Open Relationship Troubles!! Advice Needed Please!! Dont Wanna Lose Him!!

Hi. just thought someone out there might be or have been what i goin through and be able to give me some advice.

im gonna try and keep this short guys. ive been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs now. we stil love eachother very much. weve recently took time out until xmas. i came back to the uk and hes at home in spain. were in touch most days.

in the beginning, we had a closed relationship. after a few years i wanted to open it up a bit so i suggested threesomes. he was a bit against it but things went well. but then i had a couple of years goin through a breakdown which was pretty tough for us both. during this time, our sex life ground to a halt and because i didnt want to go out on the scene neither, my boyfriend was forced to go on his own and eventually started having sex. i know he felt bad but i told him it was ok and that i understood. at that point it really wasnt a problem.

as my depression continued (about 3 yrs) he was always there for me but he ended up having to do a lot of stuff on his own. holidays, weekends away with friends, family stuff. we drifted apart to an extent, my depression lifted although i stil didnt want to go out and my sex drive didnt come back. then last may, he broke up with me, saying the relationship didnt fill him anymore, we were more like friends, he loved but wasnt in love. hed met someone else. i was devastated.

9 months later, he contacted me and said he had made a mistake. i moved back over and things have been good. the sparks bad, sex is good, lots of love and affection, better than i ever imagined it could be.

my problem is, over the years through necessity, he has got to enjoy sleeping around so much on his own that he wants this to be a totally open relationship or nothing. and im not ready. im stuck way back before the breakdown. yeah doing the scene, sex outside of the relationship, but together. after returning ive realized how consumed he has become by the gay/drug/gym/disco/sex bubble. hes aquired such confindence. and with the onset of summer and the usual arrival of gay tourists, he just went into overdrive. hence the break.

he says its just a bit of fun but its more about his ego and self esteem. ok, we had a hard few years during my breakdown and i understand he found a way to feel good about himself, but at the end of the day, he doesent. after a weekend bender in the city or a week screwing around in ibiza, he always comes home feeling cheap. saying he doesnt know why he does it. he misses me every moment hes away. so its normally....hugs, him telling me how much he loves me, hes not going away alone anymore, shower(washing the sins away), make love, supper and cuddling up till daylight.

ofcourse, all this is affecting my self esteem. im pretty screwed up. i feel jelous and angry, rejected, cause he wants to go hunting (for want of a better word) on his own. he says its easier to find sex on his own. i feel used when we have sex like im second best. im insecure and dont trust his commitment to me. i worry all the time hes gonna give me the same line as before and tell me its over when he meets someone else.

he has tried his best to reassure me, i cant deny that. hes told me im the one a million times, he learnt that during the split. were half way through building a house together at the side of his parents who by the way are superb people. he commited to me legally through a family lawyer which his parents had to be involved in and were totally for it. ive really beaten him a couple of times in rage and he took it on the chin, stil loving me. hes had the patience of a saint. and last month (this might sound stupid) he came home with my name tatued across the top of his dick IN RIDICULOUSLY LARGE LETTERING, telling me that now everyone he sleeps with knows who the owner is. the last time we spoke he said "what more can i do to put you at ease?".

i know if i dont accept this im gonna lose him. i wanna accept this cause hey.... i can go and screw who i want too! and i know it wont go on forever. he will burn out eventually.........wont he?

ps. im no idiot. i know all gay relatioships get to this point. open. you can either work through it together or give up like i did with my first partner of 12 yrs. why bail out again.....lose someone who is everything to me and visa versa just because of sex! to start a third relationship only to get to the same point again................

if anyone has any opinions on this please get back.

thanks so much guys. marc.

 

wow...
well, I've never been in a situation at all like yours...
but it DOES seem like he's committed to you, although he sleeps around.
I think the best thing to do is to try and look for the reason you believe he sleeps around so much, and help him realize the addictions he has that are causing him to crave doing so. Help him grow from this situation, and try to let him understand how on-edge you feel. Explain to him how your self esteem is low; in other words, be completely honest, and communicate- that's the only way possible to solve things in a relationship- honesty and communication.

At the same time, this may be something, as you said, that he might need to get past..perhaps it is a phase or something. If that is the case, then you just need to try and open up a bit as well, and try not to be so attached to him.

What happens will happen for the best- if you're good for eachother, this won't pull you two apart.

Take a deep breath...and talk to him more (im sure you already have)... It sounds like you may also need to give him a break too. You never know how he might feel inside too...
Cheers,
adn Good luck!
Dylan

 

Yikes! At the very least, you need to sit him down and keep talking as lovingly and as honestly as possible.

I really think that if you're going to have a successful open relationship, there should be some rules. Anybody, anywhere, any time just doesn't seem to work for lots of guys. Many male couples find it better to have some limits or boundaries on outside sex.

It's obvious the two of you feel things very intensely. The beatings and the tattooed penis indicate that pretty strongly. I would encourage you to talk to someone who counsels male couples.

 

Yeah, I agree with SageDreamer- you guys obviously feel for eachother..but as far as a counselor, I would have to disagree...I think it's something you need to work on amongst yourselves.

but yeah, defintely try and set some rules for hte open relationship, and keep on talking, and communcating, and being honest.

 

Hate to hear about this crap happening to you!

I agree in the previous two posts. Like they both said, communication and expression is key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. However, keep in mind that any successful relationship must be mutual as well. It takes patience, sacrifice, and compromise. Both people must feel a sense of sense of satisfaction and complete trust in each other.

It seems like these key factors are missing or disrupted in your current relationship. It is important that both you and and your partner find a way to make things mutually acceptable to each other. This is where expressive communication comes in. And remember, don't dish it all out on him in anger. There are obviously some flaws he may find in you, even if his perception does not match with your perception of him. Remember, it's mutual. It's not all about YOU. Make sure you listen to him.

On the other hand, perhaps another time out in your relationship will do you good. He seems to have trouble understanding your feelings toward the relationship. Maybe another hiatus will give him more time to reflect and understand, which could be beneficial for you as well.

So do what you can as fast as you can before things become complicated!

 

just put it in his ass lol