i don't know why, but for some reason when a guy likes me and is aggressivley pursuing me it makes me very uncomfortable. For instance, there is a guy at work (he's married btw) and he sort of asked me out "when his divorce is final" (i have reason to believe that he is really not getting a divorce and is just a jerk) and since then he's been going out of his way to run into in me at the office and has asked another girl at work to find out if i'm interested in him...and it makes me soooo uncomfortable (and hellllooooo....he's fucking married! asswipe) when i get to work i'm always worried about running into him becuase it gives me this very uneasy feeling (like a feeling like i've been violated) isn't that so extreme? i don't understand why this type of thing makes me feel like this....its always been like this too. in middle school there was a guy who was trying to get me to go out with him and i freaked out and went out of my way to avoid him in the halls and began completely ignoring him at school. obvioulsy now that im much older it doesn't affect me the same way anymore (i used to get depressed about it some) but it still makes me very uncomfortable. now there is another guy at work who ive heard is also interested but he's a very nice guy (im not interested though) and he has not tried to ask me out or anything and i feel fine about him. it's when someone is pursuing me that i get weird about it. i've had plenty of boyfriends before, it's not that i'm afraid of men or relationships at all...all those boyfriend were guys that i'd met thru friends and a relationship just sort of blossomed very naturally. i've also dated lots of guys which i've decided that i wasnt interested in after a few dates and with them i pretty much just stopped talking to them after letting them know that things werent going to go any farther. im not a bitch or anything....it's not like i feel that im too good for these guys at all it just is uncomfortable for me for some reason and i cant figure out why~ like it makes me feel *violated* if a guy is being aggressive in trying to get me to go out with them. i know that i don't like it when people are that foward, and that's cool thats just the way i am but the way it makes me feel kind of dirty, and violated is the extreme part that i dont understand. whats wrong here? i'd like some input from you kynd ladies or even any guys who feel like commenting. i also feel kind of embarresed about posting this~
I'm the same way. I have no idea why I do it. It's not just when a guy is agressively pursuing me either. If I like a guy first and then he shows interest in me I freak out and avoid him. I don't really feel violated when a guy reciprocates a feeling, but I do feel dirty. I hate doing this because it makes me seem like an uncaring bitch, when really I have feelings for this person! It's like a cruel joke my mind likes to play on me, AND the other person involved. For me I think the answer is to try to push through these feelings and step outside of my comfort zone. Since you don't even have an interest in the guys pursuing you it doesn't seem all that weird that you feel violated, especially when they're being so persistent. I think the married guy you described would make most people feel uncomfortable with the way he's going about it.
yeah that guy at work is def a jerk....he really weirds me out. but it's not just with him..its with any guy that *shows* his interest in me.... like with ex boyfriends, obviously the've had to show their interest for things to get to the relationship part....but they were guys that i was also *very* interested in (im very picky and have to REALLY like a guy in order to be with them) and things progressed on a really mellow and organic sort of level. like you, there were also guys i *thought* i had an interest in but when they returned the feeling i freaked out and became really put off by them and avoided them at all cost.....like you said it made me feel dirty. it's so strange, like a feeling i imagine someone would feel after being molested (in a round about way....please dont take offense to that anyone...its they only way i can think to describe it) i just cant shake it either and it stays with me for a long time untill the guy ends up out of my life somehow.......
Aah yes, its good to be celibate jedi, yes . You see some guys try to avoid these types of things and completely give up on women and let their parents decide
but seriously , maybe on a subconscious level you feel that men who *show* their interest in you are looking at you as their doll of sexual delights rather than look at you as another human being with thoughts/feelings/life? This scares you and you don't want to be used for someone else's pleasure? its like they are after your equipment and not the real you. also, I think its okay to ignore people, as long as you don't insult them. sigh, I *used* to know a girl who showed alot of interest in me when I was in high school.. I didn't hit on her, I didn't ask her out, she just started to call me honey one day, proclaimed that I was her boyfriend... (we were 14 yr old kids.. okay? ) and I was terrorised all over the school by her. Finally one day, I insulted her saying that I hate her and some stupid comment about how fat she was...you have no idea -the pain and the agony I went through after that.
i think that might be a part of it~ i just feel like maybe a normal person would be flattered and feel good about being wanted whereas i just feel kind of discugsted about it.....like i've been trying to figure out what the reason is behind it all and i just cant figure it out...i was this same way since i can remember....even at 10 and 11 years old. i definatley don't want to ignore these guys, i feel like a mean person....but any contact with them makes me so uneasy.
why don't you want to ignore? I don't think ignoring them is mean, its better than insulting them, just be honest and tell them that you do not have any interest in them or if that is impractical because they might be of some importance to you at your work place... do what my sis does- tell them you already have a boyfriend/engaged even...
jedi, you make good points. elaborating on that, somewhat... if someone persists you after being told "no" many times is, at least to some extent, a violation. you don't want him in your face, coming on you, pressuring you, etc... and the fact that he doesn't respect that would skeeve anyone out. people who are just too persistant aren't usually head-over-heels in love and feel that they have to persue you because you're a truly amazing person whom they want to get to know. if it were that way, there'd be some respect involved. usually, those agressivly persistant types have something wrong with them upstairs, and your feelings might be your gut sending you warning signals. i'm not talking about some sweet guy who is willing to risk getting shut down a couple times to try to win a girl over, i mean the creepy persistant types, like ones who send the vibe you're getting from the co-worker. i mean, you said it wasn't all guys, just guys of his nature. does that sound about right? do you tell him "no" clearly and assertively, no nervous giggles involved? you can be clear about things without being mean, and you don't have to lie and make up a boyfriend (that might not solve the problem... he might hear, "oh i would! if only i didnt have a man, darn!"). just be straightforward and honest, and you might have to tell him that he's making you uncomfortable. if that doesn't work, then i don't see anything wrong with being a little rude. you can just simply say, "back off," and walk away from him (say it loud enough for someone else to hear if you need to). what sort of things does he do? does he try to touch you, call you names like sweety, or stop by your desk excessively for no reason? find out about your companys sexual harassment policy if you think he's crossing any lines, then talk to him about it. if that doesn't work, you could talk to a supervisor and see what they recommend (no shared shifts, a desk being moved, etc). if he's not touching you and is just skeeving you out, you still have grounds to complain that his excessive unwanted attention makes you uncomfortable, and that you've spoken to him about it, but it hasn't changed. if he does change after you talk to him and you still feel skeeved out, then you've just gotta give it time and work through your feelings of discomfort. it doesn't mean they aren't warranted, though. you could avoid getting on an elevator alone with him, things like that. but hopefully your discomfort will eventually go away once he backs off. i once had a creepy co-worker ("j")who was hitting on me all the time at work, asking me out, stopping by when i was the only one scheduled, etc. he got my phone number from my file at work and would call non-stop, and one day he even followed me home from work! when i finally talked to my boss, he said "j" implied we were dating, and was concerned about workers dating, but other than that saw no need to step in on j's inappropriate actions... i'm glad i talked to my boss to clear my rep and set things straight. i ended up having to quit and change my phone number, but nonetheless i know i can put them down for a good referal, and they won't tell a future employer that i mess around with my co-workers. ewww.
i am 18.i finished high school last yr my parents and i thought it wasnt a good idea to go out with guys while in high school. So whenever a guy asked me out, i sed no, and i sed i was off the market till the end of high school. Then i found out about 5 months after i graduated that a whole mob of stupid guys where betting to try and bonk me. i felt like a piece of meat. And i think that is what causes me to get creeped out at the site of a guy that might like me. I just think of the movie "cruel intentions", I swear i am that chick, except that i didnt fall for the "i am a good boy" type. i am a christian and this may explain my celibacy, but when i have solid and evident ethics when it comes to relationships, all the sleezy boys tried to get me? like u guys above, i dont understand, the vibes and creepiness. ignoring them is hard when u like them too. I see one of the guys that started the bet everyweek, and he acts like the bet never happened and he seems so genuine, but eerieness presides.
good input everyone~ lawngirl, my manager actually knows about it...she is the one he asked to talk to me about whether or not i'm interested and thankfully my manager is awesome and told him that that would not be appropriate and then informed me of the coversation...she even offered to watch me walk to my car that day because his advances have been creeping her out too. for some reason i have a hard time saying a straight up no to these people....i guess ignoring them is the easy way to go as well as my natural response. i feel like saying no would hurt their feelings or make me look mean or somthing...it's very uncomforatble for me to reject someone outright even though im a very self assured person (i sort of rather they got the hint, ya know? even though that method doesnt work as often as it seems like it should). its not just with the creepy guy from work though...its with any guy, even a nice guy, so long as they are vocal or showy about being interested then i get really creeped out. i think for the most part i've been working thru these bad feelings rather well.....it's the cause of them that has me puzzled. i've never talked about it really with anyone, so i dont know if its like a common thing....i assume not~ i apprechiate everyones comments gina i totally understand....i really dont like to feel like im being sought after for a sexual relationship either, as jedi mentioned. its sort of unnerving to think that there are guys who dont give a damn about who i am, they just want to use me to get off.....bothers me.
No you're not being extreme in feeling violated and really uncomfortable. I'm the same way; I get almost nauseous about it in fact.
