset at not being near each other, or one being jealous/frustrated at not being able to experience stuff with you..this is where long distance can make relationships longer..you don't have quality time, you have whining time, and you're telling each other how much you miss the other, which makes you miss the other, not missing their smile/laugh/conversation. Hard to put. You miss someone because you spend your time thinking about how much you miss them, instead of missing the actual person, and in some cases, without actually knowing the other person much at all..

Just my experience. By all means try it, but don't be scared to break it off just because you live so far away...

 

My boyfriend and I live 100 miles apart, yet we're going to celebrate our 20th anniversary in July. Not only do we live in different cities. . .We live in different countries; I'm an American living in Vermont; he's a French-Canadian living in Quebec.

We met at the 1985 Rainbow Gathering in Missouri. At the time, I was living in San Francisco. Georges has lived in Montreal all his life. I moved back east to Vermont in 1994 primarily to live closer to Georges, as both Canadian and American immigration law precluded us living together.

The secrets to our longevity:

1) Our mutual love for the hippie culture. It's what prompted us to go to the Rainbow Gathering in the first place, so meeting each other there was Kismet.

2) We've always maintained an open relationship (I'm bi, he's exclusively gay). Strict monogamy has never worked for either of us; it breeds jealousy and distrust -- the two greatest killers of relationships.

3) We both have a fetish for long hair; nothing stimulates our libido more. This, combined with our love for the hippie estetic, is almost non-existent in the dominant "queer culture." Birds of a feather stick together -- especially if those birds are extrremely rare.

4) We have the same birthday, April 8 (I'm the senior partner by six years). Because we're both Aries, it was just as well that we don't live under the same roof. We're both very strong-willed, stubbornly independent individuals. Georges and I knew early on that had we lived together, we would have been fighting each other within a matter of weeks.

5) After two decades together, we've grown too content with each other to even think of separating.

If there's one thing that I can advise you of, it's this: If you and your partner are truly compatible -- and unique -- don't let a matter like geography stand in the way of your happiness. Especially if you instinctively know that there's no one else like your partner living in your area.

-- Skeeter

 

i recommend not being in a long distance relationship...it makes you paranoid every time they go out or every time they dont call...i am currently in one and on the verge of calling it quits.

 

I think it can work, as long as you both are very certain that you know what they would look like. I met someone that had sent me a picture of himself that I thought I could find attractive but when I met him I was repulsed.

 

no - no it doesn't

 

It depends on how you both feel.

 

I'm in a REAL long-distance relationship. I live in Pennsylvania and my boyfriend lives in Arkansas, more than 1,000 miles away. We have been chatting online and continuing to fall deeper in love for over a year now. We exchanged pictures long ago and have committed ourselves fully to each other. Being Christians, that's a vow we take seriously. After he finishes his senior year in school next year, he will be coming to live with me in PA.

Though I will have to take a bus trip out there to get him and bring him here, I find it to be all worth it in the long run. However, we do not have the same luxuries as other long-distance couples. We have never met in person, we can only talk to each other over the computer, and at the moment, I am completely unable to call him long-distance. My dad would never tolerate out-of-state calls, and even when I move to an apartment, calling is still out of the question. He doesn't want his family to find out that he's gay until after he has managed to sneak away and it would be difficult to explain to his parents why he is calling a someone several states away.

Anyway, despite the long distance, we are very much in love, and as time goes by, our love grows stronger and we become more and more committed to each other.

I think long-distance relationships can work, but they have to be planned out carefully in order to make them work. I don't see why yours couldn't work if done right.

 

I agree with this.

 

Hey,

I am in a situation right now, with a long-distance relationship as well. I am gay, and I met an amazing guy over the past month and a half. I'm sure you've read about it in my other threads- he lives in GERMANY. So, he lives across the Atlantic Ocean, in a different country.

We dated for the month (plus) that he was here, and we absolutely loved eachother. Now, we are staying in contact via email, and snail mail (I love snail mail because its more intimate, its coming from your lover's actual hands). Although we haven't called eachother yet, we plan on doing so (probably not too much more than once a month).

Neither of us really know what to do with the relationship- we both know that we love eachother, but we also are giving eachother the freedom to have other boyfriends until we meet again (as long as it's not really serious). It's really an open relationship.

I'm planning on visiting him next summer, in Germany, for a month.

One of the things that will really help me decide about whether I want to really continue or not, is time. Time, time, time. We are no doubt going to stay in contact, and at the absolute least stay great friends, but by, let's say, winter, it'll be a great way to determine exactly how I feel.

Right now, I'm still grieving over his departure for Germany (two weeks ago he left!), and it really sucks. I love reading his emails, and we've both realized that telling eachother we miss eachother can't be the subject of all our conversations, or else we won't be having a relationship. My way of keeping in good contact is to let him know whats going on in my life at home, as much as possible, and talking about him. The main thing that sucks is that I can't hold him; I don't have someone to really hug and kiss, and lay next to.

Now all I can do is stay in contact.

And that's all you can do. Atleast you guys don't live so far apart as my "boyfriend" and I. And Im sure you'll be able to see eachother more than once a year.

But good luck.
Don't let jealousy take a hold of you.
Cheers,
Dylan

 

I've got relatives from Spain visiting this week, and they want to fix me up with a guy who lives in Madrid. This guy's family and my family have known each other for many, many years. I've met the guy several times and we like each other, but I don't want that sort of distance.

pianoperson, I don't want to discourage you from your situation. It's just that it's not what I want for myself, especially since I recently met someone much closer.