Online relationships are stupid. (Very long, sad story)

This post is AKA "The Ballad of Derrick and Carly"



So about two years ago, this neat girl from Detroit e-mailed me out of the blue telling me how she was a big fan of some poems of mine she'd read online. That summer we talk pretty often and get pretty close-- our long conversations ranging in topic from everything to deep philosophical ponderings on art and God to discussing super-private things (think masturbation habits for instance, ha). Sometimes we'd joke about the idea of entering a relationship together, but neither of us seemed willing to enter a long-distance relationship (especially since her parents would freak out if they even knew she had an out-of-state friend) and at times, we were so frank and honest with each other we'd become downright nasty-- not someone you wanna get involved with, right? But we were so exactly alike that the idea we were actually soulmates crossed our minds often...

The next year she started dropping subtle to not-so-subtle hints that she wanted me to be her boyfriend, from love letters to "ohhh do you know what I'm wearing right now?" quasi-sexual comments. Also that year she attempted suicide-- afterwards she seemed drastically different, definitely more lively and happy, but also she started to become a somewhat more 'generic' middle-American teenage girl. She started trying harder to blend in with her friends than continuing to "march to the beat of her own drum." By that summer, she had convinced me having cybersex and regular phonesex with her with a good idea and had informed me she had decided I was the right person to lose her virginity to. Within mere months, our relationship had escalated from friends to a weird sort of couple. It was almost as if we had our own entire world made up of all our shared interests and goals, weird intellectual stuff we'd do together like try to learn languages or read up on anthropology, poems we'd write for each other.. It was beautiful really, I doubt two human beings were ever so intensely in-sync. Oh, and we'd masturbate together too-- that was always a gas.

It became so intense that we were both convinced our union was Destiny and already started laying the foundations for what seemed to be a perfect future. It really seemed to us that Destiny had put us together and nothing could ever rip it asunder, so we didn't even really need to work at our relationship much. All she demanded was that I, as soon possible, visit her and sleep with her, thus, in our view at that time, binding us together spiritually forever. I spent months at aborted attempts trying to get up to Michigan-- my family was completely unsupportive, she never even told hers about me-- she developed this half-assed plan wherein her friends would drive us around to secret motels we'd split the cost for. Eventually my mom caved and let me go visit her for her birthday. I took the Greyhound up nervous with anticipation about the major step I was taking-- when I was twenty minutes outside of Detroit, she called to tell me somehow her dad had found out about EVERYTHING and she didn't know what to do.

I waited in the bus station for hours, only to receive an irate call from her dad telling me "GO HOME!"-- he was under the impression I was some online pederast (her and I are little over a year apart in age) his daughter was dumb enough to invite up to have his way with her. The people at the bus station were inept and refused to honor my return ticket on the same day as my arrival. I had far less money than I thought I did and no other contacts in the area, save one Great-Uncle who was too senile to remember me or to drive a car to fetch me. Night and a fierce storm soon came and I had no money, no where to go, no means of getting home.. I wandered Detroit's skid-row for a while crying over the fact I was so close to this person who meant so much to me yet I couldn't even see her. It was the worst, most crippling feeling I had ever endured. Eventually I got taken in by a Salvation Army in a neighborhood of condemned tenements and vacant lots filled with garbage. I spent the night on a loveseat from the 70s, stained with vomit and piss.

The next day my mom was able to wire me money to go home with and I rode back wallowing in my own misery. When I got home, she called me and I talked to her father briefly. We actually came to like each other, but he said he couldn't condone how my relationship with his daughter had ended up and had decided it was so unhealthy he had to forcibly end it. He allowed me a few minutes for us to share our tears and goodbyes. But I decided she'd be back someday, to wait for her..

After that whole incident I was burnt out, life simply felt less fun. It left me with a lot of bad memories which made me dislike travel, my former favorite activity. It made me resent my friends who had successful relationships. The world lost its color for me-- I was disconnected from my future, the center upon which I had built a lot of my life the past year, the bond I came to rely upon. Months past and I heard nothing from her, I decided to remain loyal to her until she came back and we could try to pick up the pieces and resume. The only news I discovered about her was devastating-- a friend informed me she had "moved on" pretty thoroughly and currently had a boyfriend there. The boyfriend was a Christian republican who hunts! I was upset at her for being so fickle when she convinced me of how strong what we had was and also for her poor judgment..

The next month or so was devoted to parties of some type or travel and I began to let myself have a little bit of fun again, on a reduced level. In between a stay at a beach house and a trip to New York, she sent word that she was going to start talking to me in secret. This simply stressed me out-- of course I wanted her back, but if her dad found out she lied AGAIN, he'd probably cut us off permanently. I came to like her dad and I thought we had an understanding, I told her just to wait it out and we both comply with his wishes until he would let us talk freely once again. However, she was persistent and we began talking again.. I mainly told her I was not cool with the boyfriend thing. She assured me he was more like a friend, it was very casual that she merely exploited him for rides and money, and then explicitly promised she would not sleep with him, that she still wanted me..

Afterwards I tried to contact her a few times, only to be ignored for nearly a month. I became a little obsessive, hovering over the computer or clutching my phone hoping any second to hear word from her, to try and start our relationship anew. However, when time passed and she returned, she very casually stated that she had lost her virginity to the boyfriend and was planning on continuing to sleep with him-- but she said she didn't see how this would affect our relationship and that she wanted to continue as planned. I became more upset than I've ever been and literally lost it; she made fun of me, she became very cruel all the sudden.. very vindictive. I wallowed in deeeeeppp depression for days then tried to contact her, only to be met with general bitchiness and insults. She blamed me-- saying that my lack of eagerness to talk to her the last time we spoke made her assume she needed to lose her virginity to someone else. I took that and blamed myself for days. She had changed so completely within less than a month-- she was no longer the unique individualist I once worshiped, she was just another bitchy selfish high school girl like the ones I tried to avoid back in school. In act of desperation, and convinced by my mom and best friend it was the "right thing", I told her dad everything she had done-- I felt sorry for him, he tried to keep his daughter from sex for a little while longer (eh, they're Catholic) that he cut me off, only to have her do this behind his back with someone welcomed into his home. It was an act of finality-- I thought that she would have to 'find herself' and be removed from the boyfriend. The dad found the situation so intense and strange, he told me there was literally nothing to do anymore and he simply "gave up on it."

Blown away by her sudden transformation, I decided to investigate her behavior as of recently and talk to some of her friends. I was greeted with the harsh truth that she had been going out with this guy back when WE were still going out, in fact she took up with him when our relationship was at its best! She had been hooking up with him prior to that, even. In fact she completely lied about her sexual history and partners-- although she was still technically a virgin until she informed me otherwise, she was not as innocent as she had presented herself. Contrary to what she had told me, this was no wanton act of desperation-- she had been planning to sleep with this guy for months in advance. Her main motivation in losing her virginity was not even love or spite, but a desire to impress her other female friends.

Days passed, tempers and broken hearts settled slightly and we talked. I never realized how messed up she was and I began to feel real sympathy for her. We talked things out and decided to build our relationship again from square one, "do it right this time" we both agreed. She became very warm and clingy-- out of the blue discussing things like the type of pets or home she'd like to have when we were married (which she deemed inevitable). I began to get good vibes from her and the whole thing again, I was going to arrange a SUCCESSFUL meeting sometime this year. Then our correspondence entered a rocky period where her mood shifted to coldly putting me down, she began treating me like an indifferent acquaintance. We both found things awkward, confused as to whether we were platonic friends now, bitter enemies or star-crossed lovers. The back and forths were brutal-- within the same day, she claimed to love me more than anyone else, then declare she didn't "need me" and I was another friend like anyone from school.

She told me she had decided I was too serious, too romantic-- she didn't want a soulmate, something that would last forever, someone with such "lofty" ideals and values.. She wanted to be another Middle-American teenage girl instead, engage herself in something temporary and superficial, to willingly and openly cave to peer pressure.. She decided that she would prefer just to "blend in." She told me pretty much to wait it out while she got to have "fun", then someday we'd reconnect and stay together. In the meantime, the dreadful back-and-forth game continued-- one night she'd love me, the next she'd send me lurid details about her ongoing sex life with her boyfriend and become annoyed when my feelings got hurt. Despite all of this, whenever we were close and warm to one another, all the turmoil still felt worth it..

One day she told me she was having erotic dreams about me licking chocolate syrup off of her. The next she sent me a message informing me that she talked to me upset her new boyfriend and she'd rather "please him" than "feel sorry for me".. All of the sudden she decided she loved this guy, not me-- that she viewed me as pathetic. A cold, simple goodbye out of the blue.

On one hand, I'm relieved not to be dealing with a terrible situation. On the other, I miss her and sometimes still fantasize about getting back with her.. What I'd really like right now is to meet someone exactly like her, sans the EVIL.

 

Wow. You are really only 18? What city is she exactly from? Wow. I am trully sorry someone treated you so poorly, love is difficult but long distance relationships are even harder....

 

That person does seem like a manipulative and a EVIL young lady whose feelings she wears like clothes dicarding when they get smelly. .. Possibly you were both getting what you wanted out of it..Her: a secretive relationship behind her fathers back and you: a woman of your dreams .. Unfortunatly with HELL attached.

You both seem self aware of the situation.. i think someday you will look back and cringe (hopefully).

 

She sounds very screwed up to me. I'd avoid her at all costs. There are some normal girls out there and I think you probably deserve one of them.

 

Piece of advice from someone that has lived alot.....

.....RUN, DO NOT WALK TO YOUR NEAREST EXIT!! DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.00...

You will meet some people in life that you just have to cut loose. You know this is unhealthy. You fell in love with the person she wanted to be and I'm sure was or is in part but the whole picture of her is totally unacceptable and disrespectful. I know its hard but if you move on, let go. you will be better for it eventually. The weird sick yo yo game will just keep you in a very unhealthy situation.

 

Thanks for the support. Yeah, I am 18. And she's from a city called Saint Clair Shores.

 

Yup...sounds harsh..but bloody good advice imo...

I know it stings a bit Aero...but honestly, flogging dead horses and all that...

 

Eh, you're right. I tend to attract girls with serious emotional problems like some kind of magnet. And in all honesty, I tend to find them more attractive and interesting usually.. I guess I feel I can only relate in an intimate way to someone who's very unconventional and people are usually somewhat eccentric or unusual as a result of some such problems. *sigh*

 

holy hell....that so sucks. however, she is young and her feelings and emotions are at a whirlwind....i'm not giving her an excuse, just saying she may not be able to help her behaviour....
however you can help yours and you can choose what you want to do...and this relationship and her sporatic behaviours do not sound healthy for you or anyone else for that matter. please do what is best for you and don't get caught in the whole desire for love, a soulmate, or the attachment of the relationship. the love you seek is out there....its just a matter of learning from this experience and finding the lessons that are there for you.
peace and much love

 

damn!! what a bitch..not really said offensively but damn, i feel bad for her, she seems to be really screwed up in the head.

I really know what to say. internet relationships are indeed hella hard. ya just never really know what that person typing those kind words really is like in real life.

dont get me wrong i have tried the same shit with the online crap. i find myself not believing that i could actually have any feelings for a person i only know by words, but it has happened, and who knows what will happen with it. (thats a whole other story) really not talking much to the person anymore. his bad!!! ha ha!

 

FUCK... i was sad... now i'm dead.

 

She was a bitch from the get-go.

Listen, friend, I had an experience similar to you at around the same age. The difference? We were a couple and dating. She was my "first love", so to speak. I treated her like a princess. Bought shit for her, cuddled her, held her, all that mushy stuff that women like (or some claim to like). She was my princess. She was my life.

She was also a virgin and we were planning our future together as well. I was naive as hell to the "real" situation at hand, though. We split up a few times, but would always get back together. I thought she was the one--the goddess of my world.

Turned out the goddess, the virgin perfect princess was not.

She, the little snow white dove, had planned to lose her virginity to me. However, she kept saying, "It's not the right time. I don't feel comfortable yet." Ok, sweetheart, just let me know--no pressure.

Well, I knew she had this crazy friend and I found out they'd been hanging out partying etc. But, she informed me that she was just "watching out" for her friend to make sure she didn't get in any trouble. Ok, I said. NAIVE.

One day I got a phone call from a friend. "I don't know how to tell you this, man. But, your girlfriend...she got busy with someone last night." I was floored. And angered. I told myself it was not true. He continued..."she...um...was making out with this dude." Tears welled up in my eyes. He went on..."And...I think she might've screwed him, man." I couldn't fucking believe my ears.

I called her. At first, she denied everything. Finally, after I caught her in a lie, she spilled it. "Yes, we fooled around a little." I pressured her even further. And finally she lost it. "I didn't fuck him. I just gave him a blowjob." And that's not all...she gave his friend a blowjob as well--the same night. She never even apologized. She just said, "Well, I don't know what else to say...it just happened."

I was devastated, man. I bawled my eyes out. I didn't eat, sleep, or shower. I wanted to kill myself. My little angel, my snow white princess who I was going to marry and treat like a queen, who wanted me to "wait" for that "special moment"...was sucking two strangers' dicks and was treated like their little whore. And she liked it.

After the initial depression, I realized I'd been duped. But, that it would NEVER happen again. And it never will. Why?

Because I have embraced a confidence in myself and a pride in me. I never tie myself to any situations where I will be victimized by dependent emotions. I love the people around me, don't get me wrong. I love my girl, but I am not dependent. My life depends on me and I have self-assurance in my individuality. Until one realizes their own potential, you'll always be a possible victim.

The good thing is that I have had several healthy relationships since. I harbor no animosity toward women at all. She was one stupid bitch. I was one gullible moron. But, I have found that a "no frills" open and honest relationship with your mate and your friends is the best thing. They respect you, you respect them.

I have been accused since then of being a player...a gigolo etc. This is not the case. I have respected all my relations (even the one-time only deals), by seeing each person as a PERSON and not a piece of meat.

Sex, as long as it is consensual, is a beautiful thing. So are relationships, provided they are not based on dependency.

 

Because I have embraced a confidence in myself and a pride in me. I never tie myself to any situations where I will be victimized by dependent emotions. I love the people around me, don't get me wrong. I love my girl, but I am not dependent. My life depends on me and I have self-assurance in my individuality. Until one realizes their own potential, you'll always be a possible victim.



i love this part of your post!!!!!touche!

 

You're right, too long and very boring! Once again if we can all stand up, this time in B flat minor. "NEVERENDING STORRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEY...."

 

St Clair Shores...that's not far away from me...I know people. want me to take care of it???

*giggles*

just kidding...

Seriously...you don't sound like you're 18...yet all at the same time, you do.

Online relationships have this potential to create a life of its own. You create these ideas of what the relationship is. Usually it's this awesome dream you form in your mind...only, in real life you meet and it's nothing like you thought. I've been through that a few times. She has treated you like a piece of trash. Don't allow her to do that to you any longer. Take charge of your feelings and yourself. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and MOVE ON! At least you found out how vindictive she was before you were completely jaded into being in a real life relationship with her. The girl craaaaaaaaaves attention...it's obvious. If her boyfriend that lived close to her wasn't paying her any attention...it was OK because she could go to you and get it.

I'm pretty convinced that long distance relationships don't work...it'll be hard to convince me otherwise. Call me cynical....

Brother, you have your whole life ahead of you. Go out there and have fun...and what you want will come to you eventually.

Hey look, I can read your palm and it's not even in front of me!